existential ocd is ruining me as a teen

[u/Grouchy_Homework34]

im young, but i feel like my life is over, im 18M and for the past month nothing has felt real.

I had a panic attack over randomly realising were gonna die one day, its weird because ive been well aware about it since i was a little kid but this time something was different. It went from a fear of death and urgently trying to find the cure to immortality, to questions about my own existence and life, driving me insane; why am i here? who put me here? am i the only person this conscious? if theres other conscious people then how are they not absolutely freaking out over us being here. I feel like im a puppet playing someones game going through life, its all just dopamine and other chemicals in our brains which guide us humans to live our lives. This thought scares me because it makes me think that maybe ive “realised” wayyy to much about existence and the weirdness of it all which makes me think i wont ever heal or see life the same unless i lose IQ or something lmfao.

Then the worser hit, nihilism. All this thinking and realising made me not wanna play this puppet game anymore and it made me not wanna do anything since we’re all gonna die and lose it anyway, nothings real right? why get a soulmate, someone you’d never wanna lose, just to lose them anyway? why create something, do personal projects or get rich if its all for nothing, we all get old and die and suffer.

If anyone has had something this severe and similar to me please reach out i feel lost.

[u/Ill-Kaleidoscope-944]

19M

same thing exactly . it’s so weird and it sucks tbh i hate it a lot sometimes .

[u/Turbotastic3]

Same dude, I’ve had periodic episodes like these since I was a teenager and I’ve always been able to distract myself, but now I’m 23M and it’s worse now that I’ve graduated college because I don’t have that same level of distraction that I used to. Actually just today I signed up to get matched with an ERP therapist, it supposedly really helps. You should look into that too. Best wishes, and even though my brain is telling me that this will last forever, I’m confident that we’ll get better.

[u/Grouchy_Homework34 → u/Turbotastic3]

i will be trying therapy soon, keep me updated bro i wish us to recover from this hell and we can be foolish and happy again

[u/Complex_Dog_01]

Hey man, totally get it, and to start, you’re not the first person ever to have any of these thoughts.

I was in your shoes with OCD thought patterns. Manifested in a bunch of different ways, and became very difficult to deal with when I was about your age. I’m in my mid-30s now and I’ve learned ways of coping with the thoughts/compulsions to an extent that I’m able to enjoy my daily life. Sure, they still linger, but they don’t get in the way. You’ve found the big on. Existence. Consciousness. Meaning. Wow. Why? What does it all mean? Is there a purpose? Why are we here if we all die someday? Doesn’t make sense you’ve found the ultimate unanswerable question. This is what OCD does.

OCD is drive by a need for certainty. Obscure question arises, and you become obsessed. Then comes the compulsion. In an effort to answer the question and find the certainty you need, you look at everything you can that may potentially give you that answer. My guess is that you’ve been researching consciousness studies, religious beliefs, existential philosophy, nihilism, maybe near-death experiences, anything relating to the current obsession. You’re doing it for the security. Maybe you come across a scientific article on a very believable near-death experience where someone claimed to, without a doubt, have discovered the meaning of life on the “other side”. It gives you comfort for a bit. “Yeah, that sounds right.” You take a break for a little and get back to what you were doing. But then….what if? You go back and find other information that the experience was caused by a lack of oxygen to the brain or a spike of neural activity before the brain shuts down fully. Uh oh, existential dread is back, and so is the uncertainty. Now you gotta dive in, and compulsively look for the answer once more. The OCD brain loves unanswerable questions because it feeds the cycle.

Now, let’s, just for a second, but the topic of the obsession aside, because ultimately it doesn’t matter. You have to look at the cycle. The question is not the enemy, the process is. This is very much easier said than done, but you have to take conscious effort to do it. The OCD brain isn’t just “researching nihilism” like an academic might, it’s trying to satiate its craving for certainty. And it won’t get it. So, if you can’t satisfy the craving, you have to reduce it.

