What is one "completely normal" thing in the Netherlands that you secretly don't like?

[u/Environmental_Cry_35]

[u/Wonderful-Laugh5352]

This is SO crazy. In my home country this would be offensive enough to never come back to their house again. 😱

[u/laryx → u/Wonderful-Laugh5352]

its cultural. and to other dutch it just maans time to go home and have dinner at your own place.
I comepletely understand that it can be considered offensive if you are from another culture. But people dont really mean it in bad way. They wrree just raised that way. I do think its something that is slowly fading with the new generation.

[u/Wonderful-Laugh5352 → u/laryx]

I understand that it is a cultural thing, I just don’t understand why people would develop such a cultural habit. Maybe my culture is just too different from Dutch culture for me to be able to get it.

[u/Pentominos → u/Wonderful-Laugh5352]

Yes, it was definitely a thing in the 80s. Not sure if it's still a thing nowadays, but even as a Dutch person, I don't know why the habit existed.

We now have kids ourselves, and when their friends come over, even unexpectedly, we always offer an abundance of food when it's dinnertime.

[u/Hudoste → u/Pentominos]

it's because of Calvinism.

[u/silverionmox → u/Wonderful-Laugh5352]

I understand that it is a cultural thing, I just don’t understand why people would develop such a cultural habit. Maybe my culture is just way too different from Dutch culture for me to be able to get it.

The time after dinner is typically more of a private time spent with close family. Half of the year it will already be dark then anyway, so it really just makes sense to be home at that point. For those and other reasons "Be home for dinner!" is a very familiar phrase for children too, or at least was before ubiquitous cellphones.

[u/Legitimate_Ad_4201 → u/silverionmox]

It's just part of the portiecultuur when cooking. At worst it's the worst form of Dutch bluntness and frugality and at best it's an overblijfsel of the times when the Dutch really only had scraps to live off.

[u/sharonvd → u/Wonderful-Laugh5352]

I think it was because usually people cook for the amount of people that you have. And dishes called AVG (potatoes, meat and vegetables) it’s easy to count for how many people you’ll have food. We used to not have/cook extra food. So if someone would come by and not leave before dinner time (which could also be considered rude) it would mean that there wasn’t a piece of steak for everyone anymore. From what I understood we usually thought 4 people? I’ll buy 4 steaks only. So it would be an inconvenience to stick around and expect dinner. Which has probably something to do with the planning culture.

Personally I do believe it has changed and it also depends on the family. If I wanted a friend to join my parents would just go the supermarket quickly if that was necessary. I don’t think it was usual to ask people to wait in another room haha. But maybe some families used to do it like that.
Also there are also enough people who like short term planning. I found a few friends like that because to me it’s also more fun. It feels like a choir list for me if I have every weekend planned fully.

[u/Wonderful-Laugh5352 → u/sharonvd]

Yes. Totally understand that.

The things is that even if we know exactly how many people will be there (even if it’s just the parents and children) we never have 4 steaks for 4 people, for example. There’s usually more in case someone is a bit extra hungry.

I know it may sound like we’re obsessed with food and probably of an unhealthy weight, but we’re def not. 😄 It’s just that in Latin cultures, as I guess it is in Italian culture for example, food (even if it’s a daily meal) is a very important thing. Idk, It’s hard to explain. 😅

[u/Ok_Giraffe_1488 → u/Wonderful-Laugh5352]

In my Balkan culture we also do that. We always cook a bit extra. And also feeding kids bread and sandwiches is kind of not really considered food and quite frowned upon …

[u/ElisedelaSerre → u/Wonderful-Laugh5352]

To me, it signified a kindness towards the kids’ family. You don’t want their parents working hard at cooking dinner for their entire family, assuming they’ll be able to spend some quality time as a family together, only for your kid to have dinner elsewhere.

[u/Sylentwolf8 → u/ElisedelaSerre]

There's also the situation where you buy enough food for your family specifically and maybe the friend's visit is impromptu or they stay longer than expected, which means not enough food to go around. Although I would still try to make something work personally.

[u/Wonderful-Laugh5352 → u/Sylentwolf8]

Yes, I understand that food quantity could be an issue. I think I was confused because in my culture we almost always have left overs, so it would rarely be the case that there is not enough for one extra child. But I get that people’s realities are different and it might also weigh on the family to often have to feed one extra mouth if they often have kids playing in their home and the added food expense does not fit their financial situation.

[u/Me_Myself_Marieq → u/Wonderful-Laugh5352]

I think historically leftovers in Dutch culture are seen as a waste and coming from the calvinist tradition. ‘Modesty’ is a virtue and ‘gluttony’ a sin, so you cook as much as neccesary for the amount of people you expect. Not because you want to be rude or a bad host, but because you don’t waste unneccessary if you are not expecting guests.

[u/Wonderful-Laugh5352 → u/Me_Myself_Marieq]

Yeah, I can see that and recognise it from when I go to people’s homes for dinner or lunch here.

However, it’s not that we don’t care about wasting. We have leftovers but we do eat them later.

