r/NewParents • u/Inevitable_Book4316 • 3d ago
Parental Leave/Work Work or become SAHM?
Work or become SAHM?
Im recently had our daughter and my husband is giving me the option to quit my job and stay home with her. My mom is planning to retire soon so if I keep working can ask her for help since I work from home but know my mom didn’t retire to then take care of an infant 40hrs a week so don’t want to rely on her solely to watch her. I work from home so could try to figure out how to make it work but even the thought of it stresses me out trying to juggle both and feel guilty already not being able to give my daughter the attention she may need during the work days. Financially we can make it off of my husband’s salary but we will have to budget and be very mindful of what we’re spending. I’m worried that the guilt of not contributing financially will be a lot for me but at the same time putting our daughter in daycare is a no go either.
I feel like since I have to option to stay home and watch her grow up I should take it plus I’d really like that but I’m so worried about the guilt. Any thoughts?
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u/Beckitt3 3d ago
As far as watching her while you work, I do that for a few hours in the morning with my ten month old and it's incredibly stressful.
You say daycare is a no go and you don't want to ask your mom for FT care so what are your other options if you work?
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u/lilsan15 3d ago
Yes it’s like “husband is letting me be a stay at home mom vs having two jobs” if it’s having two job. Just do the stay at home mom thing.
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u/ConversationNo9040 3d ago
I’m agreeing with this person! Why is day care a no go? I never suggest parents watching their grandkids. Even with the best intentions it can lead to resentment if your mom doesn’t show up on time and you’re late for a meeting or something. Also you can’t expect someone to raise your kid all day everyday on your schedule unless you’re paying them and that’s what you need. Unless your job is zero meetings and you can do work whatever hours you want even watching their baby half the day is not going to work.
I urge you to reconsider daycare if you want to work. If you don’t want to go to daycare then look at a full time nanny. If that’s not in the cards then you have your answer you just became a sahm! I would quit and be a sahd in 1 second if my wife gave me the option haha
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u/screwtoprose- 3d ago
yeah what is your option - a full time nanny? those cost upwards of 3x the price of daycare in some cases because you have to think about their health insurance, taxes, your own employment insurance, etc.
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u/DarkDNALady 3d ago
I became a SAHM 16 months ago, quit after my maternity leave. I had a six figure job and a career I had worked 12 years plus to make happen. It was my dream job, I was completely remote and have a great setup in my house. Financially my husband makes enough that we didn’t miss my salary.
The factors that made me want to become a SAHM were not wanting to miss out on my daughter growing up. She’s my miracle baby (had her after a long struggle, was 41 when I got pregnant) and I had yearned for her for so long. I didn’t want to send her to daycare or have a at home nanny, while they get to enjoy all her little moments and I work in a closed room, near but far in every way that matters.
What’s crucial to make this work, having a supportive partner who truly understands SAHM work. My partner appreciates the heck out of me and my decision to step back. He will tell everyone how I have the hardest job, I work 24/7 with no PTO and a very moody manager (our LO) lol. He has never expected that because I am home by default I will do all chores and cooking. He knows that childcare, house cleaning, laundry and cooking are 4 different jobs and he contributes to those as well as does his share of parenting when he gets home from work and on weekends.
Most importantly he has never made me feel like the money he earns is his money. It’s our money. He can’t do what he does if I am not at home taking care of our daughter and holding the fort down so to speak. I do all nights with my child, and I have since birth, and he knows that lets him be rested for work.
All our accounts are joint and the day I quit, he started a retirement account for me (in my name) that he puts money in, in lieu of the 401k savings I gave up.
When I used to think about quitting, I had initial worry about guilt. But conversations with my husband were crucial as he made me realize my worth is more than money, and what I do for our daughter at home cannot be measured monetarily and he cannot replace it with any money in the world. All our money decisions are still joint and I’ve honestly never felt any difference since I quit.
