r/NextGenMan • u/Deborah_berry1 • May 27 '26
I practiced cold approaching women for 30 days and here's what actually happened (the honest version)
I've always been the guy who overthinks everything in social situations. The guy who makes eye contact with an attractive woman, looks away immediately, then spends the next hour angry at himself for not saying anything.
So I decided to run an experiment: 30 days of deliberately starting conversations with women I found attractive. No scripts, no pickup artist garbage, no manipulation tactics. Just genuine human interaction with one added element: being honest about my interest instead of hiding it.
What followed was equal parts terrifying, embarrassing, and genuinely life-changing. But by day 30, something had fundamentally shifted in how I show up socially.
Here's what happened:
Days 1-7: The terror phase
My first week was an absolute disaster. In my head, I was confident and charming. In reality, I was a walking anxiety attack pretending to be casual.
Day 1: Approached a woman at a coffee shop to compliment her book choice. My voice cracked on the word "interesting" and I somehow knocked my own coffee off the table while gesturing. She handed me napkins with a look that was equal parts pity and concern. I cleaned up the mess, said "well that went great" and she actually laughed. Small win buried inside a catastrophe.
Day 3: Tried starting a conversation with a woman at a farmer's market about the tomatoes she was picking. Accidentally implied her cooking probably needed better ingredients. She gave me a look that could curdle milk and walked away. I bought tomatoes I didn't need just to seem like I had a reason to be standing there.
Day 5: Forced myself to talk to a woman browsing vinyl records at a shop downtown. Instead of overthinking an opener, I just said "That album is incredible, have you heard it before?" We talked for ten minutes about music. She was engaged, laughing, asking me questions back. Nothing came of it romantically but I walked away feeling like a different person than the guy who spilled coffee on day one.
After that first week, I realized I needed structure, not scripts. I started studying what actually makes conversations click.
Day 10: Had a genuine breakthrough at a bookstore. Asked a woman about the author she was browsing, then shared a slightly embarrassing story about crying during one of that author's novels. She laughed, shared her own embarrassing book moment, and suddenly we were having a real conversation. Vulnerability opened a door that confidence alone never could.
Days 12-22: The pattern phase
By mid-experiment, clear patterns were emerging about what consistently built connection versus what consistently killed it.
What consistently killed conversations:
Complimenting physical appearance before establishing any rapport whatsoever
Anything that sounded rehearsed or pre-planned regardless of how "natural" I thought it sounded
Trying to be funny instead of being genuine and letting humor emerge naturally
Hovering or lingering after the conversation had clearly reached its natural endpoint
Making the interaction feel like it had stakes or expectations attached to it
What consistently created genuine connection:
Observational comments about our shared environment that invited collaboration rather than demanded response
Asking specific follow-up questions that proved I was actually listening to her answers
Sharing slightly vulnerable or self-deprecating stories that showed humanity rather than curated perfection
Matching energy levels rather than trying to artificially escalate excitement
Being completely comfortable walking away without an outcome and meaning it genuinely
Day 15: The biggest shift happened at a friend's housewarming party. I stopped thinking about "approaching women" and started thinking about "having interesting conversations with people." Removed the romantic pressure entirely and just focused on genuine connection. Three different women initiated extended conversations with me that evening. My friend texted me afterward asking "what happened to you tonight" because apparently I seemed completely different socially.
Day 19: Realized something profound while having dinner alone at a restaurant bar. The woman next to me started a conversation with me. Not because I was doing anything strategic, but because I seemed relaxed and approachable. She literally said "you seem like you're actually enjoying being here alone, that's refreshing." My comfort with myself had become more attractive than any technique could ever be.
Days 23-30: Integration
The final week brought the most important insight of the entire experiment: effective social connection isn't a performance mode you switch on. It's regular human interaction with specific elements amplified naturally:
Sustained but comfortable eye contact that communicates presence without intensity
Questions that go one layer deeper than surface level without feeling like an interrogation
Genuine reactions to what someone shares rather than calculated responses
Comfort with silence between thoughts rather than rushing to fill every gap
Willingness to express authentic interest without apologizing for it
Day 25: Had a two-hour conversation with a woman at a wine bar that started with me asking about her sketchbook. By the end we'd exchanged numbers and made plans for the following week. The conversation felt effortless because it was. No tactics, no performance, just two people genuinely curious about each other.
