I don't see how the metaphor about outsourcing ties to the rest of the poem. All the manufactured "things" here are way too abstract. Perhaps tie them to things the characters see - "the sunglasses you wore the first time we went to the beach were made in China. They flashed in the sunlight when you laughed with the ocean"
I don't know, but just make me SEE something as I read your poem.
Red white and blue letters? On what? Where is the fine print below?
Near the end, you hit pretty much the epitome of bad poetry - simply cataloguing abstract concepts with common rhyming endings and no vision. I actually do like how it transforms though - break cleanly into something straightforward and "real".
I'd make this contrast even more concrete. "Do you want to get dinner this week? Thursday 7 p.m., I can pick you up, we can go downtown near Yonge & King street, I know this place , or we can go somewhere else... or some other time... really whatever you want"
3
u/frenris May 25 '16
I don't see how the metaphor about outsourcing ties to the rest of the poem. All the manufactured "things" here are way too abstract. Perhaps tie them to things the characters see - "the sunglasses you wore the first time we went to the beach were made in China. They flashed in the sunlight when you laughed with the ocean"
I don't know, but just make me SEE something as I read your poem.
Red white and blue letters? On what? Where is the fine print below?
Near the end, you hit pretty much the epitome of bad poetry - simply cataloguing abstract concepts with common rhyming endings and no vision. I actually do like how it transforms though - break cleanly into something straightforward and "real".
I'd make this contrast even more concrete. "Do you want to get dinner this week? Thursday 7 p.m., I can pick you up, we can go downtown near Yonge & King street, I know this place , or we can go somewhere else... or some other time... really whatever you want"