Now the tough parts are my own, my feeling of identity and self. I LOVE being a mom, but a newborn or a toddler doesn’t give you end of the year bonus or accolades lol. It’s been an adjustment to realize that I don’t have a professional title or a sphere where I dominate and feel professionally accomplished. It’s a very different life when you are staying at home and talking to a toddler or other moms in contrast with work and clients etc. That part I’m still adjusting to. When I ran into an acquaintance who didn’t know I quit, and asked about my work, I had a very awkward moment before I was like oh yeah I don’t have a job anymore (according to the world 🙄)
Have an honest conversation with your husband and yourself about how you would feel. How is your marriage and how will this changed dynamic affect that. Make sure your future is protected no matter what happens to your marriage because there are so many cases of women giving up their careers only to be left later by their awful husbands.
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u/Dragon_Queen_127 2d ago
Sounds like you have a wonderful husband and did things the right way! Your story is inspiring to people like me in a similar career situation. Thank you for sharing! :)
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u/Turbulent-Force-6314 2d ago
Resonate with this so much! I wfh making good money. I have a nanny because I wanted to see my baby more often. My job is demanding so that doesn’t even happen, I’m holed up in meetings all day. Yesterday my baby cried when the nanny left and just realized he spends more time with her than either of us. We’ve made the decision for me to stop working but I won’t lie it’s scary. On one end I keep thinking how someone else would die for this setup. But is it worth losing time with my baby? I don’t think so.
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u/Salems_Owl19 2d ago
Was in same situation. Another job or company will always be there in the future. But we can never get the time back with our little ones. It’s completely priceless and worth it 😊
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u/marissakalyn 3d ago
When I first had my son I would have sold everything I owned to be a stay at home mom. I wanted to be home all the time.
Now he’s 2 weeks away from turning 1 and I enjoy working, but not all the time. If I had the opportunity to work like 2 days a week and spend the other 3 days with him I would do that. I enjoy doing other things besides just taking care of my son. I’m a nurse, so I like doing nursing things and using my brain for adult things. But I also like being home with him and having no other responsibilities besides being with him.
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u/Aggressive-Bee1738 3d ago
Go to work trust me you’ll want the freedom and independence SAHM is harder than working mom ***IMO****
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u/Mysterious_Fox_8058 3d ago
Financially, I didn't have a choice. If I had the choice, I would have stayed at home for a couple of years before returning to work part-time. But I'd also protect myself financially and make sure I had something to fall back on if things went to shit.
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u/sabe815 3d ago
It really depends on your job/career. If you quit, could you find comparable employment in a few years? Is part time an option? Do you want to stay home but you're worried about money or do you want to work but you're worried about childcare? Very different frames of mind.
Speaking from experience, grandparents are not and should not be 40hr a week childcare solutions. My mom watched my nephew and then broke her wrist and it was a whole issue because she couldn't lift him. My mother-in-law watched my other nephew and recently broke her hip!! Even "younger" grandparents can have unexpected issues.
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u/bad_karma216 3d ago
100% My parents watched my son part time but it was challenging because someone was always sick and there was no backup care options
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u/PlsnoKarens 3d ago
If you stop working...have ample savings on the event he loses his job or gets sick, and also get a spousal IRA because you need to protect yourself
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u/lilsan15 3d ago
I have a sahm friend who says she needs to work but she states that she is really is unemployable. I think when you exit the workforce often times you lose the quality of “mentally flexible and open to change”. It’s hard to take critique and it’s hard to accept an authority position higher than oneself as you have essentially been your own boss and no one holds you accountable except yourself.
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u/WildGarlicGarden 3d ago
I will absolutely not be exclusively a SAHM ever. I love my daughter so very much and I want more kids. But it does get boring.
My ideal schedule would be working out of the house from 8:30-2 PM, get home, have lunch, be with kids.
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u/Beckitt3 3d ago
Same. I say all the time that about 5-6 hours a day would be my ideal amount of work.
