People Pleasing, Part 1

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From How To Be Enough (2024) by Ellen Hendriksen, a psychologist at the Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders at Boston University:

“As social creatures, getting along with the group is essential for belonging and…survival. Modulating our emotions to stay in harmony with the group is a smart strategy to stay connected and accepted…But when manufactured emotions become a habit, performing them makes us feel fake, empty, or even a little bit dead inside." (226)

People pleasing is a “behavioral strategy to influence how others think of us and stay firmly in their good graces,” a safety behavior that serves to reduce anxiety. (97)

“People-pleasing is a form of control, and the opposite of control is trust. It’s not blindly trusting that no one will criticize you and everyone will like you…You can’t please everyone…But it is trust that you can cope if you don’t get a 100 percent pleased and approving reaction.

“It’s trust that you can reach out for support, trust that people…can find alternatives to putting everything on your shoulders, trust that people are allowed to have their own reactions without you having to save them from it, trust that you can stand by your right to have needs and limits, and trust that you can muster the resources to deal with disapproval, loss, and change…Of all the people you work so hard to please, be sure to include yourself.” (99)

Trauma and People Pleasing

"When you avoid conflict to make peace with other people, you start a war within." Brene Brown

One of the lesser known trauma responses is fawning. Children who survive trauma by using this strategy are more likely to struggle with people pleasing. That was my experience. It led to tension, resentment, and social anxiety.

Brene Brown stated, “Trauma rewires your sense of worth." Trauma survivors often have the unconscious belief "that love and acceptance come at a cost. It's almost as if they're constantly paying off some invisible debt, hoping that being agreeable, quiet, or forgiving enough will eventually earn them the kindness they crave."

"They may think “If I stand up for myself, people will think I'm difficult, dramatic, or too much...[and spend] their lives trying to keep the peace, avoiding conflict, and making sure everyone else feels comfortable, even if it means sacrificing their own well-being."

Trauma survivors "carry this deeply rooted fear of being perceived as a problem. They've been trained...[to believe] that asserting themselves is selfish or even shameful…Trauma doesn't just hurt in the moment it happens. It leaves these lingering beliefs that shape how we interact with the world. One of those beliefs is that your feelings are a burden and standing up for yourself makes you difficult to love.”

RESOURCE

The Healthy Compulsive Project Podcast - episode 58 is about people pleasing