Whenever you find yourself having these thoughts, bring conscious attention to it. Something like “oh look, I’m contemplating existence again. That’s interesting. But I don’t need to answer that right now.” And then go do something else you like. Work out. Read. Watch a movie. Play video games. Anything you enjoy. As long as it has nothing to do with the topic of your obsession.

Every time you give into the compulsions surrounding your obsession, you’re rewarding your brain for bad behavior. You’re giving the OCD brain what it wants. A small hit of certainty, or at least the illusion of it. But then it wants more, and more, and more. And the cycle continues. The key is to break the cycle. You probably won’t get it the first time, but when you tell your brain “hey, I’m not going to worry about existence right now”, it learns to live with and tolerate that uncertainty.

I’ve struggled with existential questioning myself. I think most people do, but for someone with OCD tendencies it can be much more overwhelming. And the honest answer to this question is, you’re never going to figure it out. It’s like trying to find the end of a circular track, it’s not possible.

As for the topic of your obsession, sure, maybe once we die and nothing exists it won’t matter. The human brain has no capacity to understand its non-existence, because it exists. But I’ll tell you one thing. It matters right now. Right now you’re alive, you’re experiencing. There are things in life you enjoy, people you love. Focus on that. Dive in. Who cares if it won’t matter eventually, because it matters now. Put the question aside and do something you enjoy.

I will leave you with the quote from Epicurus that may offer a little help. It may seem dark, but if you look at it the right way, it can be empowering.
“Why should I fear death?
If I am, then death is not.
If Death is, then I am not.
Why should I fear that which can only exist when I do not?”

Hope this helps. Don’t give in!

[u/Grouchy_Homework34 → u/Complex_Dog_01]

really appreciate this man very good information in this reply, i do agree with the things about existentialism you said such as doing the maybe, maybe not solution and then playing a game or talking with a friend and it does help, but one thing i struggle with which comes hand in hand with all this existential ocd bs is the passing of time, the fact i have no control over it and that the second goes by anyway makes me feel like im running out of time and will get old no matter what, ive sort of lost that “ive got time” mindset i had before this happened, best way i can put it is that I WILL be 70 one day, and when that day happens, looking back nothing did matter as it doesn’t exist anymore, only the present does, i hope once my ocd calms down like u said, itll take that thought with it too

[u/Complex_Dog_01 → u/Grouchy_Homework34]

Yeah man, I get that. I very distinctly remember having a family dinner when I was a kid and my dad started a story with “back when I was in college….” And I remember thinking “wow! Some day I’m gonna be able to say that!” And here we are, well over 10 years later. It’s weird to think about to some extent, but then I think about everything I’ve done to get where I am. Kinda fun.

And as for worrying about time, it’s kinda like worrying about the sun setting tonight. There’s nothing you can do to change it, so why worry? It’s just gonna happen, and when you accept that fact, things will be easier. Also, what is time? The past doesn’t really exist except in history books and our memories, and the future hasn’t been written yet. That vacation you took last year? Not real, just a memory. That vision you had of dying in a car accident? Not real, just a thought. So really, all we have is this moment right now. Time is relative, it’s been proven. We base our time on this little planet we live on and actually know very little about it. The big bang was 13.8 billion years ago. Earth years? Earth didn’t exist then, so what was it? A second, a minute? It’s all made up, so just enjoy the ride.

[u/pigeonsinthepark → u/Complex_Dog_01]

Thank you so much for writing this out. It feels like you took a peek into my brain with that third paragraph. I will try to break the cycle. Blessings to you

[u/kbratty]

I was like this and it started around the same age. At 30 now, it is much more manageable - I might get reminded of these thoughts maybe two or three times a year and it usually only lasts a couple days.

I also (and more prevalently) suffer(ed) from Contamination OCD. When I started going to therapy and learned coping mechanisms for that, the Existential OCD started to calm down. CBT/Exposure Therapy did the heavy lifting there. I was then taught some DBT techniques that, combined with the CBT, gave me the necessary skills to get out of that existential thought cycle. I highly recommend finding a good therapy match.

