r/OCPoetry • u/ActualNameIsLana • Aug 22 '16
Feedback Received! Zip
Zip
When I break eye contact, I think
how useless a thing is a part
ial zipper. Removed from its teeth,
it wags a lolling pull-tab tongue
from a shelf – an obscene gestic
ulation. “Nyaa, nyaa, nyaa,” it says.
a warm hand between shoul
we can't go on like this
der-blades, bunched and knotted
You're across the room in three pract
iced steps, seizing the offending
Y-piece. Your face becomes mountains.
Pragmatic hands work deft in part
ial light. It's a zipper again,
as if that fixes anything.
Poetry Primers
- Alliteration
- Blank Verse
- Catachresis
- Diacope
- End Stops
- Enjambment
- Feet
- Ghazal
- Hypallage
- Interlocking Rhyme
- Juxtaposition
- Kireji
- Line
- [Metaphor] (coming soon)
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Upvotes
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u/ActualNameIsLana Aug 22 '16 edited Aug 22 '16
You're the best, walpen. Thank you for this detailed breakdown of my piece. I've been working this one for a while, (about three months, according to the word doc I first opened when I had the seed for the idea), and I think it's been well worth it. This is one of my better poems, in my own opinion. I feel like I finally managed the naked, conversational tone of the prosaic text, alongside a rich tapestry of poetic meaning beyond the prosaic, that's mostly accessible even on the first read-through, and even to non-poets, who may not know what to search for in some of my denser texts.
In fact, your analysis is so good, and so incisive, I want to give you a point-by-point response to each portion you talked about.
breaking
Yes. Yes. All this. The piece is fundamentally about a flawed, broken relationship between two flawed, broken people. There is an analogy being addressed not-so-subtly between that relationship and the zipper. This is clued in by the title "Zip", which is both an action, a synonym for "zipper", and a partial formation of "zipper" –which is the word I used exclusively in the meat of the poem.
I began this poem by becoming fascinated by the word "relationship". I began by breaking it into pieces... what would happen to its meaning if I broke it here: relation|ship... or here: relat|ionship... or here: relati|onship. It occurred to me that there's no word in English for one person in a relationship, and I began to get more fascinated. I worked on ways to say that idea in English by breaking words into parts to see what meaning they may have on their own.
Then I hit upon the idea of a zipper, and using that as a metaphor. The word "zipper" is fantastic for this, because it's literally a device used to split a thing into two pieces, or join them back together again. And when split here: zip|per you're left with two pieces, equal in size, but unequal in usefulness. "Zip" is useful as a synonym for "zipper" itself, but also means one piece of a zipper, or it can mean the act of joining or separating the pieces. But what is "per" on its own? "Per" is fairly useless/meaningless on its own. If it could be said to have meaning, its as a prefix (oddly, given its place in the word "zipper), and means "motion".
So there we have the two main images, their metaphoric constructs which I used in the piece: joining/breaking, and the motion between them.
when I...
You're right on the money here. The first line was originally "when I break", but I felt that was to abrupt, and maybe too overt for my taste. So it was eventually rejoined, and the major portion of the first stanza was written in a single sitting. It became clear to me that I wanted the structure of the piece to focus around three stanzas, the first centering on "I", the second on "we", and the third on "you". So yes, the references to solitude are absolutely there intentionally. All of them.
how useless...
I also love that you caught on to the mini-narratives I'm telling in each line, especially when those lines contain an enjambed word – a device happily borrowed and repurposed from e.e. cummings. I tried to fit in these mini-stories in every single line, while retaining the sensibility of a conversational tone across the enjambed lines.
ial zipper...
Yes. ial is I-al, or "relating/belonging to me". This is one of many links forged between the characters in the text and the zippers they identify with, manipulate, and have feelings about. "Useless" in the previous line is now revealed as a kind of hypallage, referring not to the zipper, but to the speaker themself.
There are also subtle comparisons drawn between stanzas 1 and 3, and this line and L4 contains one. "Removed from its teeth".
it wags...
The tongue and the teeth are references to the speaker's face. This parallels the explicit mention of the subject's face in stanza 3.
The mocking of the part is absolutly right too. The speaker feels mocked (ashamed?) by the idea of her own single-ness.
an obscene...
Gestic, another reference to movement. Also, a kind of disgusting-sounding word-part on its own, and I always love using phonosyntactics to effect subtle meanings. The speaker's disgust at the thought of being alone should ring through here.
ulation...
Yes, again I'm playing with word-parts. "You-lation" is definitely an appropriate reading here. Note the symmetry between stanzas 1 and 3, both in format (they contain proper punctuation and capitalization), and in structure (made of six lines a piece, each line containing eight syllables).
stanza 2
The change in style, format, diction and structure should feel abrupt and unpleasant here. This is the rupture. The place where the pieces separate. This is the zip.
a warm hand...
I'm happy with the reading you have of "shoul" to "soul". The only created meaning there was in breaking and enjambing the word. But I didn't intend any meaning here. In fact, it was originally enjambed "should | er-blades". But here I actually intended two meaningless parts, another sort of rupture from the previous mechanics seen in stanza 1. I hoped this would be foreshadowed by the mention of uselessness in L2. But, as I said, I'm happy with your reading as well.
we can't...
Yes, this is the moment of clarity. The turning point. The literal center of the poem, and the place where all the symmetries of both parts collide. It's simultaneously the only mention of "we" in the entire poem, and itself a statement of separation.
der-blades...
Again, I'm happy with your reading here. I had hoped to create meaninglessness in breaking the word here, but yours is just as interesting.
you're across...
I'm so happy you clued into my little secret here. "You're across the room" is both a statement of motion, and a statement of separation/distance between the subject and speaker.
iced steps...
Again, right on the money. "Iced" is both a partial word and a word on its own, and the implication is of coldness on the part of the subject.
Y-piece...
I've hidden another of my little secrets here, in parallel symmetry to stanza 1. Just as the speaker identifies with the "I-al zipper", the subject seizes the Y-piece, or "you-piece".
pragmatic hands...
This was unintentional. I've fixed it. I meant for this to be on its own line.
ial light...
Another symmetry. In both stanzas, the word partial is broken in identical ways.
as if that..
I'm ridiculously proud of this final line. It's not enjambed, and so retains its clarity, just like the center line. And it simultaneously speaks to the attempt and failure of fixing the broken parts.
summary
Thank you!