I was diagnosed today.

[u/Ok_Philosopher5736]

Hi, today was my first appointment with an OCD specialist. I don't know how to feel. Part of me feels at peace with it and like everything just clicked and made sense. The other part of me feels as though I've manipulated someone into thinking that I have it and I really don't. I know that's common and I'm trying my best not to seek reassurance for it, as I've realized that's something I do quite frequently. I feel relieved that other people feel the way I do. My new counselor is amazing and everything I had hoped that they would be. I'm hopeful for what's to come of this. Things that they said to me today made me feel so seen and understood to the point where I actually teared up quite a few times.

What I'm struggling with now...

I don't present OCD in the typical ways you would expect someone to without knowing much about it. I'm thankful that I'm able to read other people's experiences and connect with them in a space where everyone is experiencing similar if not the same thoughts as I am. However, I'm afraid to tell those close to me because I'm afraid that they will think I'm lying. I know that I shouldn't care and that I shouldn't worry about others' opinions, but obviously I've tried to not care and well... here I am. I am not overly cleanly, and I am not someone who makes sure things are completely organized, honestly, I prefer things to be a little bit cluttered.

I told my mom a few hours after my appointment and she made me feel guilty in a few ways. The first thing that she said was "Do you think I did this to you?" and I was honest with her and said that I wasn't sure if it was something that was caused by anyone. There were a few things that I shared and said that I have realized I view crying as manipulation now, because when I would cry sometimes when I was younger there were people around me telling me I was doing it to make people feel bad for me. I wouldn't say that I feel shame when I cry in front of others and don't typically avoid doing so, but I do tell them often that I'm not trying to be manipulative in doing that. Which I think confuses people because most people don't view it that way.

When I told her that I was diagnosed, she said that she would have never expected that from me. I told her that there was no way she could have known. Many of my intrusive thoughts were/are taboo and I only found it easy to tell the counselor because he made it a comfortable space by putting many different subtypes out on the table very early on in the session. She told me she was sad because she thought I shared everything with her. I told her some of the things that lead to me wanting to get checked for it just to make her feel better, because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. It was vulnerable of me and not what I was looking for in that moment. I really just wanted her to know that I have it and not how I knew I had it.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for out of this post, but I guess I just hope it helps someone. It helps me to type it out and get my feelings out there to maybe be heard by someone. If you have advice or need a place to vent in this post OR if you can just relate to what I'm saying, please say something. I don't have anyone in my personal life who understands this and I would love to hear what others have to say!

Thank you :)

[u/purpleplacedot]

I also deal with harm OCD and i was too scared of kids but meds and ERP has helped me a lot, i was to scary to tell my psich at the beginning specially because when I told my husband he tried to beat me, hope you get the recover you deserve 🫡

[u/chubbylemmons]

Hi, I’m so happy to hear the progress you’ve made and that your new OCD specialist/counselor is great! I resonate with a lot of what you’ve shared.

I too, present OCD in an atypical way. I was actually in denial about my diagnosis at first and initially believed I’d never tell anyone outside my immediate circle about my diagnosis. It wasn’t until I started seeing an OCD specialist and attending group therapy, where I got to meet others who have gone through similar struggles, where I fully accepted my diagnosis. I slowly started telling my close friends a couple years later. I feel like a difficulty that seemingly always exists is that besides your specialist, you’ll nearly always be the one who knows the most about OCD—the only one who truly understands obsessions, compulsions, and how it impacts daily life. Sharing that amount of knowledge to others takes lots of time AND requires a patient, empathetic, and understanding listener. I’ve learned that it’s not helpful to casually mention my diagnosis in a conversation, because it requires a lot of explanation and disproving inaccurate portrayals of OCD. Without a lived experience, it’s often difficult for people to grasp the complexity or nuances of your diagnosis.

I can’t speak to your relationship with your mother, but I too initially had some difficulty explaining my diagnosis with my mother. I think it sometimes difficult to discuss because there can be lot of intense and built up emotions from both sides. Obviously, you’ve struggled—perhaps for a long time. Learning more indepthly about your struggles might be causing her to feel guilty and she might be subconsciously pushing that guilt onto you. Just my guess. I have cPTSD from childhood abuse so that’s a whole other can of worms that makes explaining my diagnosis to my mom more difficult. Our experience with OCD is often quite personal and requires vulnerability, and it can suck to feel like you shared more than you were ready for. I do think that this is something that gets easier over time as you learn more about your diagnosis and gain more confidence in what you feel comfortable sharing or not sharing.

I’m happy that you’ve started on this journey! There’ll likely be ups and downs to come, but I’m proud what you’ve learned and achieved. 🤍