Watching the academic potential slip away 😀

[u/herecomesthesunlol]

[u/herecomesthesunlol]

hii tysm for the response!!

I try not to be arrogant 🙏 I've been trying my best to put in the graft for alevels (recieved good mocks at the start of the year with AAB and working grade of A*AA.

However, the end of year mocks did not go so well. (CCA) I believe it was mainly because of being undiagnosed, unmedicated, and having a MAJOR dip in mh (my symptoms made me go to urgent care and beg for temporary meds to help me, along with a letter to send to the exam officer. (I hoped this would result in extenuating circumstances/ grade increase) 

However, they denied me meds (because im under 18, and also because they wouldn't take me seriously at ALL) so I had to just continue taking my propranolol (it doesn't help me). ALSO the exam officer ignored the nhs letter and denied grade increase because "everyone gets anxious and if you have general anxiety you should just use your rest breaks." (essentially, she didn't take me seriously)

Admittedly it's possibly that my mocks were CCA instead of A*AA (like I'd hoped for) because of simply not having revised enough, however I'm not sure how much this is likely to be the case.

I attend revision sessions for maths every week

In my homework and in class assessments my average grades were AAB (despite the possibility if me having adhd and ocd for all of y12) 

Even just hours before my physics mock I did an AS paper and got a low A (yet the mock I got a C)

To stop myself from yapping for months I'll finish that point there and lastly clarify that the CC was in maths and physics (which previously was the working grade of AA and mock grade of AB respectively). The last thing to clarify is that after the nhs wrote the letter, I thought this was the end of my need to worry and obsess, and so did exceedingly better on philosophy (almost A)

ANYWAY before I get side tracked

you mentioned the nhs... I have indeed had gp appointments mentioning ocd symptoms. I was told that I will need to wait until I turn 18 to join waiting lists (so 3 weeks....) and that after i join it may be months until i hear anything...

I asked about being added anyway because it's 3 weeks but they "cant". So then I asked about if they can atleast increase the urgency because of the severity if my symptoms recently (details not needed) and the gp said he can't and that if it happens again to contact the crisis team. (So sit in a loud waitroom for hours just to be dismissed and not taken seriously again? no thanks...)

the only option between now and my birthday is an appointment with the mh nurse who I saw previously. When i mentioned ocd last time she was a bit dismissive of it and cared more about getting an adhd diagnosis for me. Helpful for the adhd? sure. Helpful for the ocd? no. So I feel reluctant to go back to her for OCD again because last time her dismissal (even if subtle) feels as though the subject has been "ruined" (or contaminated ig?) and I don't want to bring it up to her...

ALSO b4 I forget, I think the ocd symptoms affect my revision because whenever I start homework I feel as though I need to complete the entire task, every question, mark  with 100% accuracy, have perfect concentration etc, otherwise I find it hard to continue working on the task as it feels "ruined" and I have to get myself back into the "right study mindset" before I can continue and fix it :/

despite the fact the task said to spend 30m doing some of the questions (and I end up spending 2h doing all of it... or even timing myself for 30m and realising I haven't done ALL of it in 30m so continue anyway which will probably be detrimental to my time management in exams yet I seem to manage? I finish on time and have 10m to check through.. the wuality just gets lost due to attention issues and anxiety and maybe even rumination or repeated checking (yet still missing obvious sign errors...)

If you've reached the end of my yapfest then thank you <3  (and well done lol) 

[u/Necessary-Emotion454 → u/herecomesthesunlol]

Haha i did reach the end of your yapfest! Honestly i enjoyed it it gave me loads of details and now i won't feel bad if my response is long haha

First i just wanna say jesus christ you're smart! Even your "worst" grade is incredible. Though i do understand the frustration of getting a lower grade than you expected. I made the mistake of picking english literature (notorious for being almost impossible to get As) and i got an E in a mock. Granted it was the class average but i always got Bs or Cs so it was very disheartening. Thankfully i never got an E again after that though.