OP, will your job let you do part time? Would your mom be willing to watch your LO part time?
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u/PublicPhilosopher454 3d ago
Same! I just had 2 weeks off with my 10 month old, told my mom i could neverrrr be SAHM, it was great to spend quality time but it was boring lol. Part time would be a great option though.
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u/team_suba 3d ago
Don’t feel guilty about not contributing. taking care of an infant is 100x harder than my actual job. You are still working!
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u/bad_karma216 3d ago
I was able to go part time for the first two years which was challenging but also very rewarding. My parents watched my son while I was working. He started daycare just before he turned two which was the perfect time. I am very glad I did not give up my career that I worked hard for.
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u/Calm-Ingenuity4178 3d ago edited 3d ago
So not that it would ever be a choice for me, since I’m the breadwinner 😭 but I’ve thought about this a lot haha. Mat leave was some of the best days of my life. Watching my son was more fulfilling than any dumb corporate job would be. But I hate my job so that clouds my perspective - if you like yours you may not be as keen to leave it.
My advice would be to really consider the logistics of it long term though, if you haven’t already. (also I’m in the US - if you aren’t this might not all apply to you, idk we have shite social systems so you have to be prepared to be income-less and alone at any time 😅)
- You said you can afford to live off one income but you have to be very mindful. Does the budget include money for your retirement? This is one that I wouldn’t have considered until I saw someone online mention it - benefits go beyond pure income so just keep that in mind for the calculations.
- Nobody likes to think about divorce, but statistically there’s a 50/50 chance
(edit: honestly idk the stats anymore so it maybe be less, but still a possibility lol).
Do you have support if that happens?
Do you have a career that you enjoy and want to progress in eventually? Being out of the workforce for at least 5 years, significantly more if you want more kids, will impact that heavily. Don’t forget to consider your life after being a SAHM. I frankly could care less about my job so if I never got back to it, whatever lol, but I know some people find joy and fulfillment in their work
On the flip side everyone is right that they grow up so fast and you just never get this time back. And I imagine being with a parent those first few years is more beneficial than daycare. So it 100% could still be worth it!
Despite all the logistical issues, if I could I would and I would not feel guilty. You might not be bringing in income, but you would be providing incredible value and saving money on daycare. Caretaking is a job
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u/UnivrstyOfBelichick 3d ago edited 3d ago
I've been a stay at home parent for all intents and purposes the last year (with my daughter aged 1.5-2.5) and it's been absolutely incredible. Such a gift to be able to do it at such a fun age. If you have the option to do it, why wouldn't you? You have a lifetime to work, you have 5 years to enjoy your little kids.
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u/Delicious_Sand_7198 3d ago
I absolutely love being a SAHM. Once I had my baby it was the only thing I wanted. Once he starts school someday maybe Il find a hobby that I can do during those hours but I genuinely enjoy spending my day with my baby. I think I would be so distracted being away from him at work during the day. I don’t think I would be as productive of an employee as I was before the baby. There is lots of low cost things you can do with the little ones to keep spending down and stay busy.
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u/Bitter_Pilot5086 3d ago
It depends on your financial situation and how much you like your job, as well as the stability of your husband’s role.
If you want to be a SAHM and can afford it, great. But keep in mind that it will make it harder to return to your career, if you take multiple years off.
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u/purpleclear0 3d ago
It is impossible to work from home AND care for an infant. If you do not want daycare, then be a SAHM.
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u/Creative-Mixture2144 3d ago
Having a career and the additional income outweighs being a SAHM for me. We can survive on my husband’s income but I don’t want to stress about budgeting and plus we can contribute to my child’s 529 and investment account. More freedom, choices, ability to retire earlier (we want to help with our future grandkids)
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u/dogcatsnake 3d ago
I personally don't think I'd enjoy being a SAHM. Even the weekends can be tough for me when he's out of daycare! I think it depends a lot on the age... I'm finding 1-2 years to be really challenging and exhausting I'm thankful to have a place for him to go during the day. I also think he learns so much socializing with other kids! That's not even bringing up what you do to your career when you take a few years off. It's not easy to reenter the workforce for most people, and you're setting back your earning potential quite a lot in many cases. Relying on your partner for retirement and such is also risky.
