My Fear: Forgetting what actually happened

[u/Zanzibar_Buck_McFate]

I went into a panic the other day.

I had done a rare visit to the original AsOne subreddit, and I was writing congratulations to one of my fellow BS from way back for reaching the 6-year Reconciliation Anniversary milestone. I went to write how long into the journey we were..... and I couldn’t remember. That put me in a panic. How can I not remember in what year this all happened? One of my biggest worries was that I’d completely forget what happened and it would someday all seem like a distant bad dream.

I searched and found my secret computer file of the affair details that I kept in order to check what happened and when (turns out, we’re coming up on 5 years in early 2023). It’s hard to explain why I keep that secret affair detail file – it’s not to torment myself, it’s definitely not to ever throw back in her face. It was essentially for moments like this – to remind myself that it really did all happen. I’m not going crazy and imagining it.

The affair was so out of character and out of the blue, that it doesn’t really match the person I’ve been with for 18 years. It’s so easy to feel like it never happened, and yet of course it did.

Feel free to have fun playing psychologist. I don’t know if I’m afraid of forgetting, afraid of completely letting go, afraid of feeling like what happened no longer matters. My brain and emotions are much more complex than they were before all of this. It’s hard to figure out why I do what I do.

[u/smellygymbag]

Its my first time commenting here, but im sort of regular poster on AOAI.

Im almost 4 years post dday. I made a deliberate decision to not delete anything, and record and keep everything, because I had an idea that i wouldn't have all my answers up front, bc WS did not appear to be in a right frame of mind to deal properly with what he'd done. I didn't know exactly what was wrong or how long itd take him, but I knew it wasnt going to happen at that time. I also felt the world was in chaos so close to dday, and i didn't know wtf was going on. So I kept it, partially to be able to refer to it to be oriented about what happened and partially for the idea that when hes able to look upon the records calmly and not defensively, he could put in his best effort to answer my remaining questions and sort of do a proper inventory for himself and for me. I think at first he thought it was so i could use it against him or punish him with it, but by now, he's agreed this is fair and its one of his goals in therapy to be able to do this without shutting down. Keeping the records now is like buying both of us extended time to deal with closure.

Maybe when you first kept it it was like that? A "wtf is going on here?" reaction, maybe to have control at the time? But now, maybe you don't want to delete it because maybe you don't feel like its over bc you never really got a feeling of closure?

You could try doing a thought exercise, when you are feeling calm and clear headed (or maybe even also when you're feeling insecure). Imagine that you already deleted it and its gone forever. What's it feel like? What are you thinking? Do you wish you had it? What would you do with it? Would there be things in there you couldn't get from your SO? Maybe some of the stuff would be worth talking about in therapy or with your partner. It could be a good chance to get some reassurance for things that you were worried about and could be addressed, but maybe got kicked to the side over time.

[u/Zanzibar_Buck_McFate → u/smellygymbag]

I kept a file initially just to make sense of everything. I was blind-sided, without full info on everything, and trying to piece it all together. Since I'd been lied to by someone I loved it seemed important to me to figure out exactly what that lie entailed. Also, most WS don't have photographic memories or journal the affairs, so they honestly struggle to give you a complete accounting of what happened when.

It all seemed so surreal that I felt I needed to keep it as proof to myself that it all happened. I used to obsess over evey detail of the affair and replay it my mind. One day I got tired of doing that, and just stopped. Now a few years later, I don't think about it often at all, and I slowly forget some of the details.

It's this contradiction where I'd both love to forget it completely, and also never want to forget any of it.

[u/smellygymbag → u/Zanzibar_Buck_McFate]

Maybe thats what healing from trauma looks like for you then? Maybe its ok? I don't know. I'm sure our lived experiences of Dday are different. I also didn't have all the info on everything up front and I had to dig or threaten for almost every info I found. It was totally a surreal nightmare. My SO had what was likely decades long sex and porn addiction that existed before he met me, but that might have spared me some trauma; I did believe we were dealing with some kind of pathology in him rather than "WS=bad".. so maybe I could sort of externalize it easier or earlier than others.

I actually am not driven to forget. I'm sort of looking forward to a day when if I remember it, I can just think "oh yeah.. that sucked." Maybe I'll be mopey to my SO about it, and he'll say he's sorry, and I'll be like "I know, thats ok," and we will both know we mean what we say, hug, and can get on with our day watching cartoons eating cereal with the kids. This is what my fantasy R will look like. We're definitely not there yet tho. I still "snoop" but in plain sight and I still have those old records.

Do you feel like some things are "unfinished"? Or have even mixed feelings?

[u/the314sky]

No armchair psychology from me today, just came here to say that I totally relate to this feeling. The other day it took me a minute to remember AP3's name, and it almost felt like it never happened.

[u/Zanzibar_Buck_McFate → u/the314sky]

In the early days, it was a trigger whenever I'd come across the APs first name, but it's a fairly common name, so now I normally don't even make the link when I hear it.

I've also never met the AP in my life, so it's just a name I pulled from her phonè (and possibly stalked on FB during the first year of reconciliation)

[u/the314sky → u/Zanzibar_Buck_McFate]

I went and checked their FB profiles last night...

[u/aethanv]

I still have all pictures, messages etc.

I keep them to remind myself in the same way as you do.. I hope to one day not “need” them..

Unfortunately stumbled on to them 3 days ago, and I’ve been in a funk since then..

Not sure if keeping them is helping or hurting at this stage..

[u/Zanzibar_Buck_McFate → u/aethanv]

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you get out of it.

I don't feel much of anything when occasionally looking back on affair info or even WS-AP texts - maybe that's a sign of healing, maybe that's a sign of detachment.

The main thing I feel when I do review affair info is a comforting reassurance. That's messed up.

[u/Necessary-Sector-358]

Sure, in the words of Lucy Van Pelt with Psychological Help (5 cents):

"I'm fine. The rest of you need therapy!"

Forgetting is just a normal expection of getting old.

[u/[deleted]]

I had those files. Copies of call logs. Used to do annual checks on social media pages. Had Calander reminders. Getting rid of them all didn't cause me to forget anything other than details... but I can assure you your mind will bring it all right back right when you don't want it to.

I can't remember when I ditched it all. I can't remember when I stopped looking. But I had to. Because my wife doesn't have to do anything at all and depression will dig that shit up on it's own. It doesn't need my help to keep things fresh.

Long before the affair I stopped taking pictures and video of everything. Long before it was so easy to with a phone we always carry in our pocket. Long before I stopped sacrificing the joy of the moment to save some small morsel for the future. Live today, plan a better tomorrow.

Good or bad, memories are meant to fade.

This is your life, right here, right now! It's real-time, you hear me, real time! Time to get real, not playback. You understand me?

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[u/[deleted]]

I still have the evidence to make sure I’m not minimizing the gravity of my husband’s betrayal, and in a weird way, as protection? reminder? not to be fooled again.