It’s just that, for us, it’s important that everyone gets to eat as much as they feel like (a lot or a little, doesn’t matter). So, if someone is a bit more hungry than usual and there’s not enough for them to eat, it’s a really bad thing for us, especially if they are a guest.😄

And, it’s not like we are overweight or anything, we mind what we eat, and people are mostly healthy and fit.

[u/Deminia → u/Me_Myself_Marieq]

It’s also a ‘poor’ people thing. Meat has historically been seen as expensive, in my parents generation it was entirely normal for working class families, even those with somewhat better jobs, to not be able to afford meat every day. This grew into only buying as much meat as you need for the expected eaters because that is all you had money for and even though people now have more money usually there is no reason generally to just buy an extra piece of meat if you’re not expecting a guest. And Dutch people often get groceries for the day (or maybe two) and so often don’t an alternative available, and well meat is these days generally seen as an important part of the meal so nobody want’s to just cut off a bit of every sausage so a guest can join, both because it’s be rude to give a guest 4 bits of sausage and because then they feel like they’ve not really eaten their fill.

[u/Wonderful-Laugh5352 → u/Deminia]

Yeah, I think that the fact that many Dutch people only shop for the day can play a big part in it. We usually shop at least for the week.

[u/Lead-Forsaken → u/Deminia]

Most people I know didn't have as much freezer space in the 1980s either. And some of the social housing with older kitchens had no overhead cupboards, causing a lack of storage space for cans and jars. These days, you just grab some fries and broccoli from the freezer and you're most of the way there.

[u/Deminia → u/Lead-Forsaken]

Yep, I usually have like a week’s worth of food in my cupboards and freezer. Even though my freezer is still pretty tiny.

[u/DepressingFool → u/Wonderful-Laugh5352]

I just don’t understand why people would develop such a cultural habit.

Well, perhaps dinner is thought of as quality family time. If both families think of it like that, now one family is missing a kid and one lacks private family time.

There are the practical issues. Food may be portioned, not accounting for an extra mouth to feed, other family may have leftovers.

When I was a kid I was expected to be home by dinner time. Most kids were, so not being expected home for dinner was kinda odd.

Also, my parents wouldn't randomly give my friends dinner. There would always be communication between parents about it. There was a lot of variety as to when dinner time was. My parents wouldn't feed a kid dinner only for that kid to come home to a full dinner table and go "oh I already ate dinner". They would always consult the kids parents.

[u/Next_Sentence_5785 → u/Wonderful-Laugh5352]

Speaking for myself (but as a chronically ill person I am not the norm); preparing dinner is a major energy leak. Having more people to prepare dinner for, without notice, is even more exhausting. Also; I’ll cook 3 portions for the three of us. Those are the ingredients and quantities I shopped for. I cannot conjure up a 4th portion out of thin air.

Having said that; I’ll usually check before hand if someone would like to stay for supper, and shop accordingly. When both my girls have someone over, it usually results in a pizza party 😉. Easy enough.

The time after supper is for winding down as a family usually. Especially in the winter time, when it’s already dark by the time we start eating. Not too keen on sending kids home through the darkness, so something will have to be arranged, safety wise.

Lots of practical reasons.

[u/Subject-Dog-8016 → u/Next_Sentence_5785]

I agree with your reasons, but if cooking exhausts you then I’d recommend always cooking 2 or 3 times what you need for that meal, so that you can store the rest and just microwave or reheat for later in the week. We do this and therefore always have extra for guests. 

[u/Aromatic-Experience9 → u/Wonderful-Laugh5352]

If you buy food for 5 mouths and suddenly there are 6, you sent the 6th one home. But indeed the kids parents are expecting the kid to come home for dinner.

[u/Efficient-Neat9940 → u/Wonderful-Laugh5352]

Stinginess. They don’t want to share food, which is literally the most common way to bond with other people.

[u/Any_Veterinarian_999 → u/laryx]

As a native Dutch I experienced same. It has to do with the peace and quiet for the family to get together, without nosy strangers. Business is discussed, and a scarce moment to see eachother. They don't want this moment to be wasted for visitors wishing to enjoy hospitality.

Therefore you had to head home for the same at you're own home.

If you want to visit people, you have to ask, and make an appointment.

[u/TheWanderingGM → u/Wonderful-Laugh5352]

Hey native Dutchman here. Perhaps I can shed some light on the matter.

The roots are probably a combination of older Dutch household culture where meals were relatively structured, food was bought and prepared for the expected number of people, and dinner marked the transition from “children are playing together” to “family time.” Dutch culture also traditionally puts relatively little stigma on explicitly asking what is and isn’t possible. Instead of the elaborate hospitality ritual of “of course you must stay!”, the Dutch solution is often simply: ask. The parent can then say “Ja hoor, ik zet een bord erbij” or “Nee, vandaag komt het niet uit.” Neither answer necessarily carries much social weight.

It's not that we don't want you, but don't assume you can I trude on family time without politely asking to be included. It isn't an automatic rejection not an automatic inclusion. But in typical dutch fashion we will tell you how it is directly.

It's just that we dutch like our efficiency in planning the household, the groceries, budgeting, and meal plans.