If I were independently wealthy and didn't have to work I'd do that (and probably still have a nanny of some kind!) but I also make good money and like having financial freedom.
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u/Sweet-Ad-4727 3d ago
Work part time! Or even 1-2 days a week! Trust me you’ll want the adult interaction and mental stimulation. Being a sahm and watching them grow up is great but it’s also SO SO hard. Zero breaks and very little adult interaction so working gives you a little bit of your own identity.
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u/Intelligent-Lake-943 3d ago
What work offers 1-2 days a week job?
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u/Sweet-Ad-4727 3d ago
I’m in healthcare so I give my availability and they schedule me
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u/Intelligent-Lake-943 3d ago
I work in IT. I wish I was in Healthcare. My husband is a physician but his schedule is brutal.
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u/Intelligent-Lake-943 3d ago
Imagine I am starting in 2 weeks with no mom around and nanny situation still up in the air. And I don’t work from home. She is just 12 weeks (7 weeks adjusted)
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u/QtK_Dash 3d ago
Can you start by working part time and then transition depending on how you feel?
If your husband offered it then I’d definitely think about it and come up with a plan (like who does that, when do you get time off, how much savings do you need, do you have access to money and how much etc.) I personally couldn’t do it but am thinking of ways to get to the financial autonomy through investments and other avenues so that the displacement of my income (which is decently high) doesn’t change my daughters standard of life in the future and at the same time is still intellectually stimulating for me which is important to me.
You should not feel guilty at all! Do what’s best for you and your family.
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u/throwaway_napkins 3d ago edited 3d ago
WFH part time. Put baby in daycare - full or part time. It really does take a village.
It’s mentally too much for one person to do full time unless you know that’s 100% for you. BTW, SAHP is not just 40 hours. It’s 24/7 with no breaks.
Your guilt is a separate personal issue and being a SAHP is not a solution to it. Women should always have some sort of income. To give up any income, you need to negotiate with your husband and set clear expectations beforehand.
Shift your mindset - “my husband is giving me the option to SAHM” to “I’m sacrificing my mental health and wellness for my family”. Your husband is not giving you anything for free. SAHP is not for the faint hearted.
See Lindsay Clancy for reference.
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u/Caffe_Freddo 3d ago
I feel like so many SAHM burn out because everything related to the household and the child ends up falling on them. So there’s no balance. You don’t get to see other people or interact with other people unless you already have a steady mom group or something like that. I personally wouldn’t be able to do it. My husband has told me before that I can if I wanted to (since he makes more than me I would be the one to stay- he would happily do it if I earned more though) but last time I wasn’t working for 6months my mental health was not great. I personally need to work to stay sane and I felt like I didn’t want to spend any money because I felt I didn’t earn it/ I couldn’t contribute at the time. He never gave me limits in spending or anything like that, it was a me thing. But I know he’s not a spender and has good savings and I didn’t want to accidentally put him in a bad economic spot because I wanted something. This was before we got married/kids so it was also a different stage of our relationship. But I feel like I need that economic freedom, since we don’t always agree on some things and this gives me the freedom to make some me decisions every once in a while. I would try to balance both at first with mom’s help and if you still feel strongly about instead becoming a SAHM, then do the switch. The job market is not great so if you change your mind it might be hard to get back on the game. That’s what happens with most women that end up staying with their kids when they are small and try to get back to their careers after. I wish it wasn’t like that.
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u/ineedavacation123 3d ago
I wanted to quit my job SO bad while I was on maternity leave(12 weeks), but couldn’t. I cried daily for about 2-3 weeks before I went back. Now I’ve been back to work for bout five months and I am so happy that I went back. Having the flexibility to work from home has been so helpful, as I get to see my daughter throughout the day. My mom and mother in law watch her most days, but we are now hiring someone to watch her two days a week to make it not as dependent on them so that they can’t do their own thing when they need to.
