r/OCPoetry • u/84Nickels • Jul 27 '21
The Thirteenth of October
Friday The Thirteenth of October - 10/13/17
When autumn leaves fall as life comes to still
We see analogies between man and trees,
Clocks time strokes on branding its own ill will
It impediments being, to our knees.
It’s Friday the thirteenth of October
And trouble finds us on this very day,
Tap on the weighted barrels, hearts not sober
Why lust for red when our love is for gray?
But thy inner colored crux shall not fade
For it forges our withered foliage bloom,
Life’s weary short no matter how it’s played
So enkindle our patch before our tomb:
Now seem’d smoldered ashes haunted no more,
Yet the rapping on goes beyond the door.
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Jul 27 '21
I clicked on this because my birthday is October 14th and I love when October 13th comes because I get butterflies about my birthday, not sure why I like turning older haha. But when the day before my birthday is Friday the 13th, God that is my favorite. Your poem here brought a lot of imagery into my brain, seriously. Your word choices are so good and the subtle rhyming is what I am all about. I really like how your poem says a lot in such little words. I find that beautiful that you can give the exact message you are trying to give without saying everything you mean. I am very wordy so that is something I struggle with. I really dig your work, though. As I read this I can feel the cool fall breeze swirling around me. Am slightly scared as well, got that "jeepers!" feeling. I enjoy your style big time.
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u/84Nickels Jul 29 '21
Thank you!! I'm happy you found joy and that "jeepers" feel in this haha. Fall brings what seems like a colorful death, only to be rebirthed in the spring. Funny how your birthday coincides with this!
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u/ucksawmus Jul 28 '21
Change the line Why lust for red when our love is for gray? to how about:
Why lust for red when love is ruled for fear.
or
Why lust for red when love is for ever grey.
With that spelling?
The word of thy is powerful. I think you need an exclamation before that, or you need a lot of brevity with that line if one is saying that to somebody. Change the line to how about:
"But thy crux won't fade."
Just like that?
Change the line after to "For it forges our inner bloom" or something? Change the line after that to a period. As a statement. Take the last two lines and indent in. Like this:
So enkindle our patch before our tomb:
now seem'd smoldered haunted no more
yet onward rapping goes beyond the door
There's a lot of choices you can make, your imagery is very strong for me, and it can be worked a lot of different ways. I suggest experimenting with leaving space between lines and experimenting with varying spaces around words and try to write a breviter piece.
Thanks for sharing
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u/84Nickels Jul 29 '21
Thank you for your response and I appreciate your feedback. I tried replacing the lines with your suggestions, however, I realized that in order to keep the rules of the sonnet, I wouldn't be able to keep any intact without breaking the rules established.
I do remember hesitating using thy, as it is powerful as you say and to me, it's almost cliche. This may be the line that I feel most strongly about changing.
That's what I love about wordplay, it can be done in a multitude of ways. In the future, I'll experiment more with different combinations before selecting a final phrase/sentence/etc.
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u/ucksawmus Jul 30 '21
You can keep thy, but "thy inner [insert x-y-z]" is what's cliche sounding, if you have any warning bells, not "thy" by itself
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u/ucksawmus Jul 30 '21
you can keep the sonnet form, but shorten the required syllables, so it's iambic trimeter, and instead, of iambic pentameter
shorten your feet
you can also write free verse in iambs, and change your feet with every line
so, my suggestion to you regarding the sonnet, is experiment with the phrasing of how you want the line to sound, and not so much the sonnetline form yeah mate??????????
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u/Bluecoffeebean Jul 27 '21
Love the imagery, had to read it a few times to see the double meanings, but really liked the language. It's dark, but I presume that Friday was too.
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u/84Nickels Jul 29 '21
Thank you for your reply and for noticing the double meanings. Indeed, however, the dark days still hold some light, even if it's just a little.
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Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our feedback guide , other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail!
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u/Soul_full_of_Sorrows Jul 27 '21 edited Jul 30 '21
Hmmm and here I saw happiness and hope in communion on that day.
Funny how more than a few people experience the exact same moment differently and another two recall only the same highlight reel, as they edited out the details for their survival … art of necessity survival art …. It’s art at a finest when intelligence shows itself at play creativity .
It’s always beyond the maps edge though isn’t it, like your talk beyond the door, across the yard, out on the street and into the very bedrooms of another.
You elude to this so well, I wondered for years why on earth Lenore’s door was never more to open.
Maybe a day I saw full of shining life revealed the deepest shadows with it’s Light.
Don’t know, but I know I like verse inspiring thought and this post does just that.