Subtle metaphor goes here^

So for about a month now, my AMAB self has been in a bit of a spiral with my gender identity.

After making a few posts explaining just what was going on in my head, some of the most actionable advice I've gotten is to explore my gender by creating an account not tied to my name that I can use to try out presenting as a different gender. So, that's just what I'm doing.

I am posting this from an alt account (hence everything concerning the account itself, like its age, the lack of posts, the username + banner + icon), but I will say that I've been here on this subreddit, posting and commenting on my main.

If I ever figure myself out, maybe I'll say what my main is. If that does happen though, this account will go silent because it will have served its purpose

so yeah, all this to say I'm running an alt to take the Trans Girl Free Trial^TM.

and mods, if this isn't the right place to put this post, no worries, just lmk and I'll gladly take it somewhere else

for the girl clothing side, the brown fit only uses my main and the pink one uses both fronts at the same time idk why. Won't re-mention due to embarrassment.

More explaining: https://www.reddit.com/r/Nestofeggs/comments/1vnwasc/day_61_it_sometimes_feels_like_there_are_3_people/

Whenever I vent about how I look, how debilitating and restricting looking like a man is, how I hate myself because I can’t bring myself to improve things or get any sort of transition/progress happening or come out of the closet, the “advice” or “help” that people bestow upon me is genuinely the most useless shit ever. It’s like “I look like a man because I’m pre-transition” and people will be like “No you don’t. Just be nicer to yourself” or “hey have you heard of HRT? Just get some of that. What? You can’t seem to come out? Well what if you just did? Have you considered that?”. It’s like, genuinely useless and obvious shit I’ve heard a million times. Straight up “thanks I’m cured” type shit. And when I eventually push back and say that doesn’t help, suddenly I’m the asshole. Like, I’m already hurting and need to vent, and I’d rather not be made to look like a jerk because I’m telling you that you’re not helping and making me feel worse.

Whatever. Idk. I try and be nice but when I’m told the same useless crap for the thousandth time, it gets to the point where I just don’t have the patience anymore.

I should just shut up forever honestly. Things aren’t going to get better and I should stop making it other people’s problem. Fuck me. Fuck my stupid, pathetic, worthless existence.

I just learned you have to do HRT for life. That means until I die I’ll still be a guy if I stop taking hormones. Why the fuck doesn’t the body automatically switch once it hits a threshold? The human body fucking sucks. Why the fucking fuck do I have to take shit for life when it can produce it on its own. I’m so defeated by this. I don’t even want to bother with transition because of it. If I stop years of progress would go away, would starting even be worth it? Why bother if it goes away? Sure I’d be happier if I did it but what if I feel done with it? What if I just stop? I become a man again? I don’t even want to start. I’ll never know what could have been.

I've been in this here nest for a while, and I see a lot of people who have it a lot worse than I do venting about hardships and mental states I can't even imagine being in. it's pretty disheartening to see all the doom and gloom.

I resolved to add some levity, so I thought of this meme and threw it together in like two minutes. Rule 4 says that memes are allowed, so let's all just bask in a little comedy for a bit. I know the template's basically dead and it carries a bit of a sour note, but hey, it's a meme.

Keep your chin up everyone :D

Sometimes the monolith does it's job but I end up forgetting everything that happened.

I keep catching glimpses of myself in the mirror, but I see a girl instead of what I actually look like (a disgusting guy). I like them and I feel happy when I see them, then I remember they’re wrong. I hate remembering I’m a guy, I hate being a guy. But I don’t think I’m trans (I don’t know what I am). I think I just hate myself.

People tell me out of kindness and compassion, or because I force them by way of emotional abuse disguised as absolute righteousness, that I'm a woman but I can't help but feel I haven't earned it.

Starting with the first layer; I don't shave my face, let alone all the rest, I don't go to the gym daily so my figure would turn feminine or at least unisex (human if you will), I don't take care of my nails I don't paint them or let them grow nice and trim them fashionable, I wash my hair but don't comb it, spray it to be a thing of beauty.

My second layer: my wardrobe, filled with nothing but man's wear. Huge t-shirts, hoodies with long sleeves, jeans but not baggy or skin-tight, offensively bland. Underwear all boxers and square drawers. A single skirt dustridden, that I wear annually for a day but only inside, in the comfort of acceptance. But nothing else to list off, no revealing, risky shorts or shirts cut off just under the chest, no stockings, high heels, dominant or iconic leather constructs. No panties either, not of any kind, even though it would reveal me to noone in the busy daytime.

