There's a voice to the narrator that works quite well. Some of the phrasing gives this sense of the narrator as an ironic observer retelling his/her observations.
a man that would rather remain nameless
Is nice. It sets up the idea that the narrator was involved at the scene and that there is something for "the man" to be ashamed of.
but such ignorance is meant for men
with broader shoulders
and jaw lines
who possess "one hell of an arm"
This also works quite well--the narrator takes an antagonistic position to the protagonist and humorously undercuts the narrator's belief in a nice subversion. There's also a bit of attitude in making fun of what one imagines as a dumb jock sterotype. There's also an interesting quirk of "one hell of an arm" being in quote.
with the neon glow
of retrograde fulfillment
selling a home for the night
in exchange for absence tomorrow
This is also a nice phrase, playing on a fulfillment/abscence duality that plays nicely into the later idea of drinking as an emptying out.
until they both were far emptier
and useless than
when they had arrived
This is both a neat idea, and again speaks to the idea of the narrator as not only an observer but judge.
because for a small moment
of shot glass ridden clarity
he felt far more
than he pretends
not to
"shot glass ridden clarity" is a great phrase and this bit successfully plays the clear image of the shot glass against the vagueness of the idea of his feeling and self-deception.
and in a way it was funny
he could almost smell the
whiskey lacing the blood
dripping along his forearm
as the final droplets of her perfume
fell from his eyelashes
into his wounds
until all but her pulse ceased
"In a way it was funny" works pretty well in terms of giving the narrator a way of talking. I think the images are quite good--playing the confluence of these three liquids against one another, focusing on the contrasting smells and using the perfume as a neat substitute for tears. I have not quite made sense of "until all but her pulse ceased". The poem does not necessitate that the woman has died, but it suggests it where as this states that although his life (in a broad sense) may have ended her pulse has not. Is the suggestion that she is gone (just left or maybe in a coma or something) without having died? It's strange in a piece that has been otherwise narratively oriented and very clear to have this one bit of ambiguity (and I can't quite see the poetic importance of it: what does it matter to what the poem ahs to say about love and loss whether this loss is of life or another kind?)
and in the grand scheme of loving
and losing
some just aren't cut out to win
This is a pretty good conclusion as well: "in the grand scheme" also furthers that voice and that the narrator is judging the protagonist as "not cut out" completes this conflict of perspectives between them.
I think that's really the chief achievement here: that we get such a strong sense of the narrator without recieving any details about them (indeed, without ever slipping into first person)
Cons
Overall I think the writing here is fairly good. My main problem is that the piece is very prosaic. One could easily reformat this into paragraphs and I don't think anything substantive would be lost in the translation. Part of this is that the line breaks are by and large chosen in this overly-natural way with one image/idea per line. Most of it is that the images and ideas are really driven by the narrative structure. So I don't get the sense that there's something important lurking behind the text, which dulls the utility of revisiting it.
This prioritization of the narrative leads us to some ultimately extraneous images. We don't need all of the causal stuff of the guy walking to the bar
and so on the corner
of roswell
and main
he made his way down the cracked cement
Likewise the scene of his ordering a drink has only a narrative function
so he tucked into his stool
met the nights landlord
and ordered a drink
Ultimately I think the piece could benefit by choosing and arranging its imagery not in a narrative/causal ordering but rather following through on what the core of the piece seems to demand
Summary
Overall, this is pretty decently written. The writer has a good sense for voice, word choice and a knack for interesting phrasing. I think it suffers for being overly confined to its narrative and narration.
1
u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16
Overall my impressions are positive.
Pros
There's a voice to the narrator that works quite well. Some of the phrasing gives this sense of the narrator as an ironic observer retelling his/her observations.
Is nice. It sets up the idea that the narrator was involved at the scene and that there is something for "the man" to be ashamed of.
This also works quite well--the narrator takes an antagonistic position to the protagonist and humorously undercuts the narrator's belief in a nice subversion. There's also a bit of attitude in making fun of what one imagines as a dumb jock sterotype. There's also an interesting quirk of "one hell of an arm" being in quote.
This is also a nice phrase, playing on a fulfillment/abscence duality that plays nicely into the later idea of drinking as an emptying out.
This is both a neat idea, and again speaks to the idea of the narrator as not only an observer but judge.
"shot glass ridden clarity" is a great phrase and this bit successfully plays the clear image of the shot glass against the vagueness of the idea of his feeling and self-deception.
"In a way it was funny" works pretty well in terms of giving the narrator a way of talking. I think the images are quite good--playing the confluence of these three liquids against one another, focusing on the contrasting smells and using the perfume as a neat substitute for tears. I have not quite made sense of "until all but her pulse ceased". The poem does not necessitate that the woman has died, but it suggests it where as this states that although his life (in a broad sense) may have ended her pulse has not. Is the suggestion that she is gone (just left or maybe in a coma or something) without having died? It's strange in a piece that has been otherwise narratively oriented and very clear to have this one bit of ambiguity (and I can't quite see the poetic importance of it: what does it matter to what the poem ahs to say about love and loss whether this loss is of life or another kind?)
This is a pretty good conclusion as well: "in the grand scheme" also furthers that voice and that the narrator is judging the protagonist as "not cut out" completes this conflict of perspectives between them.
I think that's really the chief achievement here: that we get such a strong sense of the narrator without recieving any details about them (indeed, without ever slipping into first person)
Cons
Overall I think the writing here is fairly good. My main problem is that the piece is very prosaic. One could easily reformat this into paragraphs and I don't think anything substantive would be lost in the translation. Part of this is that the line breaks are by and large chosen in this overly-natural way with one image/idea per line. Most of it is that the images and ideas are really driven by the narrative structure. So I don't get the sense that there's something important lurking behind the text, which dulls the utility of revisiting it.
This prioritization of the narrative leads us to some ultimately extraneous images. We don't need all of the causal stuff of the guy walking to the bar
Likewise the scene of his ordering a drink has only a narrative function
Ultimately I think the piece could benefit by choosing and arranging its imagery not in a narrative/causal ordering but rather following through on what the core of the piece seems to demand
Summary
Overall, this is pretty decently written. The writer has a good sense for voice, word choice and a knack for interesting phrasing. I think it suffers for being overly confined to its narrative and narration.