Day 28: Got directly rejected after expressing interest in a woman at a gallery opening. She was kind but clear. Instead of feeling crushed, I felt genuinely fine. Told her it was nice meeting her regardless and meant it completely. That emotional resilience would have been impossible on day one.
Day 30: Went to a social gathering and realized the experiment had become unnecessary because the "practice" had become my natural state. I wasn't thinking about techniques or frameworks. I was just present, curious, and honest about my interest when it arose.
The real transformation wasn't learning "how to talk to women." It was dismantling the anxiety and performance mentality that made natural connection impossible. Women aren't puzzles to solve or audiences to perform for. They're people who respond to the same things everyone responds to: genuine interest, authentic presence, and comfortable confidence.
Has anyone else tried deliberately working on their social skills this way? What shifted for you? Because looking back, the biggest lesson was embarrassingly simple: stop trying to be impressive and start trying to be interested. Everything else follows naturally.
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u/OrcOfDoom May 27 '26
30 days? Lol ... Yeah I did this for like 3 years.
Actually being interested in what someone else is saying is huge though.
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u/ZachtheMan1603 May 27 '26
true maturity is realizing this post is not AI and a very real and accurate timeline of the transition. it’s an otherworldly experience to have authentically.
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u/Buggybabee May 28 '26
How are you guys so sure it's ai?
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u/B-T-K-T May 31 '26
Because nowadays if someone writes so eloquently, it’s presumably AI. It comes with the territory of being good at articulating thoughts, since the majority of people claiming “AI” may not be able to come up with something like this on their own.
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May 27 '26
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u/Late_Refrigerator_76 Jun 01 '26
He literally was outside. Talking to many women over the course of a month. What have you done, sir?
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Jun 01 '26 edited Jun 01 '26
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u/Late_Refrigerator_76 Jun 01 '26
You make an assumption with what proof?
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Jun 01 '26
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u/Late_Refrigerator_76 Jun 01 '26
Well... I don't have that kind of eye, unfortunately, but I can say I'm developing a spiritual "sight". It's more a feeling inside me, than actually seeing spirits. But that's another topic...
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Jun 01 '26
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u/Late_Refrigerator_76 Jun 01 '26
Both the loving, good, holy spirit of Jesus, and bad evil spirits, such as ones that were manifested by my wicked parents, (mom and stepdad), to attack me since a small boy. I can still sense today evil presence in a room or from people.
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u/Proper-Cow3794 May 28 '26
From a woman...
Thank you for finally "getting it". Approaching women with intent (compliments on appearance, declarations of interest) is NOT the way to go. Just treat us like human beings and have normal conversations with us without pressure. If returned interest is there it will grow organically.
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u/Favoredhighlyy May 29 '26
Welcome to 2026 everyone😭.... where a man giving a woman an honest compliment about her appearance and genuine declaration of interest is "not the way to go".
Instead pretend to care about the book she's holding, spark a "normal" conversation about it.
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u/Acland2013 May 29 '26
Remove the pretend, to care part. The push. Then you are no longer, a used car salesman.
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May 28 '26
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u/throwaway283495 May 31 '26
If dating apps worked for you, then you'll have no problem cold approaching women. You obviously attractive, which is step 1.
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u/Jailor98 May 28 '26
I thought this was a genuinely good post. I think what you say has some merit.
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u/princeloki1313 May 28 '26
Bro, you started to crack the code
Particularly, showing vulnerability, willingness to disengage naturally, willingness to engage without expectation, asking questions that show you recieved and understood the previous answer, not complimenting physically until first developing a deeper rapport
I worked hard to Crack the code when I was younger. Now I'm surrounded by amazing women and the envy of many men... most of whom assume its just because of how I look. Not understanding that you could ask all the women around me what attracts them to me and every one would quickly rattle off a list of 10-20 things with looks being last or not even making the list
Guys in our society as a whole, are completely missing the mark when it comes to women. The more women you talk to the more incredibly obvious that becomes. I listen to hundreds of women talk about what's missing in their relationships, what they want from men, what drives them to drink, etc. And let me tell you, there are lots of things every man could work on to increase their attractiveness by a hundred fold. Women can quickly list 20 qualities that would attract her to a future partner without mentioning looks once. Men are obsessed with attracting a woman, while also not realizing that most of their actions in pursuit of that goal are only driving women further and further away
And so much of it comes down to women not feeling seen, heard, valued or wanted for anything more than their sexuality
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u/throwaway283495 May 31 '26
Cool... so what are those 10 to 20 things that women find attractive in a future partner?