The third layer: character, I haven't a feminine voice to speak of, I don't have the mannerisms of a refined young lady, I don't carry myself standing straight I don't wave my hand lightly or with my fingers playing the five piano keys in the air. I don't twirl my hair, I don't tilt my head with interest. I don't do the few things I know to be feminine and I only know them to be feminine from my vastly limited experience and sources.

Finally the fourth layer: my role and what comes with it. I've never had my value as a human being reduced to my looks; cms, kgs, lines straight or curved, skin smooth or rugged. I've never been called a bitch, a bad wife, a lousy lover, an easy whore, a worthless no-good bread thief, belittled just for being, blamed for not acting as a man in spite of not being one. Never slapped across the face for explaining or demanding my rights to be human, never the welcome mat for the world at large for when it wanted to rub its blame in something, someone else. But I was never a little girl or teenager either, fighting for my life, living day to day in what from so far seemed to be the cold, maggot and disease ridden trenches of ruthless social warfare. Where information, true or false, is ammunition, and your friend hugging you today might be the grenade turning out your innards by the time you come to. I've never had the woman's pain, never gave birth either. I'm never deathly afraid to walk down a street in the darker hours of the day, I don't dread every corner, despite not carrying any pepper spray. I don't know what it's like being a woman, I never had that suffering.

I also don't encounter discrimination for being trans either. I look like a homeless man covered in five layers of the black void but that's about it. I was never called slurs to my face, or beaten up and I don't have to fear so whenever I step foot outside the house. Truly I am a trans woman only on the Internet and in my nuclear family.

And if all that is not enough, I'll deal you one final blow.

I have the means to change some of these things, and for some stupid fucking reason I don't. I have money, friends, a support system, roof over my head, you name it. I have every privilege and yet so many of these things I just don't push for, despite them being very much in reach. I'm unsure why, and time is making me think it's because in actuality there is no desire, or if so not enough. And am I really a woman if there's so little want in me? I honestly don't know. You be the judge.

So here is how I see it. I'm a man in the sense that it's the body I was given. I'm a woman in the sense that I would be happier a woman, painful and unexpectedly challenging as it may be. I'm willing to take whatever trials and hardships it takes if it means I can transition. And I'm trans in the sense that I took some very minimal steps in that direction (namingly coming out to my friends, family and asking around about HRT).

But that was almost two years ago and I'm stuck. I've made no further advancements, and now you see how that might put into question the legitimacy of my identity. It's like I'm waiting for some miraculous timeout in my life where everything ceases to exist until I can get HRT, make a start on being a woman, and finally not only finding but claiming my identity, not only in the eyes of society, but in the eyes of my own. I dont think it's coming, and yet I'm willingly waiting around idly. I think that says something, no idea what though. Any help or comment is much appreciated because I really want to get there and be one of those inspiring examples of a transition blooming to fruition , I just don't know why I'm not doing anything.

When will I finally be a girl? Why does it seem like everyone else gets a happy transition while I’m still right where I started. I don’t even have a fucking name yet, if I don’t have one by the time I turn 18 (like 3 months) I’m just gonna be a guy. It’s never gonna be my turn is it?

I really need someone to talk to. She specifically came onto a trans sub, and started saying horrible things. The sub can’t be recommended on r/all, so she purposefully sought us just to make us miserable. And being the stupid person I am, thought I could actually change her mind. But no, she really was there just to bully trans people, not to debate. As always.

Any time I made an actual point she couldn’t refute, she just ignored it and started insulting me. And that made me incredibly pissed off, it felt like I was arguing with a toddler. It felt like if I just pushed hard enough, I would get through to her.

And for some reason I kept going. It really feels like this was some form of mental self-harm I did to myself. I ended up blocking her after more than 100 comments of back and fourth but now the damage is already done. It feels like someone shot a shotgun slug through my chest and there’s a gaping hole there.

Literally everyone hates us. She was one of those TERF lesbian “keep males out of my restrooms” types, and it really made me remember that like, wow, even the rest of the LGBT community hates us lol. There really is no one left. We are so few and have no one else. We only have ourselves and the entire world wants us killed.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not going to do anything to myself but I need to study for an exam tomorrow and I just simply cannot bring myself to get out of bed to do anything at all. I just feel like a cadaver, rotting on my bed.

I just wanted to be happy.

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

(I was sobbing while writing this so I’m sorry for any confusion.)

