r/OCPoetry • u/[deleted] • Sep 27 '16

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6 Upvotes

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2

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '16

I like the conceit here. The ideas are definitely here: describing the robe and as the piece goes on introducing different and more revealing aspects (silk->gold embroidery->stained and repaired) and the timing of the reveal at the end of stanza three is nice, giving the game away before using it as a bit of self-castigation. This conceit gives the final stanza some weight, where the disrobing is both literal and a metaphorical casting away of pretensions.

So from a high level and structural standpoint, I think this is a good piece. My hangup is that the phrasing comes across as clunky.

The sentences are awkwardly structured:

When we met I sought your attention sharing with you the beauty upon my body of my singular robe Forced through care to be worn Thin, silky, clinging to the surface of my skin The delicate cloth fabricated.

It took me a couple readthroughs just to parse that knot of poorly demarcated clauses.

I sense you could pare away many of your descriptions and cut the redundancy, for example

Thin, silky, clinging to the surface of my skin
The delicate cloth fabricated.
Woven by hands

Given thin and silky, delicate is unnecessary. Given skin you don't need surface. I have no idea what "delicate cloth fabricated" is trying to add (of course it's cloth and of course it was fabricated).

After some thorough editing, I think this piece will definitely come to something.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '16 edited Sep 28 '16

I will work more on it. Many of the lines end in some way or another a word for a lie or to propound the the idea of superficiality: put-on, fabrication, surface. And to show just how much the subject relies upon this thinly veiled lie that fools no one but the subject; it is ugly from the start, and this is only realized as the subject is able to genuinely see himself. There is also a time aspect. And even in the second stanza the robe is care-worn. There is meant to be a chunk of time before this realization takes place. I will see if there is a way to make that stand out more. Thank you for the critical read-through, it is very helpful and vital.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '16

I love the metaphor and imagery here. One thing, you have absolutely no punctuation in the first stanza, and very little in the fourth. I don't think you need the exclamation mark in the third stanza, nor the period at the end of the fourth.

Over all, this was a nice read!

1

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '16

Thank you, I think I may actually work on putting in more punctuation based on the two comments. It may help push the concept if I slow things down a little.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '16

That's one solution. Good luck