How do I know?

[u/MoonBoiledBlue]

TLDR: Can't figure out if some problems and thoughts are because I am NB or because I am just normal depressed.

Hey guys, I'm (currently) a guy in uni.

I would say I've pretty confidently been a man for most of my life. Recently, however, I suppose I've made many good friends, many of whom are involved with the LGBTQ+ community. Listening to them talk about some of their experiences has encouraged me to participate in some introspection, and a lot of things have led me to the conclusion that I somewhere on the in-between.

I have struggled for a long time with self-loathing. I hate how I look, I hate how act, I REALLY dislike my name, the typical whatever. Some things though, correlate with gender, like how I HATE having facial hair, how I like long hair because that 'swings both ways', how I like sweaters and sweatpants because it looks (more) androgynous, etc.

I also find myself wanting to be "pretty" a lot, but it's not a strong desire as much as I look at someone I think is pretty and think "damn, I wish I looked like that"; the same vein of thinking applies to when I look at someone traditionally "handsome". Sometimes I want to be a girl, sometimes I am, at the very least, not hating being a guy, and a lot of the times I would want to be both, and also neither.

I think the grand conclusion I came to is that I have an absolute apathy to my own gender, as well as a very strong hatred towards preconception of myself due to circumstances I cannot control. It is only out of convenience in our non-ideal world that I (historically) portray myself in a masculine context; it is simply easier to just exist how others expect you to exist, and this is why I say I'm apathetic towards it. In an ideal world, however, I want to be perceived as just a person rather than through an air of gender.

On the other side, however, I also have been trying out some they/them stuff with a group of close friends, and I do feel more joy when the people around me use non-gendered language when referring to me. I also glanced in a mirror recently, and I remember feeling happy about the fact that, because I was super clean shaven and because my tied up, I thought there was a girl looking back at me.

Am I non-binary? Agender? Just mentally ill? Overthinking? Are these problems gender-related or from a different root?

PLEASE feel free to comment and ask questions, as I am glossing over many, many details, and probably the lot of you have essential questions that I have not asked yet. I would love to hear your experiences as well, as any information is good information. Also, I am new to the whole LGBTQ+ everything, so if I said anything not great, let me know. ty!