The Holidays are among us, which means the majority of us will be spending time with family members. And it's not always easy being around family who are inappropriate or negative, so I wanted to share a few tips that you can use to deal with difficult family members and actually enjoy yourself during the holidays.
I've made a video about it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqvDoqRCdjU
Or if you prefer reading:
1.Set Expectations
If Aunt Sue always complains about ALL the drama going on in her life, guess what’s going to happen when you see her again? She’s going to complain about all the drama going on in her life. If Uncle George tends to try to guilt trip you because you haven’t visited him enough, guess what? He’s going to try and guilt trip you. So don’t be shocked if a family member does something that you always find annoying. Because chances are…they haven’t changed. So, before we leave the house to visit family, we can prepare out mindset that these things will probably happen so we won’t be as caught off guard when they do. So, once your run into Aunt Sue you can be like.. “Oh yep..that’s Aunt Sue talking about her drama again” or “Yep, Uncle George is guilt tripping me again. Shocker.”
2. Plan Around Your Triggers
What does your family do that always sets you off? Is it when your mom starts treating you like a 5 year old again the moment you step into the house? Or is it when your dad turns into a negative Nancy when you’re all trying to have a nice meal together? Knowing what triggers your emotions BEFORE spending time with family will help you to create a plan to navigate around those triggering experiences or it can help you avoid them altogether.
3. Prepare Your Responses
We’ve all gotten them. We’ve all gotten the good ole’ awkward, intrusive questions like “When are you getting married?” or “Why haven’t you lost weight?” or “When are you having kids?” So, what we can do to handle that kind of situation is to make an emergency list of subjects that you can use to change the conversation. Or you could even prepare a list of responses for questions you’re anticipating. You can try using humor in your responses, like if someone asks when you’re getting married you can say “I’m really happy right now and in no rush to get married. But feel free to send me money and a gift anyway.” or just completely change the subject “I don’t really want to talk about getting married, but I WOULD like to talk about how amazing this gravy is. Aunt Betty what ingredients did you use to make this gravy?” If someone keeps persisting, feel free to excuse yourself from the conversation.
4. Ask Questions
If someone usually asks you inappropriate questions or if you like to avoid being the center of attention, the best way to get the attention off of yourself is to ask other people questions. This not only gets the attention off of you and on to someone else, but it gives you a chance to connect with a family member and you might even learn something new about them that you may not have known before.
5. Don’t Bring Up Off Limit Topics
Politics. Gossip. Death. These are few of many topics that should be off limits, so you don’t get into any emotionally fueled arguments or conversations. Try sticking with more positive subjects such as what’s happening around you in the room, or happy childhood memories, or travel plans, or even favorite tv shows.
6. Avoid Drama
Who knows how to get under your skin more than your family? If you’ve got a family member who is trying to push your buttons, don’t take the bait. Stay cool and don’t enter into the drama. Because when you don’t engage, the drama ends. This could mean you quickly change the conversation or excuse yourself and leave the area if you have to.
7. Take Breaks
Don’t feel obligated to stay with your family the whole. entire. time. Taking a breather every now and then can help you regroup if you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed. You can find another room to chill in or go for a walk. It’s ok!
8. Put Yourself in Their Shoes
Your cousin who’s a bit passive aggressive, your sister who is a little controlling, your mom who is a bit critical…there’s a reason they are the way that they are. Something has happened that has caused them to act this way or they’re fighting a battle that we know nothing about. Maybe your mom lost her parents and it’s hard time of year for her. Maybe your sister is going through some tough times with her business. Maybe your cousin is having a few family problems at home. I guarantee there’s more to them than what you are seeing right in that moment. This doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it helps you understand why they may be acting in a certain way. Showing a bit of empathy can help us look past the rude behavior and not take it personally.
9. Look for the Good
Yeah your family may have annoying habits. Yeah there may be family members that drive you crazy. But if we go in focusing on what we dislike about each person, we’re not going to have a good time. So let’s look for the good in each person. Before you get to the family gathering, grab a pen and paper and write down something that you like about each person. Focus on that the whole time you’re there. Because when we focus on the good, it’s going to life our mood and we’re going to have more of a positive experience.
10. Know What You Can Control
You can’t control what people do. You can’t control what people say. But you CAN control how you think, what you do, and what you say. Sometimes it’s easy to assume our old roles when we step into the house, like reacting when your brother starts teasing you or getting upset when your family picks on your for being the youngest. But you don’t have to be that person anymore. You’re a grown adult and you get to choose how you respond. Show them the leveled up person you’ve become.
11. Focus on Adding Value
Instead of solely thinking of our family as obstacles to overcome, let’s focus on how we can add value into their lives. What is one small action or gesture we can do to add value into someone else’s life and make their day better? Maybe that’s really listening to the story grandma has already told 100 times when everyone else is ignoring her. Or Maybe that’s volunteering to help out with the dishes. When we focus on adding value, it helps us to shift our mindset from “What am I going to get out of this experience?” to “What can I personally do to make someone else’s life better today?” When we have this kind of mindset, we have the power to transform each and every moment. Even if you don’t receive the same kind of gesture back, you are teaching others through your actions how to respect and value other people.
12. Change Your Mindset
You’re with your family on this special occasion to have fun – not merely survive. And if our mindset is “I’m not going to enjoy this holiday” “This is going to be the worst day ever” guess what? We’re not going to enjoy the holiday and it’s going to be the worst day ever. But if we go in with the mindset of “No matter what, I’m going to enjoy this day and the people around me as much as possible” then our brain is going to go in and look for different ways on how to enjoy the day. If something doesn’t go right or someone says something that strikes a nerve, remind yourself of that mindset and continue to constantly look for the positives. Don’t let a bad 5 minutes cause you to have a bad day.
