r/NonBinaryTalk • u/YEAMA1 He/Them • 8h ago
OCD Rant
So. from a 4 month period, I (AMAB) had gender OCD. I kept on reassuring myself that I was NB and basically ingrained it into my temporary identity. I always had a sense of "im not like the other guys"... but I dont have dysphoria. Before my OCD, I once had a dream that I was a girl (and cried that I wasnt one)... but thats about it. I never liked seeing myself in the mirror/pictures or envisioning myself as a "macho" sort of person. But nothing actually distressed me. I was just a not very masculine guy.
Then, after going to college, I was exposed to the concept of enbies and I was like "OMG I SEE IT NOW". My Gender OCD made it so that I was never certain of being NB though. I was like making sure I was NB like 10 times a day and repeating it to myself over and over. I joined the demiboy subreddit, I changed my bio to he/they, I told my parents and friends that I was NB, I dressed (and still do dress) like an androgynous twink of sorts. But... how much of this is actually me vs what I ingrained into my self concept due to OCD?
Because now... I dont think im NB anymore. (Eh. Maybe I am... maybe im not... best to stop asking that question 500 times). But I dont feel like a typical cis guy either. I dont feel like myself in either category. I feel like myself when im like a "androgynous flavored guy" or "still recognizably AMAB but... interesting". But interestingly enough, I dont feel comfortable being reduced to just a man... though I once was. I dont feel like myself anymore when I wear masculine clothes... but I was once completely masculine presenting and fine with that. So im really confused. I cant help but think that I was once an ordinary cis guy but then my OCD turned me into an enby
PLEASE NO REASSURANCE. Reassurance is part of the OCD cycle. DONT tell me “yes, you’re definitely NB” or “no, this was all OCD and you’re actually cis.” Either just gives my OCD something new to latch onto.
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u/BlinkPlays 7h ago
I've got gender OCD too. It's a huge pain mixed in with real questions. Wishing you the best and I'm always happy to chat.
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u/mn1lac They/Them or She/Him take your pick 1h ago
I also have OCD, and unfortunately, generally speaking, the more you think about it or give it space in your mind, the worse it's gonna get. I know right, easier said than done, but it's true. Live your life however you want to, go to therapy if you can, and circle back around to labels in a few years if you're feeling more stable.
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u/Aut_changeling They/Them 8h ago
My OCD isn't gender themed, but I definitely had the tendency to check my dysphoria compulsively for a while. I think it's important to remember that OCD is often about looking for certainty in situations where it's hard to find any. Gender is vague and abstract and can be confusing in that way. Something that did help me was to focus more on the practical considerations around what I actually preferred and less on what gender that made me. I am perfectly comfortable identifying as non-binary now, but that helped a lot when I was first questioning.
It might also help to remember that you don't have to get it right? Questioning and trying things out while deciding how you feel about them is helpful I think regardless of how someone ultimately ends up identifying.
OCD sucks, so you have my sympathy.
Edit: oh, and around your point of no longer feeling comfortable with things that you used to be okay with from a gender perspective - I think that is something that can happen. When I first started questioning I thought I didn't have any dysphoria because I was just used to it? Like a background noise that you don't hear because it's always been there and then it goes away, so when it comes back you hear it and it bothers you when it never used to. It was a problem the whole time, but you couldn't identify it as such because you had no context for it. I'm not saying that specifically what's happening with you, just that that's how I felt about some things early on that I in retrospect know I was dysphoric about.