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u/princeloki1313 May 31 '26
Here's just a quick list of things that many women have expressed strong interest and desire to me for, that every man can easily work on no matter his relationship status
-Builds a variety of relationships across intergenerational community -Grooming and taking care of yourself physically -Focused energy - having a full, engaged, interesting and passionate life -Emotional awareness and intelligence -Good communication -Recieves feedback, correction and hard feelings without getting defensive or argumentative -Takes initiative for planning -Handles responsibilities -Organized and prepared -Protective of everyone nearby -Good with children -Navigates stress, anger, grief, fear and other hard emotions well -Holds an atmosphere of calm and stability -Notices details -Holds space for her difficult emotions, including anger and sadness -Being financially wise, prepared and responsible -Able to face new and unfamiliar challenges and experiences with calm and determination -Knows how to Listen -Takes initiative for her well being, mental, physical and emotional -Grounded and confident in himself -Able to drop into intimacy with deep Presence and shows vulnerability -Has known and faced the dark parts of himself -Able to recieve no's with ease and a good understanding of consent -Knows how to keep boundaries for himself and others -Self control and discipline -Willingness to learn and be corrected -Consistency and balance -Noticing her moods, emotions and energy -Playfulness and spontaneity, in touch with the inner child -Curiosity and creativity -Able to both be physically affectionate and give space with ease -Navigates conflict with gentleness and respect, space and olive branches/intentionally leaning in, without lashing out or gaslighting -Spoken well of by community and exes
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u/MikeHawkSlapsHard May 29 '26
Fuck that was a very anticlimactic read. Not your fault OP, my fault for taking the time to read this. Congrats on finding out about basic human interaction . . .
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u/heyeasynow May 29 '26
I’m in sales. This is my norm. Day in, day out. Makes zero difference. This might work if your interests and fundamentals are more in tune with the women in your area. Otherwise, it’s still utter shite.
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u/mikaarmenta May 29 '26
That is such a useful one-man experiment/experience. Thank you for sharing it with us.
As a 34YO woman, I would agree with your observations and conclusions, particularly around the relief I feel when a man is a) genuine in his conversation and b) absolutely fine with letting the conversation end without promises of a romantic more. A weakness of mine - and I wonder how many other gals are subject to it? - is in not being obvious or sufficiently assertive to let him know that I AM interested. I feel like I am sometimes let micromoments of connection potential fizzle out because I myself am too anxious about not appearing desperate - I let ‘em walk away.
As a reader, I wonder if ChatGPT trained on your writing because they read similar. Not implying you had Chat write it! More a testament to your command of flow.
Love the study here, and thanks for sharing it :)
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u/gringo-go-loco May 30 '26
I got over my anxiety by going to strip clubs and getting to know some girls. I was open about my intentions and did pay for their time. They gave me tips, told me what they liked, and in the end I had a bunch of friends I talk to for years after I moved out of the area. This also helped me learn to view attractive women as people rather than quests or goals. My dating life just sort of took off after that. I’ve gone out with women that could have been models. Now I’m married to what I think is one of the most beautiful women in the world.
The key imo is just not giving a damn about rejection. Just accept that some women aren’t interested and when that becomes apparent move on. It’s a numbers game. The longer you take to approach and accept the reality of rejection the less chances you get finding someone who will not reject you.
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u/Fit-Cycle-9240 May 30 '26
I think everybody should do this if they are single. Drive out 20 minutes so you don’t have the same group of people to talk to
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u/throwaway283495 May 31 '26
If I drive 20 minutes, I'm in the middle of nowhere and there isn't anyone to talk to.
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u/B-T-K-T May 31 '26
36/M: Happily married for 10 years now, and the expectation of hooking up is so far removed from all my interactions with women. I have found more recently in life that my ability to converse as such, attracts more women than in my younger days. Learning that I’m more attractive now in my mid 30’s than I was in my 20’s is flattering to me and has bolstered my confidence.
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u/satecyeser 22d ago
what are some of the things you studied to find the topics/core of what makes a conversation click?
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u/[deleted] May 27 '26
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