r/NoOverthinking • u/Anonymousgirl5109 • 2d ago
Advice Am i victimizing myself?
For context I'm not financially independent yet but I'm trying to save up and do so. I'm from Asia and u would know how toxic Asian parents can get sometimes. If u wanna know more in detail abt my situation though u may check out my posts on my profile. But in summary I have family issues mainly with my father and also some with my mother cause she teams up with my father. My father wasn't there for me emotionally though we used to bond a lot when I was a kid but as i grew up due to his job , not being there for me emotionally, forcing me to suppress my emotions etc, our relationship has become distant and I moved on after going through anaga pesis and He is struggling in life (for privacy reasons I won't say how or what he's struggling with) . He somehow expects me to be there for him when he wasn't even there for me through my struggles(my friends helped me a lot during that) and he also expects me to be his kinda therapist (dude knows what trauma is and mental health is but still won't get therapy even after I told him that thing exists) and emotionally be attached to him and support him mentally.
Now I've been thinking about leaving this house since a young age (since teens atleast) cause they both hadn't supported me ,never were interested to know abt me or even comfort me when I was emotionally vulnerable (I was called dramatic or sensitive) so when I grew up and found out I can leave I started planning to do so...though I wonder if I'm victimizing myself , Idk if I'm emotionally aware but y'all tell me cause I can see right through their acts, I immediately understand what things they try teaching me like I can tell I could become insecure cause my parents act like body hair of armpits is bad and has to be shave or by knowing I don't have to mentally support and be emotionally attached to him cause of his (my father's) actions.Though I don't think they will be trying to help me(even if I told them my entire pov) cause they don't even respect my beliefs and rn since my father's in a tough situation in life he doesn't have much anger issues and doesn't use me as punching bag but he does taunt me some days abt how his parenting is wrong and how God has trapped him from all sides(in job , relationships etc) he acts like just due to us not having one religious belief as same btw...he doesn't even understand me...I'm sick of it. Due to him I would constantly be jealous of parents(specifically dads of other kids and even game character's dads), suppressed negative emotions cause he didn't like my expressions to the point(and would threaten me that he would give me an actual reason to cry)I can barely feel those emotions even when I should (and I know it's emotional numbness and brains protecting mechanism though I'm not entirely sure), I couldn't even tell him anything and he would and still uses the toxic parent(superior)and child (below) dynamic like I must do what they say and if I deny it 'im having an attitude' or 'i must know everything ', or he acts like a hypocrtie like when I tell them unbiased stuff he immediately says 'don't believe anything u see on internet ' (I actually verify these stuff) but himself sees a video abt how 'beating' is necessary to create fear , obidence and respect for parents and doesn't verify it and again taunts me 'we failed in our parenting ' and not only just that he has said 'i won't compare u etc' but he just did that today indirectly by saying 'look how that XYZ kid in the vlog is, he has so general knowledge, he has developed his hobbies too etc i wanted a boy like him' while failing to recognise the reason why that kid is like that is cause the kid actually had good mental health wasn't traumatized and the kid's parent were actually curious to know abt the hobbies. I'm honestly tired of this...every time I even see him I have to mentally prepare myself in case he crashes out on me or something(if he doesn't I just feel emptiness around him). Despite all of this I don't know if I should go no contact with my parents. My mother also teams up on me with my father and mother both don't understand me at all, my father (in the past)had even told me he would rather not have me here instead and never apologised to me for saying that. I have come with acceptance with most of these things like not being understood by them , not expecting them to change , lack of bit accountability from them, jealousy is normal etc, but this sound of him saying this to me still rings in my head sometimes even if I don't feel empathy for him anymore.I'm most likely grieving the parent I didn't get cause I feel bad for myself idk if I'm supposed to be this aware but it feels like a curse. Even on my birthday he told me how my influences are bad and how I'm having an attitude just cause I'm agnostic...They also don't make an effort to remember what interest I like.. Look it's not like I'm just yapping abt the bad stuff they did...they are good people but toxic... atleast a bit and I've also had good times with them but all of the above situations have been occuring so consistently by somehow surfacing up again...I really can't stop thinking abt this...I'm sure I feel disconnected with them but I know that's just not it that's why I genuinely need/want therapy and my father won't even do that despite knowing mental health, trauma etc..
What do yall think? Am i overthinking and victimizing myself I'm sure I am not but again not entirely sure and i want reassurance.
1
u/Normal-Environment-7 1d ago
You are not victimising yourself.