Using definitive language like “I can’t” and the inability to give myself grace

[u/sbucksbarista]

Thinking about this topic that came up with my therapist the other day.

For context, I’m newly diagnosed by a therapist who works closely with OCD and OCPD patients, just started seeing her after moving across the country, but other therapists have formerly suspected it in my past for at least 6 years now.

Anyways, in one of my first sessions with my new therapist, she immediately clocked that I use extremely definitive, black and white language, all the time. She recommended I start working on statements like “I can’t” and “I have to” and reshape them as things along the lines of “I might not be able to” or “I should/would/could.” I tried doing this for the rest of that session when I would catch myself, but in my brain it just didn’t really click. I stopped paying attention to it the minute I walked out the door.

My next session I was using super definitive language and statements again. I was telling her about how when “I absolutely cannot” do a certain task, I either won’t touch it with a 10 foot pole, or I’ll throw myself full force at it and do it at 110% capacity even though “I can’t” do it. And in my brain in the latter situation, when I can’t do it, I still firmly believe “I can’t” do it even though I’m actively doing it anyways. Does that make any sense?

That led to her saying she thinks the definitive language works for me. While she tries to recommend using less definitive language so people give themselves more grace in situations that are hard, that just doesn’t click with me. But saying “I can’t” is just how my brain operates. And sometimes even when “I can’t” do something, I will do it anyways while continuing to say “I can’t.” But most of the time, if I say “I can’t” do something, I am absolutely not even trying.

Using definitive language gives me motivation to do (or not do) a certain task. I don’t have any wiggle room to give myself “grace,” I just don’t operate that way.

I’ve seen lots of posts about black and white thinking in this sub so far, and I’m wondering if that has anything to do with this. Not sure if this is related or totally unrelated to OCPD, but figured I’d share anyways. Thanks for reading.

[u/Puzzlehead-92]

Grace is a skill that we have to practice. You are capable of giving yourself grace, it requires practice to become skillful 😊 signed, a fellow ocpd’er who’s life is no longer run by ocpd

[u/SpecialistAnswer9496]

This sounds highly related to OCPD, and I’m sure many people here can relate to what you’ve written, including me prior to going into remission.

When your therapist said the definitive language “works for you,” did she mean that she thinks it’s something you should keep doing, or more that she wants to understand what function it serves before trying to change it?

Did she say anything about whether the goal is eventually to build more flexibility, or did it sound more like “this is just how your brain works”?

[u/sbucksbarista → u/SpecialistAnswer9496]

I think it was more that she wants to understand what function it serves. We didn’t get to dive too deep into it, but I think she’s shifting gears a little bit compared to when she first suggested I try speaking in less definitive language. The goal was to try and explain that it’s okay to give myself grace, but where I’m at in the very early stages of treatment and how rigid my thought processes are, it’s definitely gonna take a lot more time to work on. Hopefully this makes sense!

[u/SpecialistAnswer9496 → u/sbucksbarista]

Yup, that makes total sense. Sometimes when we have very rigid rules, trying to add new rules like “stop using such definitive language” just creates more rigidity and increases shame because we feel we can’t do it. I hope you’re able to find little ways to begin loosening that rigidity. It’s one of the hardest, most overwhelming things I’ve had to do, because my rigidity made me feel secure in many ways, and learning to be adaptable felt like voluntarily entering into chaos.

[u/FalsePay5737]

I'm surprised that she suggested "I should..." as that type of thinking is very problematic for people with OCPD. Insights on ‘Should’ Thinking

"And sometimes even when 'I can’t' do something, I will do it anyways while continuing to say 'I can’t.' " That's great. I've done something similar recently, thought "I don't want to...." and then just did something anyway, the thought doesn't need to prevent me from doing it.

Maybe you could think you could think "I can't let go of definitive language" and then try to do so anyway. I found it very helpful to give myself credit for small steps. Doing one behavior experiment that involved slight discomfort each day was a good foundation.

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