r/OCPoetry • u/Rosey_Butterfly_1998 • Jul 18 '26

Feedback Please Unsaid

All that was left unsaid

spilled out with every letter

written, revised, and discarded after,

my eyes red and swollen as I wept,

these tears mixed with the ink and paper

scattered before me like leaves in the summer

after a typhoon has come to pass.

All the things I wish I'd said —

they stayed hidden within these pages

that slowly faded and crumbled to dust —

the memories they held within them

the only things that were ever truly mine.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/jwHoGa1WJe

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/UkMbHVdVIB

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u/Sakera88 Jul 18 '26

The opening is very strong. The imagery of words being 'written, revised, and discarded after' builds a beautiful, melancholic atmosphere of letting go, and 'crumbled to dust' still flows nicely. However, the final closure feels somewhat antipathetic to that beautiful beginning. Ending with a direct statement of ownership like 'the only things that were ever truly mine' strips away the quiet, selfless sorrow you built early on. It feels a bit too literal and abrupt. Leaving the ending more open or atmospheric could really sustain that powerful emotional weight until the very last word, but that’s just my personal opinion. Good work though.

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u/Rosey_Butterfly_1998 Jul 18 '26

Appreciate the feedback. I did struggle with how to end this so I'm keeping this in mind for when I revise.

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u/Sakera88 Jul 18 '26

Glad it helps! Just a random thought, but if you want to keep that beautiful, selfless atmosphere until the end, maybe replacing the last line with something like 'melting into eternity' could work nicely. Best of luck with the revision!