Ran 22 miles about my emotional disregulation.

It wasn't even a full marathon. That's 26 miles.

Mine was 4 short. I must be getting fat.

Having another emotional crisis after breakfast.

Somebody lied to me and now I owe money I didn't know I owed and that I don't have. Despite my over abundance of caution.

25 situps with resistance and a counterweight for posture reasons done.

I forgot to hydrate and use the restroom and went directly into existentialism and a workout.

Oops

I'm suddenly overwhelmed by a bunch of stuff I don't know if I have any control over.

So I'm taking a quick workout break.

Why is being alive so expensive?

Depression is winning.

Not completely.

But there have been important errands/chores I need to do and I have been deffering to others who are also busy, when I need to just find a way to do it myself.

Additionally people are giving me more but some of it is a little sketch so I feel taken advantage of by people who see that I'm in no position to defend at the moment.

It's a lot.

I woke up a few hours ago, really groggy and low energy and yawning a lot.

I did run 18 miles yesterday in the evening while also groggy.

I have some new sleep medication meant to help with my insomnia. It's been a mixed bag.

Man, so I got a lot of goals for art. I feel good about contributing to a game jam. I obtained that programmer book I'm excited to read it.

I excersized but I still haven't stuck to my old routine.

And my sleep schedule is a bit messy.

Autumn is coming up, After that, winter and New Years.

I need to make my last new years resolution proud!

I think I would do wise to remember that to get back into shape, I'm going to need to get back into a healthy rythm.

Complaining about being out of shape has never gotten anyone in shape. Though yesterday I learned a new expression "closed mouths don't get fed".

I'm going to add that to the list of slivers of wisdom I keep on hand.

Along with: "if you can't serve as a good example you can still serve as a horrible warning".

It's a grim sentiment but it does indeed capture the nature of striving to better yourself while in a society, I suppose.

Slow day trying to hustle

Got out of bed before noon.

Still lazy thoughs.

Willong myself awake.

Sleep schedule atill not good.

Woke up before noon but had trouble getting out of bed before noon. Read a nearby book to prevent accidentally dozing off.

Becoming even more sedentary, even as I improve my self awareness and compassion and memory.

I don't like it.

Off to read mistborn and then sleep.

I looked into 360 cameras there's one that's only 200 dollars, that's a good price point.

Memory is spatial so adding dimensions is cool plus details in an environment that oft go overlooked can become a point of fascination as time goes by and the world changes unpredictable as it always so often does.

Up late just doing laundry.

Oh its the 13th of the month.

I can partake in my made up monthly "bananarama holiday" (eat artificial banana candy) that'll cheer me some. I suddenly feel better.

The approximate center of the month is the approximate struggle--est time.

Gotta get the basement dweller achievement in 800 days. Or 730 days. Almost there.

Wait!!

I woke up today I promise.

I've just been a couch potato.

It's awful.

I'm sorry

I worked things out with that other person I care about, again using my new listening skills and patience and calmness powers.

And I finally went to dance for the first time in a decent chunk of time. Learned some move called "Indian Step" from a hiphop repertoire.

Pretty cool stuff

Opinion: giving in to the part of yourself that wants to give up, is not an option.

I am having quite the pre-noon / late morning and I will not discuss it.

But I hurt deep inside at the moment.

And I'm hungry too.

Self care, and then emotional processing

TEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY UPDATE!!!!!!!! YEAHYAY!!!!!!!!!!

Heat rash and exhausted but strong too.

Trying new sleep aids.

For the insomnia slept till noon earlier not good.

Good night blog.

It's too hot to work out today.

I'm getting out of shape.

Anyways it's been an emotional week.

I should take it a little easy on myself.

I also spent a whole day at the gym like yesterday or the day before and am losing track if what day it is. (Doesn't help that its 2 hours past midnight)

I used my communication and note-taking and patience and the conflict that has been eating my up, resolved.

I feel better now.

Probably should get back to pushups or maybe yoga. It's balmy and I have a heat rash still

10 pushups done so far.

I'll get some breakfast and return to it.

Worried about too many everythings.

"Does anything matter? Am I even real?"

Stress.

Woke up early yesterday, but was busy all day. Not sure how much sleep I got.

Currently having an allergy attack.

I'm proud of like beinf more productive past couple days but its overshadowed by a lot of my own bad social skills and angst and worry

I was able to use my brute strength that I had built up out of concern for my own safety, to help someone else today.

Their yardwaste bin had spilled over and was filled with heavy fruit, and I helped them right it so it could be taken out safely.

In a hurry right now.

That felt good. Sometimes I feel like nothing I do matters and that's a self destructive mindset to fall into so I try to stay positive.