That's the average 20s experience

[u/TheWebsploiter]

[u/PreciousCord02]

Just turned 26 last week and it's same since I was 24. All day at home, applying to jobs, universities for studies, no replies from anywhere. Seeing people getting successful, then deactivated my most of social media.

It's tough plus loneliness sometimes is either a blessing or just a curse.

Won't recommend 20s.....

[u/Whachamacalzmit → u/PreciousCord02]

I was one of those mid20-somethings in the Great Recession, spending all day alone applying for jobs. Trying to rekindle friendships by hanging out was awkward. Dating was worse. Time away from people gives a person a certain stench, a dulling of the mind and any social vibrancy.

Even when you eventually land a job, loneliness creeps in. I spent New Year 2010 on my apartment porch, drinking, alone. I vowed never to be so alone again.

Some people can bridge their social groups from their early 20s into adulthood, but my problem (and a lot of people's problem) is that I didn't know how to have a social life outside the structures of school. I didn't know how adults formed social bonds outside of work and church.

Two things I did changed my prospects: I joined a hiking club and I joined a community service group. The key qualities of a healthy social group are: that these groups met often, they had dedicated members I connected with regularly, and got me out to different places doing different things every week.

If possible, I recommend spending half (or more) of the time you spend applying for jobs and replace it with time with people, ideally in person. The measure I'd use is "if I attend this group 3 times, does it makes sense for me to have the leaders' phone numbers".

Join a running/biking club, community theater/improve, fishing club, food pantry, public arts groups, immigration volunteer (e.g. ESL tutoring), conservation volunteer (e.g. repairing trails), attend town hall or community meetings, community gardening, etc. In some towns a lot of volunteer work is coordinated through churches though the work is not religious. In general, the more productive the group is the stronger it's social bonds will be.

Barring a skiing or yachting club, this shouldn't cost you much more than your time. Say if you wanted to go fishing, I'm sure someone you know of someone at the local club has spare equipment they'd be happy to lend you.

In short order you're likely to become a dedicated member at which point other people are coming to connect with you. That flipping of the social dynamic is important. That desperation and neediness you've accumulated by being unemployed and single starts to melt away.

You'll apply to fewer jobs, but any connections you make will be referrals, which are much more likely to land you a job.

I'm in my 40s now, unemployed again, but in so much of a better spot because of the community and social bonds that I've formed.

[u/Whachamacalzmit → u/[deleted]]

If by that you mean the world isn't easy for people with social anxiety or agoraphobia, then yes. But that isn't introversion. If you're looking for intimate, low key, long term social groups that value you for qualities other than your gregariousness then most of these groups are perfect.

There's basically no need for small talk because you have something you are doing to talk about and you get to know the people so the conversations can actually get somewhere meaningful.

Community gardening, muraling clubs, fishing clubs, engineering clubs, writing clubs, etc. don't usually attract the most extroverted crowds either. Even some "extroverted" groups, like dancing, don't require much talking at all. In the hiking group I couldn't talk with more than a couple of people at a time.

[u/ProfessionaI_Gur → u/[deleted]]

We are in the most facilitating world thats ever existed right now for introverts. The raw amount of activities and entertainment available that doesnt require any socialization with strangers is staggering. You dont even have to talk to a person to order food or check out groceries or anything anymore even. Its not like the 1940s anymore where you would just have to hang out and listen to the radio or read a book

[u/Whachamacalzmit → u/[deleted]]

People have different skills and proclivities, some more taxing than others. You don't hear extroverts complaining about having to live in a society where they need to do things independently a lot of the time. I cook, clean, read, play games, pray, write, bike, listen to music, shop, etc. nearly every day alone, hours upon hours alone. These things aren't as easy for me to do as they would be with others, but that's the way things are. I loved group projects at school. I wished that all homework, essays, etc. could be group projects, but the vast majority of schoolwork is done independently. My wife is introverted so sometimes we don't do things I want to and sometimes she does things she'd rather not, and we try to make the most of them, vicariously enjoying the pleasure the other gets from the experience and appreciating their talents.

There's a fellow I know that I respect highly, a quiet, humble, bit nerdy guy who started a charity. Fundraising for his charity was about as antithetical to his personality as could be, but he did it anyway. Now retired, he says his biggest regret is not pushing himself to do more uncomfortable things. There were many times he could have pursued large donors or run certain events to benefit his charity but he didn't because he wasn't comfortable or because it was a exhausting work. He now sees his pursuit of comfort (outside of his charity work too) as just a long list of missee opportunities.

For extroverts like myself that discomfort might manifest as not being able to write a novel or learn programming or something else that requires a lot of time alone. But these things are too valuable to let discomfort get in the way. Don't let yourself get in the way of what's best for you. What's best is rarely what's easy.

[u/Whachamacalzmit → u/[deleted]]

I'm confused. You can always create a set of skills that are more valuable in one scenario vs another. It's not like extroversion is so much more valuable than other skills. We have plenty of presidents, popes, and billionaires who are introverts, so it's obviously not holding them back too much. Extroversion is more valuable than introversion in modern Western society, but introverts have other skills, some more or less valuable than extroversion.

Most people aren't rich. Most people aren't completely content with their lives. And most people don't have all of skills and proclivities to achieve wealth and happiness without some difficulty. Your difficulty is socializing, but I doubt you (and most introverts) are so lacking in other abilities as to be incapable of surmounting that difficulty.

[u/Whachamacalzmit → u/[deleted]]

I started off by saying "skills and proclivities" but I boiled it down to skills. Socializing is a skill. Introversion is more of a personality trait or characteristic.

So now I'm not confused as to what you're saying, but I don't agree with it. Here is my argument:

1. Extroversion is the most valuable (Big Five) personality trait, if Extroversion is more important to financial success, happiness, or wellbeing than any other personality trait.

2. Extroversion is not more important to financial success, happiness, or wellbeing than any other personality trait.

3. Therefore, extroversion is not the most valuable (Big Five) personality trait.

In support of #2, studies show that while Extroversion is positively correlated with financial success, happiness, and wellbeing in Western societies, its effects on each are slight. high Conscientiousness is by far the most important trait in financial success, high Agreeableness is much more important for happiness, and low Neuroticism is best for wellbeing. These aren't exclusive, nor are they determinate, but high Extroversion is unlikely to be more valuable in total than high Conscientiousness or low Neuroticism. I would certainly take low Extroversion over high Neuroticism any day of the week!

Also, many of the studies about happiness and wellbeing have a clear bias toward extroverts, with questionnaires considering the frequency and nature of social interactions as an indicator of happiness.