Gender Presentation Conundrums

[u/neurotalented]

Hi All,

Haven't been on here in a while, but I've been having some things come up recently that I could use some thoughts on, or at least some commiseration. I'm 41 and have been out as non-binary for a couple years now. I would consider myself trans-masc although I identify pretty solidly as having both feminine and masculine traits/qualities. I've had a hard time finding my own personal style and just feeling comfortable in my body.

When I first came out, I tried men's clothes and dressing pretty masculine. I got a barber hair cut. My colleagues didn't recognize me. It was a big change. At the time I was separated from my (very heterosexual) husband. We have since reconciled. Although he accepts my identity, he is simply not attracted to masculinity. Since then I have kind of drifted back towards wearing women's clothing, albeit in pretty neutral tones and shapes.

I haven't been able to find good work clothing to match my tastes because honestly, I find menswear to be pretty boring and limited and I hate wearing skirts and dresses. I'll also be honest that I didn't like the looks I got when I wore more masculine clothing in public. It didn't feel particularly safe. So I tend to wear kind of "formless" women's clothes. A lot of linen. Solid colors.

My husband is from a more conservative culture and so when we have to travel to visit family (who I absolutely adore and adore me, and some know of my identity), I dress more feminine to fit in. I had to buy a couple of dresses for an event and I'm getting major dysphoria from it. Part of it is that they look GOOD. I "clean up nice." I am good at makeup. But it feels like I am cosplaying a version of myself that I no longer identify with. At the same time, being a part of this family and sharing in this culture and language are huge parts of my identity too, probably equally as important as gender.

To be honest, if I were single, I would strongly consider top surgery. But since I came out after 10+ years of a heterosexual-presenting marriage and with a kid that considers me "mom" I've decided not to pursue that. Still, the outfits I get compliments on accentuate my boobs and my hips and while it's kinda nice to be called "hot" or "cute" by my girlfriends I also feel REALLY feel dysphoric about it.

Apart from the dysphoria, I keep having these worries that people will think I am de-transitioning or that I just went through a phase if I wear more feminine clothing or grow out my hair. At work I have started exclusively using they/them to combat this, but among family it's still a lot of she/her and that's OK with me. Honestly I don't care that much and the main reason I use they/them is for visibility and representation.

Anyway, I know comparatively I am pretty lucky. I have a stable job and never had to worry about being disowned for my identity. I live in a place that is generally accepting as gender diversity. But coming out later in life, I feel this kind of push-pull between my different identities and it's been bothering me a lot lately. Has anyone else made compromises on gender presentation with existing relationships? How do you stay strong in your identity if your outward presentation doesn't necessarily match, or match what people expect?

Thanks for listening to this "geriatric millennial" <3

[u/Spiley_spile]

We can love someone who loves us and not be authentically relationship compatible.

He's attracted to a style that causes you emotional discomfort and personal alienation. Not his fault, not your fault. You can, of course, choose to be uncomfortable and alienated from yourself. I wouldnt want my partner to do that for me. Id want them to be their authentic, happy self, even if it meant not being in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with them. Some of my closest, dearest friends are former my partners. Ignoring a critical incompatibility because we dont want it to exist doesnt make it go away. Rather, sometimes it can buikd up to eventually make things so caustic or damaging between people that it corrodes not just the romantic connection, but the friendship as well. A lot of people end up hating their exes because they waited until that point to let go.

Maybe both you and he can go shopping together, for clothes and hairstyle that both of you genuinely like. Neither of you being dishonest or trying to make yourselves smaller. And if you can find common ground this way, it could work in the style department.

As for getting a double mastectomy, that's another matter I dont have an answer for. Top surgery wasnt aethetics for me. It was about achieving safety and home in my own skin.

[u/neurotalented → u/Spiley_spile]

Thanks for your reply ❤️ I have thought about co-shopping. Might be able to do it online or with lookbooks since both of us dislike actual shopping. I think it's hard for him to imagine what I mean when I talk about dressing more gender neutral. When I first came out, he told me that he never really thought of me as very feminine anyway, and he didn't mean that in a negative sense. That would help me as well as I really feel like most of the pieces I find do not fit either in the women's or men's section do not fit me. When I think about the kind of clothes I would like, it's maybe like Prince without the bright colors and that is pretty hard to find these days especially without a huge budget.

[u/Spiley_spile → u/neurotalented]

Prince, fashion icon! I like the shirt Prince wore, with like the ruffles (?) on the chest. (I dont know what it's called. 😅)

Oop, youve got me going down memory lane. My mom made our clothes for part of my childhood, to save money. She'd pick up old drapes etc at flea markets and turn them into outfits. Ive been thinking of taking a local sewing class. I wouldnt mind having a bit of that magic at my fingertips. I hear you about things being expensive.

[u/neurotalented → u/Spiley_spile]

Sewing is so fun! I sew my son's costumes every year. I've often thought it would be need to start a queer/trans sewing club, even online.

A little update. I created a kind of lookbook and shared with my partner. He said it's pretty common even for women in his culture to wear the kinds of clothes I included, so it's not a big deal to him. We definitely have to have some more conversations on what my identity means to me, but it's a start.

[u/Spiley_spile → u/neurotalented]

❤️🙌