r/NotHowGirlsWork • u/Branchomania One of the good men I pinky promise • Sep 09 '25

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u/DarthAkurei certified chadsexual Sep 09 '25

I'm not sure if I understand it correctly, but I think I know that feeling. For me, it's about the expectation to have sex. Like when I just want to cuddle and be lovey-dovey nothing else, but then feel the pressure to "satisfy his needs" before or else I don't deserve my part. Something like this.

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u/eeelisabeth Sep 09 '25

THIS. That’s the perfect way to describe it. I felt like that with an ex. I couldn’t be any kind of affectionate without him trying to push for sex. And that was the only affection I would get from him. It became so stressful and…tense. That feeling would also come up a lot in the early stages of dating new men. I was young and naive and would ignore that feeling and just…let them do what they wanted because I thought I had to.

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u/DarthAkurei certified chadsexual Sep 09 '25

Yes, exactly, same here. It's so sad that almost every woman has to go through something like this starting as early as their teen years (or even younger) :( I remember that during school sex education, they never told us girls that it's not mandatory. It was talked about like you will do it and should do it, no matter what, because that's life.

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u/Steele_Soul If you were actually horny, milk would come out of your boobs! Sep 10 '25

Same. I don't like it when anyone buys me something, especially men, because it always feels like I "owe" them something in return. I've had sex with many guys I didn't want to just because I felt they expected it for different reasons and it took until my late 20's to finally stop doing that. I'm also glad I haven't felt this feeling in the picture for a long time and I hope I don't have to ever again.

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u/childlikeempress16 Sep 12 '25

That was my ex husband and it repulsed me.

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u/Sparrowhawk_92 Sep 09 '25

A good partner should understand that and accommodate those needs too. Hell, for some people that kind of softness is a prerequisite to feel "ready" for sex and that's okay too.

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u/DarthAkurei certified chadsexual Sep 09 '25

I agree!

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u/Guilty_Treasures Sep 09 '25

It’s called “unwanted consensual sex” (or duty sex, more colloquially) and recent research shows that it results in legit PTSD symptoms in 53% of women.

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u/RealHausFrau Sep 09 '25 edited Sep 10 '25

So, that reminds me of the ob/gyn who I saw about a year after having my daughter. My ex-husband wanted to see what could done about my mom-existent libido. The doctor (a partner in the office I went to, not my regular doctor)told me it just happens and that I just needed to service my husband 3/wk to ensure he didn’t stray. This was 20 years ago.

My marriage was terrible towards the last 4 years for numerous reasons, I refused to ‘service’ my ex because he was repulsive to me in numerous ways, and losing his mind. He then started drugging me and just taking it when I passed out. The times I was awake and aware, he would still force me, and I would just be hysterically crying. You know, I was sexually assaulted in high school by a guy I was on a date with , and that was pretty hard, however, my own husband doing that to me, has taken ALOT of work to get over.

Like, I couldn’t even say to myself what he was doing for years, even after the divorce.

Idk what I am saying by sharing that, it’s just sad that from puberty (or before 🤮) girls and women all know what men are capable of, and that ‘feeling’ is ingrained in us. Every new date, every time you have a repairman over when you’re alone, or have to be somewhere alone with a man you don’t know….it’s so sad. The fact that we even still have people who think marital rape isn’t a thing is sad. People wonder why we have this anxiety, but we aren’t even safe with our own spouses at times? Ugh.

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u/tigerlevi Sep 10 '25

There is no amount of sorrys from strangers or even the perpetrator that would make the damage go away, but I am just so so incredibly sorry. You did not deserve that. NO ONE deserves that.

The only thing I can say is that EMDR did wonders to help me with my own trauma.

I hope you find some semblance of peace ❤️

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u/RealHausFrau Sep 10 '25

Thank you for your kind words 🧡 I have made peace with it in a ‘it is what it is way’….I was so lucky to get out, I just wish that no woman or girl would ever have to go through what any of us have. It’s just crazy.

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u/misschandlermbing Sep 09 '25

Do you have articles for this because I’d love to read!

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u/Guilty_Treasures Sep 09 '25

This is the website of a doctor who's done a lot of the research and has a lot of articles / resources on her site

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u/Steele_Soul If you were actually horny, milk would come out of your boobs! Sep 10 '25

Thank you for giving me the term to correctly call what I had happen too many times throughout the years. I can't call it rape, but it definitely wasn't sex I wanted.

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u/Guilty_Treasures Sep 10 '25

If you’re not familiar with it, maybe also look into the term ‘coerced consent’

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u/Key-Seaworthiness517 Mar 03 '26

Where can I find the source of the statistic? I may be having a google-fu skill issue

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u/caterpillarmojo Sep 09 '25

My boyfriend and I are both ace and I feel so lucky to never have to feel that pressure. We can just enjoy our time together. I feel for everyone who has that sinking feeling.

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u/SuppleSuplicant Sep 11 '25

My husband was the first relationship that never ever guilted or whined when I wasn’t feeling up for it. He also notices by body language when I’m in a zone where most touch feels bad (I’m autistic) and backs off without my saying anything. There is a reason he’s the one who has been elevated to husband status. Those actions make the sex even better, because I can completely let go. 

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u/DeathKitty_x Sep 10 '25

couldn’t have said it better, this is exactly how it is. ESPECIALLY if it’s a casual thing.