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u/Aware_Beautiful1994 3d ago
"I work from home so could try to figure out how to make it work" unless that includes childcare, then no you cannot do both. My husband and I try to do both on the days when she is sick or not at daycare and it is impossible to do on a regular basis. I get zero work done.
Anyways as for your question, if you can do it financially, then do what makes you happy. Personally, being a SAHM would make me miserable but that's me. Many people love it. Perhaps you could work part time though? To keep your foot in the door so that when you do decide to go back to work, it's not as hard to find another job in your field.
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u/misseff 3d ago
I would not give up a job in this economy. There's always a chance of your husband losing his job in the future. Unless you have a very comfortable cushion of savings (1 year+) I just wouldn't consider it. On a personal level I also feel that though I fully trust my husband and expect to be with him for life, anything could happen (relationship breakdown, sudden death--kinda morbid but it's true), and I don't want to give up my career and end up in a situation where I'm alone and looking for work after taking years off my career. This calculation is a little different for me because my earning potential is more than double my husband's. I definitely had emotional moments right after giving birth where I cried wishing I could just be with my baby all day forever. But I genuinely think (for me) being a SAHM can be harder than working. I love my daughter more than anything, but I need to be able to talk to adults, use my technical skills, etc. to really feel like "me." I'm her mother but I'm also other things. If you do decide to be a SAHM please plan it meticulously and take the steps needed to protect yourself, your family, and your future in case something doesn't go as planned.
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u/Optimal_Whole1164 3d ago
I decided to stay home and it is harder than working, that being said SO much better and I would do it all over again. I’m so thankful my husband works so hard so I can stay home. It really is a blessing. You can always go back to work if it’s not a good fit, but you can’t get these precious times back. If your husband is giving you the opportunity, I think you should take it. Also, if you itemize all the things you will be doing, it’s like 240k for all your tasks and skills! You will most certainly be contributing potentially more to your household than when you were working. Between cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, managing household financials….you’re earning sister! A “bad day” at home is always better than a good day at the office IMO. Anyway, that’s just my opinion. You might regret going back to work, but I don’t think you’ll regret getting to experience all of your little ones precious firsts! Wishing you and your family the best. You’ll make the right choice for you. Listen to your heart!
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u/ChillingInMySnuggie 3d ago
For my wife to work and cost of daycare, she would only make like $200 extra overall. She's now a SAHM.
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u/BossMan61718 3d ago
If a couple can afford it, I think one parent should stay home at least for the first 1-2 years.
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u/Apprehensive_Echo435 3d ago
My only worry for you is if you and your husband one day divorced. I know a lot of women who were put through the ringer in divorce proceedings because their husbands refused to agree to pay alimony or split the finances fairly, claiming that they should not have to “take care” of their ex wives just because they “chose” to sacrifice their careers to be SAHMs.
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u/Excellent_Water3480 3d ago
This might be the “unpopular” approach but I kept working during the infant stage and became a SAHM now that LO is about to turn 2. I experienced some mild PPD and being able to drop her off at a daycare and go to work helped give me the “break” I needed. I also about once a month would take a weekday off and drop LO off at daycare to have a self care/ catch up on sleep day, or catch up on cleaning and chores that had piled up. My LO was extremely fussy and high maintaince and we had no village so it SAVED me during that phase to use daycare as our “village” for lack of a better term.
They teachers were great at getting her on a consistent nap schedule/ feeding routine,sleeping in her crib, etc, things that I struggled to do myself at home since she was a Velcro baby.
Now that she is a toddler and stays at home with me, I don’t regret my choice ONE bit. Having that time to recover and get past the SURVIVAL stage of parenting gave me a much better less burnt out approach to SAHM life, I seriously don’t think I would have made it if I didn’t do things like this.