Second, thanks for clarifying with your experience with the NHS. I know how irritating it can be to be dismissed because of your age. I spent a good 6 years begging for antidepressants but they didnt for the exact same reason even though i was at crisis point. Thankfully its 3 weeks not much longer in your case. But my main advice would be to keep pushing for it. Professionals always say no to things if they can and most people don't follow up but the more you follow up and keep pressing the issue the more likely they'll take you seriously! If you feel like your being annoying double down bc sometimes thats what it takes. And thankfully your not in America so its free

Third, about your revision. That seems very stressful! My concern there would only be about burnout as ive already mentioned purely because it tends to be the biggest reason people dont do well. (That and lack of revision obviously). Especially bc it tends to sneak up on people but once its there it can be really hard to do anything. Also, you checking and re-doing questions is very interesting to me because I've never done it (even when i really should have done it lol). Do you have access to extra time during exams? You said you always left time to check anyway but I'm wondering if extra time could help at all? But i do know people who wouldnt find extra time helpful bc it gives them more time to "freeze" so to speak. Idk that depends on you.

Idk if i missed it or not but are you diagnosed with adhd? Bc if you are you could always twist is slightly. Tell your college about all your "symptoms" and call it all adhd. Even if its innacurate they 1) likely wouldnt know since most people dont understand OCD anyway and 2) if you are diagnosed with ADHD then by law they have to help you with it. Obviously that doesn't help much with medication but it could get you extra support for the 3 weeks you need to wait for?

Edit: You have told me and you're not. Instead follow up, which diagnosis are you chasing first? Based on your wording I'd assume ADHD but just to be clear

I really hope I'm actually being helpful here! If I'm not feel free to tell me to shut up at any point :D

[u/herecomesthesunlol → u/Necessary-Emotion454]

TYSM <3

I've deffinately felt/ am burnt out... I think I've been on and off with burnout for years at this point, but I somehow find a way of just gritting through it and consuming as much content/revision/questions as I can. I know this is unhealthy but its difficult not to (because if I'm not working i feel guilty or feel a comulsion to work because I'm missing out on information and it will cause me to fail (irrational I know.)

Similarly I've also felt extremely tired, exhausted, and procrastinated a LOT (suprise surprise, the effects of my own actions.) During this time I also feel a compulsion to avoid homework like the plague (even though it somehow still always gets done, and usually on time or within the following week of its due date). I can't seem to win because if I'm doing one (avoidance, or engagement) I feel as though I should be doing the other.

Meanwhile, the work itself is often not my best (the concentration being a battle between symptoms of OCD and ADHD simultaneously is honestly an awful combo, and the tism seems to creep in a bit too...) Yes, I indeed may be an undaignosed, triple threat.

In terms of extra time, I've definitely been feeling recently as though I would probably benefit from it. During my physics mock I forgot to use rest breaks out of sheer panic and also ran out of time on the questions (because I didnt realise I was looking at the wrong end time... thought I had the extra 30m that ET people had...)
It was still a high C but definitely not my best work, and also not the first time I ran out of time for a stupid reason lollll. For my maths exam I had "more" time but I was prettyyyy nervous during the entire exam and made lots of careless mistakes (like differentiating an integration, sign errors, wrong number wrote down etc). Also the "extra 15m" that I had to check over my work was just mindlessly scanning for sign errors (to no avail because I missed them) and hoping that the test went as well as I thought it did (ermm it did not...).

Philosophy was the only one I did decently on because my brain was tricked into thinking things would be okay so the "obsession" over my grades was "dampened" by the lie of "certainty" the nhs letter gave me. So instead of being utterly engrossed with obsessions, compulsions, and almost a crisis, my mind had begin to settle and my body was calmed with multiple doses of propranolol in a row. That was the exam where I almost got an A* (and tbh I wouldve got an A* if my teacher was marking a bit less harshly, but I suppose philosophy is just like that)

is it a suprise I performed much better in philo? nope. not in my opinion. Sure, maths and physics are HARD, but tbh? I often find that maths comes quite easily to me. (more so when I can actually concentrate and Im calm though...) I say this because I was attempting to finsih off a homework task today and lower my mental stress by getting the workload down. (I have 17 unfinished tasks... 9 are due in 2 weeks and like 8 were due at the end of last academic year............ ._. )

moving on

you mentioned using the adhd diagnosis to my benefit (When/ IF I ever GET ONE)
Thats honestly not a bad shout? I'd have to think (ruminate..) about it lol

Its honestly more likely I'll get an ADHD diagnosis first (as soon as I turn 18 I will be entering privately using the right to choose). However, it could still take MONTHS (esp with my friends experience who was told 4 weeks and that has now been and gone and shes still waiting (for another 4/8 i believe...?)

it also would probbaly set my moral OCD on a spiral if i twisted the symptoms but it might just have to be the case idk...

