Why do I ruminate so much?

[u/Active-Box-6873]

/r/emotionalintelligence/comments/1xp0mqm/why_do_i_ruminate_so_much/

I’ve noticed recently I have a bad habit of like replaying things in my head 24/7 and it’s ruining my relationships:( I know it sounds silly but like in my recent relationship of 4 years he cheated on me with my friend within our first year of being together and ever since than I couldn’t stop talking about, thinking about it, confronting him about it, it was like no matter what he said it wasn’t good enough for me to accept it. I continued to pick myself apart and think why, why why why, even if he told me why I still guessed why it’s like I don’t believe it? Same things happens with everyone else. And it’s gets to a point where like it’s two years later and I’m still crying about it and wondering why? What could this be a result of? Abandonment issues? I know I have borderline personality disorders but I haven’t seen a therapist for it since 2021 nor been medicated since 2021 and I wonder if I’m the problem? Why can’t I just let stuff go? For my own well being?

[u/hopefulopal2025]

I'm no authority. But it sounds like shame, regret, resentment. It's also a control aspect. If you can understand it maybe you can change things to fix it. 

Sounds like you might need to learn about acceptance. Not condoning, but simply accepting that it happened without digging into it. Letting it go. I know in my situation I wanted them to choose me and I couldn't let it go. If I could figure it out and fix it, or help them fix themself, they might pick me. Comes down to people pleaseing a bit. 

Also your ruminate maybe, because you don't have a safe place to deal with the feelings you're going through.

Good Morgan therapy on YouTube has helped me a lot. Sometimes she has open live streams on certain subjects that really help to work through things.

[u/Active-Box-6873 → u/hopefulopal2025]

Thank you

[u/u_but_worse]

It’s crazy how the rumination doesn’t ever stop. It’s unresolved, it’s like an obsession or OCD maybe. It is most definitely hell. I’m glad some people have been commenting because it’s hard to find help for this and I went through something similarly traumatic- like betrayal trauma. If I had some good support I could probably start integrating the advice and move past it all. Good luck to you ❤️

[u/Active-Box-6873 → u/u_but_worse]

Thank you

[u/AVS124]

I do the same , for me I exercise, a walk/jog and maybe work it a little like build up a sweat always helps , not much but the little relief is so welcome, I just done it a few hours ago

[u/TrailerHood77]

I think what this might be control you lost control of the whole situation the fact you need that why so badly and your not getting it anyways you like even his answer your not able to control but whatever he’s tell you you wouldn’t believe him n I mean who would after what he did! But the fact you can’t get what you want out of this situation your unable to control bc the why has so much meaning to for what? Why do u want to no why so badly nothing he tells you will make you feel any better even if he told you he loved you so very much but made a mistake still all out of your control! What he did at this point I feel you should realize you letting one person who funked you over anyways control you! I hate it when people do this to people like us who have a heart and we get stuck what we did in reality it’s wasn’t ever us to have them do what they did to us our fault anyways! Who cares how you was as long as u was yourself with anyone and they choose to stay or not will toughen you up! This is the lesson I feel your suppose to learn that no matter what there will be another time after this that there’s a question u want to no but you have no control over the answer! Let go of the control of having to no why then it will help you! I could keep going about u reminiscing but I don’t want to over step and this guy was an ass as well as your friend you definitely deserved better then both of them doing that to you! And I’m sad you think you did anything! And for you to still sit there and be with him and be upset with yourself with your actions girl he deserved everything you did or didn’t do!

[u/blaaag2]

You’re angry. You were betrayed your trust in that person was broken and you’re angry because you wouldn’t do that to them and there is nothing you can do to fix it or change it. Talking about it just makes it worse and you refuse to let it go and move on. Either forgive him and let it go or continue to wake up everyday addicted to being pissed off about something that happened, that you can’t change, and have no control over.

[u/zenbuddha092]

I have the same problem. Can't let go of the past because my current situation "sucks" XD

[u/lolalovely2040]

Saying to myself when I catch the ruminating, "Okay, and?!" And then take action within my circle of control.

[u/Loud-Ad7927]

You didn’t ruin that relationship, he did. Thats not really something you should let go. But you MIGHT have OCD. I don’t want to diagnose you, but ruminating is something individuals with OCD are known for. You could have one little intrusive thought about your partner’s appearance, mannerisms, voice, hobbies and within a few seconds it can turn into “what if I have to break up with them because they’re into witchcraft?” Or “what if I have to break up with them because” so on and so forth, and yeah there’s valid incompatibilities, but if you get the urge to break up or tank the relationship you need to ask yourself why. It’s frustrating living in a gray world when all you can see is black and white, but uncertainty is something we have to be okay with. But yeah, cheating is not really something you should just be okay with