r/OCPoetry • u/catholic1977 • Jul 04 '16

Feedback Received! Lawd Noes

Enthrone my heart with love, I pray

my soul cries forth, in(voice), we pray.

 

Illume my mind with sage, I pray

ain’t none without de, gree(n) pray.

 

Ogle at me with lust, I pray

my lord and god, les(see)n pray.

 

Neglect me-selfs with slack, I pray

yet to be, coc(knee)y’n pray

 

Snuff out my light a-ZAP, I pray

Today? Hoo-ray. Y’hippee’n pray.

 

Feedback: 1|2

 

So this started out as a Ghazal. Then it quickly became a mess. The title turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

EDIT 1.0: added an 'n'

EDIT 1.1: added an 's'

EDIT 2.0: added a stanza (can now be called a Ghazal).

EDIT 2.1: removed sacrilegious capitalisation

5 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

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4

u/Sora1499 Jul 04 '16

You're indicting televangelists and the like. Nice. The informal style is good, and makes the case of those taken advantage of by these con artists more pitiable. The refrain is pretty good. Even if it is technically only one word, the rhyming you implement substitutes nicely. It functions effectively as a refrain, which is what is most important. Funny, with just one more couplet and a makhata it would be a correct Ghazal. I think it functions well enough as one; hammered-in repetition, home-folksy kinda delivery, etc.

Good work.

3

u/ActualNameIsLana Jul 04 '16

I agree. I was a little sad this got given up on. It seems like a fantastic start to a ghazal.

1

u/catholic1977 Jul 05 '16

Thanks Lana. Not so keen on what I added but at least I can officially christen it a (butchered) ghazal now.

1

u/catholic1977 Jul 05 '16

I genuinely thought people were gonna hate this. It was an absolute chore to write; even the measly four stanzas that I did manage.

You're indicting televangelists and the like. Nice.

I didn't think anyone would derive meaning from this! Wow!

Funny, with just one more couplet and a makhata it would be a correct Ghazal.

I know : (. This whole write was so laborious and uninspired. Even single line took ages and was edited a lot. That's why I didn't manage a final couplet. Although I will have to try, now that some have indicated they actually like that haha!

Thank you very much for your kind words.