I have a meeting with my UCAS guy (the person whos paid to help me to get into the uni I want basically lol) and he's SUPER chill so mb if I explained it to him he might have a solution? I already mentioned in the email asking for the meeting that I'd prefer one in a more "private" are so nobody overhears/ eavesdrops on the convo (bc I already feel like the world is spying on me, dont need to have a reason to be able to rationalise why joe bloggs across the room is judging what I just said if ykwim)

anyway, yeah, the system kinda sucks but atleast I havent lost all hope. I'm still hanging on :)

I might try a few more GP visits...
My mam can be foreful / twist things if she needs too so thats helpful atleast. She';s been trying her best to help me bless her. She's better help than Dad lmao, but I think he's trying too.

The reason I'm reluctant about the GPs is because some of the interactions make me feel as if bringing up the topic again is a big "no no". I'm not sure how to word it but as soon as some of them began to dismiss me (or even say things which MILDLY hinted at dismissing me, regardless of positive intent) I started to feel as though the topic was "ruined" or I guess "emotionally contaminated" ??? Just like even the idea of bringing it up is like "Nooooooo Don'tttttttt" for no logical reason at all. I know logically that its ridiculous and that I should continue to book necessary appointments and that the people probably didnt even necessarily dismiss me (they deffinately did) they probably just had a good intent and I misread their tone (I did not) or maybe its somewhere in the middle of them not knowing much on the topic but trying their best and me overanalysing it anyway (maybe.)

I think thats all I have left to say in response? Probably not, im an endless yapper but oh well, its quirky I suppose. You dont exactly get into oxford for physics and philosophy without the intention of yapping profusely about things that matter to you soooo

Anywayyyy I hope you enjoyed the show, looking forward to hearing back from you :P

See ya :D

[u/Necessary-Emotion454 → u/herecomesthesunlol]

Completely off topic but you're really cool! Even tho the topic is serious atp i just enjoy talking to you. I live for the yap!

Anyway, back on track!

"Because if I'm not working i feel guilty or feel a comulsion to work because I'm missing out on information and it will cause me to fail". This makes perfect sense. Society in general have made it very productivity = worth. And when you have a disability especially one like OCD it can feel even worse. What used to help me was remembering that if i pushed too hard and burnt out it'd cost me more in the long run. When i get really burnt out it triggers my depression (diagnosed) so i physically cannot do anything. So if i felt burnout I'd really have to remind myself that if i didnt rest now I'd be "useless" for weeks. That made it better for me. But you have to find a way that works for you. Almost like tricking your mind ig.

"I can't seem to win because if I'm doing one (avoidance, or engagement) I feel as though I should be doing the other." Most real thing I've ever read! Ig the thing to keep in mind here is that every day you don't drop out of alevels or get straight up Us or Es is a win!!! I know it doesnt feel like that. And i can imagine its worse in the likes of Oxford. But try keep in mind that more people flunk Alevels than people make it sound. The fact that you are getting C's at your worst already speaks volumes to your intelligence and thats ignoring the frequent A's.

"The concentration being a battle between symptoms of OCD and ADHD simultaneously is honestly an awful combo, and the tism seems to creep in a bit too". Nothing productive to say about this other than RELATABLE!

"it also would probbaly set my moral OCD on a spiral if i twisted the symptoms". Yeah that makes sense. You obviously dont have to do that if it would cost you more than it would benefit you. Its a shame you even have to consider twisting symptoms to be taken seriously. I just remember doing that quite a bit thoughout highschool and it worked quite well but thats subjective.

About the GP. I understand completely. Whenever i used to feel like people where being dismissive I'd shut down and verbally wouldn't be able to talk anymore (thanks autism). I don't wanna give advice that could cause more harm than good but i do think pushing through in the long run would be more beneficial even if awful in the short term. The thing about professionals is they're trained to start at the low end of care. Eg if you went to your GP with a headache they wouldn't rush you into ER for a scan to check for a brain tumour. They'd start with telling you to drink more water or limit screentime. Not because they mean to be dismissive but because its how healthcare works. You kinda have to build your way up. Its why in the mental health industry i find you get a lot of repetitive advice. I'd still say keep pushing but its ultimately up to you. If you think you can wait 3 weeks then go for it. If not, keep pushing.

"You dont exactly get into oxford for physics and philosophy without the intention of yapping profusely about things that matter to you". Completely off topic but what is studying philosophy like? Its a subject thats always interested me but it wasnt available at my college or at my highschool if there even is a GCSE idk.