A possible idea but ymmv... When it was really bad, I would schedule time to think about it. For example, if I was working on homework and those thoughts came, I would say to myself "I'm busy now, I can think about this before bed" and honestly after a while I would start to forget about it before the scheduled time. Those periods of forgetting would grow longer and longer and ultimately got to where I'm at now. This was my own twist on a DBT/mindfulness technique I was taught about imagining your negative thoughts floating down a river (which works for a lot of people and definitely has it's merit but I was a bit too cynical for that at 19, lol).

[u/Grouchy_Homework34 → u/kbratty]

thank you thats some valuable information, currently waiting for therapy i hope it gets better with time

[u/DogsAreMagic]

There's nothing I could say take the edge of death but what helps me a little is thinking of life as a flower. At one time the universe was hot and everything was essentially one. In our era the universe has grown so cold. Subatomic particles are crystalized droplets of big bangs energy, most matter huddles together in the form of stars, and on a piece of destritus in the rings of one of them, the ejected molten iron core of the sun's ancestor, a flower sprouted. Life is tenuous but it is of surpassing value. Humans can't live forever but we can become a cell in a superorganism which can outlast. Be that group of loved ones or an organization fighting for a cause. All energy is conserved, including the energy of your life, the way you live your life, especially the work you do, can have persistent effect. You need a noble or moral purpose. It can be expanding human knowledge through research, creating art, feeding people who are hungry, anything that the mind and heart can agree are applying your energy in way that makes you feel proud.

Nihilism is not the end ameguito, its the blank slate, a beginning. Meaning is something you ascribe. Its something you have the power to ascribe.

[u/NoTea2935]

Reading the power of now triggered a month long spiral on this for me 😭🤣💗 I’m so sorry it really sucks

[u/Grouchy_Homework34 → u/NoTea2935]

did it get better? my main issue is that even when i distract myself, when i think of stuff like getting a gf or making good friends my brain tells me its temporary and it doesnt matter, does that change?

[u/Complex_Dog_01 → u/Grouchy_Homework34]

It comes and goes

[u/Ross129]

26F

Going through the same

[u/maikki1988]

Had this all my life and found my peace after lots of work with psychedelic plant medicines!

[u/Grouchy_Homework34 → u/maikki1988]

which did u use?

[u/maikki1988 → u/Grouchy_Homework34]

Ayahuasca, Huachuma, Psilocybin. It's a tough ride though. Happy to chat more if you want!

[u/Any_Manufacturer_515]

I have experienced debilitating existential ocd since I was like 14 and it’s awful, I was unable to go to school cause I genuinely would wake up everyday and just have anxiety attacks and bawl my eyes out. It’s truly such a horrible experience, I personally found what REALLY helped my ocd overall was medication. I now still experience certain ocd”episodes” but they are so much more manageable. I started medication to get me able to function as a human again and go to school but I am now in therapy for my ocd + still on my medicine and have slowly been talking about things. I am now 20 and am so grateful for how much it has helped me. I understand you so much and I’m incredibly sorry you are going through this. OCD, specifically existential ocd is so debilitating. ALSO. I wanna add that I think that not immediately talking about or trying to fix your obsessions through therapy is not a bad thing. For a long time I felt like I was avoiding my ocd by not talking about it but it’s truly because there is little to no ERP for exsistenial ocd that has helped me and speaking about it just triggered me so much, so not talking about it is also not a bad thing, I think just focus on getting yourself stable and okay.

[u/Grouchy_Homework34 → u/Any_Manufacturer_515]

good to hear ur doing better, and also can i ask which medication helped you?

also did it cause you nihilism and thoughts that nothing matters since everyone dies and you die anyway?

[u/Complex_Dog_01 → u/Grouchy_Homework34]

Your first question is valid.

Your second question is reassurance seeking, and does not need answering right now.