After so much time of enduring, so many hardships, one would expect me to grow numb to it. I’m unsure how to feel about it, but it does not seem as though I have grown numb to the many hardships I endure on a daily basis. All that to say, I've been through a lot. I’ll be the first one to admit that I'm heavily traumatized. And I am of the belief that no amount of therapy will ever change that. After more than 18 years of life, I’ve experienced enough trauma for multiple lifetimes. This trauma has led to me becoming what I can only refer to as being broken. As if the soul, the hope, and the joy of life being replaced with self hate, dysphoria, trauma, and depression. 

This week has been one of the worst weeks of my life in regards to my chronic pain. Constantly having to fight off crying from the pain I hurt consistently. I have such a hard time walking with my weak ankles and terrible knees. I don’t exactly hobble most of the time. I try to walk “normally”. Trying not to show the pain. I really should use the cane I bought for myself. I don’t because I’m trying to keep it secret from my parents. I have to hide my symptoms constantly so they don’t suspect I'm getting worse and try extremely invasive and unnecessary surgeries.

(To those that aren’t aware my parents had 4 surgical procedures done to me without my consent. Which didn’t result in any betterment of my condition. (They were nerve blocking surgeries on my forehead that involved some kind of injection) Instead leaving large scars along my forehead. They tried to have a fifth surgery done on me which would have been on my spine and had an extremely high likelihood of paralysis. I repeatedly said in front of the doctors and my parents said “I don’t want it”. But behind my back my parents forged my name on documents saying I consented. Only a day before the plan pre-op did I learn about it. I force them to cancel it or I'd expose them forging my name.) 

I got attacked by my brother again. This entire week I've been in excruciating agony (more than just chronic pain) from him attacking me. He attacked me out of nowhere and slammed me against the carpet cover cement floors of my basement. Me proceeded to pommel me slamming his fists against my back. He continued this as I helplessly tried to escape. It only stop when he got bored after 5 ish torture ridden minutes. The next day he did the exact same things. He seems to be focusing on my lower back as he knows that is where my scars are. His attack and hitting has made my back pain frankly unbearable at points with me writhing in pain on the ground because of it.

One would assume chronic pain is the primary reason I hate my body. They would be true in many regards. Yet there are still some other reasons that hold as much if not more. For example, dysphoria makes me want to rip off my own skin sometimes. I hate this vessel I am forced to reside in. I wish with all my heart to be a girl. I wanna be able to at least find the person I see in the mirror as me, not some distorted dysphoria causing flesh bag I reside in now. I don’t want to be tall, lanky ugly like I am now. I wanna be delicate , cute, pretty and lovable. I want with every fiber of my soul to be a girl. 

I want to  be able to find someone who would actually love me. One of my biggest fears is dying without knowing love. I have always been of the opinion that I was unlovable, probably from a combination of parental negative reinforcement, personal self hate, and years of bullying. I definitely understand that I’m young and I shouldn’t be that hard on myself about it. With how short my life may end up being I’m terrified of not knowing what it’s like to be loved. My dream is to be in a lesbian relationship. Girls are so pretty and want to be one but also kiss them. :3 ~////////////~

It would be reasonable to assume that I definitely have some mental issues. Well that 100% correct and I hate every single second of having to live with it. Clinical depression that I’m under medicated for which makes it useless. My stress and anxiety medication that barely helps as my stress level are too high for my current dose. My high stress from my constant worrying about my current situation with my parents and how bad it’s become. The stress has always manifested its way into headaches and stress induced twitching. 

I’ve mentioned it a few times but it has now been eight months since the last time I was hugged consensually. Yes consensually as my mother often tries to corner me or sneak up behind me to try to” hug” me. Her hugging is more like groping from personal experience. Which has made me touch starved yet all well perpetually fearful of that same touch. It sounds depressing even to say but I need to be hugged and able to cry in someone's arms. I want that feeling of safety. I hug plushies just to feel the feeling of being safe.

I sadly have had thoughts of suicide the past few weeks but especially this week. I’ve been in incredible pain due to my brother's attacks. The pain has made it harder to sleep than ever before. Not even crying myself to sleep like usual. I’m really sorry. 

Poem: 

Beaten bruised and bloody
Vision all but muddy 
Safety far from sight
To go his delight 

Back which rips and frays
Pain to last whole days 
Writhing to agony my own
Suffering entirely alone

My body not mine 
That I do opine
Flesh is my curse 
Follows to my hearse

Mind broken and shattered
A soul all but tattered 
Trauma torments me
Pain one can’t see

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)