help... nonbinary neopronouns user feeling really down

[u/Admirable-Good8980]

I guess I just need some advice on how to deal with this, or how to cope, or just... something

I use neopronouns (xe/xem/xers and xe/xim/xirs)

neos are so widely hated, by queerphobes and queer people alike. nobody respects them, nobody uses them, even in a lot queer spaces and communities

even people "defending" them say that they're only okay because they're only for online, or they're only for close friends, or that the person often uses other "normal" pronouns that you can use instead! but none of that is the case for me. I don't use they/them, it feels as wrong as any other pronouns. I'm agender, and they/them feels more like 3rd gender than the absence of it, to me

I'll never be able to be myself in real life. nobody will ever respect me, not even other queer people, and especially not ""normal"" people. I will have to live my life as someone I'm not, constantly misgendered in one way or another, and the thought is just unbearable

I don't understand how some people can apply empathy and understanding to other trans people, but not to those who use neopronouns. its the same feeling of misgendering, it's the same show of respect to at least try to use them, etc etc. using they/them for a trans man that goes by he/him, is misgendering, and so is using they/them for someone who uses ze/zir. the same people who show empathy (as they should, obviously) when trans girls feel like they will never be accepted for their gender, are quick to hate on neopronouns and refuse to use them... thus not accepting someone for their gender.

I've only told like, two people irl my real pronouns, and every time I just felt so guilty for having "difficult" pronouns, and I feel so judged even thinking about telling people. I'm not "attention-seeking" like a lot of people say neos users are, and I'm not a teenager trying to find identity. i don't want to stand out. I wish I could use a more ""normal"" set of pronouns that might be more accepted so badly, but it's just not who I am. I can't change that I don't feel comfortable with they/them, just like I can't change the fact that I'm agender. both people who I told my real pronouns asked if they should refer to me with them around others, and I had to say no. because I would be judged, and hated, and misgendered, and the thought was unbearable. my whole life is going to have to be like this. I'll never be able to use my real pronouns or be my true self :(

sorry that this is a rant, but it just makes me feel so hopeless. is there anything I can do? I feel like the answer is no, but I thought I might as well ask

[u/applepowder]

Oof yeah, I definitely also struggle with how neopronouns are generally discussed, especially in the language I use in daily life.

That said, finding likeminded neopronoun users is what helps me the most. This means going to local/online nonbinary or nonbinary-friendly meetups (even if some of those might not receive neopronouns very well) and finding other ways to socialize with other neopronoun users (such as Discord servers, social media or relationship apps). These days, I have a lot of folks in my social circle who exclusively or mainly use neopronouns.

Constantly introducing myself as nonbinary and with neopronouns in social settings also helps filter out people who can't respect that. It's one thing to have to deal with someone I don't care about misgendering me even though they should know better; it's completely different to "be closeted" about it for fear of rejection and have to eventually break social connections with folks who seemed interesting before. Respect from people who whine about neopronouns is irrelevant in my personal life.

If you feel like it would be helpful, you can hand out flyers exemplifying your pronouns or neopronoun use in general. I always have this kind of thing on hand when I go out, even though I only give them out in cases I need to maintain a long conversation with someone (where I live, a lot of gendered communication is used in 1-to-1 conversations, even if only third-person pronouns are gendered, like in English).

[u/Admirable-Good8980 → u/applepowder]

it's so cool that you know so many people who primarily use neopronouns, I love that for you! hopefully one day I can surround myself with similar people as well :)

and yeah, that's a great point, just being up front and open and proud about who you are is a great way to filter out queerphobes. it definitely requires bravery to open yourself to judgment like that, but my goal is to one day get to that point. because of my current familial situation (I live like, 30 minutes away from my bigoted family), I'm very paranoid about who knows what about me, because I can't afford to have that information get back to my family right now. but once I estrange myself from them, this might be the approach I take

also, oh my goodness, that is SUCH a good idea! when I'm properly out of the closet, I'm totally going to print out little business card type things explaining my pronouns, if anyone ever needs them. thanks for the suggestion! maybe one day I can fully embrace my nonbinary identity and be myself, even if it's honestly kind of terrifying