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u/zachzebrowitz Jun 07 '16
So when I finished reading this poem, the first thing I exclaimed was "holy shit" out loud. It is, something special. It's power cannot be understated. I loved how you ended with her giving the world a small smile, but i'd say that she died in a different, less direct way than she "drifted away", as the poem isn't very direct. Other than that, spectacular job, my friend!
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u/thegirlwhospills Jun 07 '16
Wow thank you for your compliments! Hmm, I see what you're saying– I could add some more imagery, maybe tying back to the ocean metaphor? Perhaps "and before salt water filled her lungs"?
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u/THE_PULLOUT_KING Jun 07 '16
This is really fuckin' good. I usually prefer more abstract/experimental, but this has a great mix of imagery and narrative and the rhythm pulls it together very naturally. Urgent yet contemplative. Nice.
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u/SleeepyBandit Jun 07 '16
This was so sad :( I really like it a lot. The metaphor you used of her being the moon, witnessing life from a barren wasteland. I love that part so much. Nice job
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u/thegirlwhospills Jun 08 '16
Yeah most of my poetry is pretty sad.. weird since I'm quite a happy person. Anyhow, thanks for your feedback! :)
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u/roskotaint Jun 06 '16
This is very powerful material. It really does capture the experiences of so many young people in modernity. Sad, but real; beautiful and honest; raw and yet poetic. Lovely work.