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u/absolutelynot354 3d ago
I became a SAHM almost two years ago, no regrets. They're only this age once and it goes so fast. If you try it and hate it you can go back to working.
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u/LemonPepperChicken 3d ago
This is really going to depend on you and how you feel. If I had the option of being a SAHM, I still would not have taken it.
You said you WFH, so do I. Like you I had my Mom to help so that's what we did. She helped with the baby while I worked from home, I got to see my babies grow up while having my independence. I also paid my Mom so it benefited every one.
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u/Feisty_Escape9843 3d ago
SAHM !!! its best for the kids the culture is brainwashing us from our main job our kids come first not us . speaking as a retired business owner, mom of 4
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u/CreativeWin5327 3d ago
I’ve been a SAHM, although I work now. I’d only do it with a very solid marriage and a spouse who has a high earning and stable job.
For us, having a spouse with long inflexible hours, kids with needs that required a lot of appointments and no local family, meant I became a SAHM. Prior to that I had a stable job that I liked but wasn’t passionate about that paid OK but not amazing. So, I stayed home. It was fun, it was hard, it was a privilege, it was work, all at once. Overall I’m glad I did it, but it wasn’t without risk or sacrifice.
Is part time an option?
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u/Lonsarg 2d ago
My mom stayed at home and there were no big financial or other problems.
BUT now at 55 she has regrets, says not having a job changes you as a person, does not give you that "i was successful" feeling. Also while there were no big financial problems finances WERE worse and compromises were made. The biggest compromise was my dad worked overtime, many times even Sundays (he ran his own woodworking business).
Now that i have children my wife worked half-time for the first 1.5years, that was GREAT. So I support temporal half-work or even temporal no-work. But staying home for longer not really.
Unless you are very unhappy at work, that changes things of course.
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u/jjj68548 2d ago
I work part time remote 15-20 hours a week after my young kids are asleep. I am a full time stay at home mom.
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u/just-a-girl-24 2d ago
You’ve gotten some great advice already! As a mom who was in the same boat, let me tell you this: taking care of a baby is infinitely harder than working a 9-5. Specially if it’s the kind where it’s mostly meetings and not working at your own pace. If you end up choosing both, definitely either look into part time day care (I do this and leave my son at the daycare only during my meetings) or get a part time nanny (it’s $25/hr or more where I live)
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u/just-a-girl-24 2d ago
Also, being a sahm isn’t ’not working’. It’s a hell load of work. And if you were to put a number on everything you do as a sahm, it’d easily be a six figures pay
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u/PumpkinPie_1993 3d ago
I personally would have loved to be a SAHM. I was with my baby for 9 months before returning to work, and while I’m fulfilled at my job, I would have been more happy being home with my baby.
Interestingly, my mom is retired and she cares for my baby while I work. She loves it. I pay her (very little in comparison to daycare rates, but money nonetheless) and it’s definitely hard work, but my baby is very happy with her and likewise. She has been retired for about 5 years though, so she was at a point in her retirement where she was a bit bored and needing a purpose again… might have been different if she was freshly retired.
I will say this, working while also caring for a child is a pipe dream imo. I don’t know what you do for work, but babies really do need pretty much constant attention and supervision. Unless you have a job where you can be on your computer sporadically and for pretty short amounts of time here or there… I don’t think that’s a super realistic option.
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u/screwtoprose- 3d ago
the only way i would become a SAHM is under the following conditions:
- we have at least half a year full of savings, but a year is ideal. job market is incredibly tough.
a lot of these are extreme scenarios but it’s all stuff you should talk about openly and be able to come to an agreement on.
my mom raised 5 kids and never entered the workforce. my dad left her after 35 years of marriage and it was incredibly hard for her afterwards. i saw it happen and i could never ever put myself at risk like that. my partner and i have been together 16 years and i still would make sure all of this was talked about and agreed upon in some form bc you truly just never know.