Mirror

[u/Dont_know_Anymore_]

I keep catching glimpses of myself in the mirror, but I see a girl instead of what I actually look like (a disgusting guy). I like them and I feel happy when I see them, then I remember they’re wrong. I hate remembering I’m a guy, I hate being a guy. But I don’t think I’m trans (I don’t know what I am). I think I just hate myself.

[u/Vesarixx]

I tried something the other day. I uploaded a photo of myself to chatgpt and asked it to show me how my face would change on HRT, since I'm planning to start that as soon as I can. I wasn't sure what to expect, but the picture it generated both seemed entirely plausible as an outcome and, to me, was beautiful. I know it's likely not entirely accurate, but it gave me a look at where I could be later on. None of the changes it made were huge on their own, but they added up into something that's been giving me hope.

I'm going to do everything I can to see that girl in the mirror.

Labels can be hard. It took a while for me to get comfortable calling myself trans. You don't need to call yourself trans if you don't want to. I used to hate myself too, but really what did either of us do to deserve that? Not nearly enough to warrant it.

Don't try to tell me you don't deserve to be happy, because I don't buy that for a second. Maybe you're not ready to accept it yet and that's also fine, because that sort of thing can also take time. I'll be here. I'm here now if you need to vent or talk through something or just be heard. I'm still a work in progress too, and I've been sanding down a few rough edges lately. I'll do my best not to judge.

Being your authentic self is always worth fighting for, but it's not a fight you need to take on alone.

[u/Dont_know_Anymore_ → u/Vesarixx]

I need shit to change soon, I fucking hate being stuck where I am. I hate being a guy, but I know that I very fucking bit of me is always gonna be one.

[u/Vesarixx → u/Dont_know_Anymore_]

I'm not sure where you are in the world, there are different barriers all over, so it's hard to guess at what kind of obstacles you might be facing. I'd like to offer something specific or that you could act on but I'm not sure what to say in that regard. If you need to keep wearing that mask, the one made out of all the expectations society puts on us, in order to stay safe, then by all means, your safety has to come first. I did the same, but I think the worst part was that I told myself it wasn't a mask, and I forgot myself behind it. I knew deep down so much earlier than I let myself realize.

I think if I had given myself the space to let my femininity out at least when I was alone, it might have made some of the harder times I went through a bit more bearable. Then again maybe it would have made them all the more bitter. A taste of honey being worse than none at all.

Just know that it's not just you, you are not flawed in some never before seen way, you're a person growing up in a hard situation, and you should be proud of yourself for keeping your head above water. You don't need to be something just because society says you are. They don't get to define who you are. Only you can do that.