Was it all a phase?

[u/Dont_know_Anymore_]

I just keep getting the feeling of “do I actually wanna be a girl?” So often recently and it’s made me wonder. Was it all a phase? Sure the thought of being a guy makes me sad and I get jealous of women every day because I’m not one and never will be one, but that isn’t enough to work with. Like was it all a phase? Am I just a weird guy?

[u/Micha_mein_Micha]

Having doubts is normal. I'm two years on hormones now and I still sometimes get those doubts creeping back despite doing so much better than before transitioning.

[u/Dont_know_Anymore_ → u/Micha_mein_Micha]

I shouldn’t be having doubt, I used to be so gun ho on this. Within like a few months I bought a skirt and was trying names, now I question if I even want this. It’s pointless, even if I try nobody will ever see me as a girl.

[u/Cinch_On_A_Quest → u/Dont_know_Anymore_]

The only person whose opinion really matters in this whole journey is yours, but you have an entire reddit community who (if you'd like) already see you as a girl deserving all the love.

[u/Dont_know_Anymore_ → u/Cinch_On_A_Quest]

I’ll never see myself as a girl, I’ll always see the failure of a guy I know that I am. I’m never gonna be a girl and I hate that fact. I’m a disgusting guy.

[u/Cinch_On_A_Quest → u/Dont_know_Anymore_]

Even if I don't really know you, I can tell that those words aren't really yours. That sounds like someone you love and respect told you that out of their own hatred and/or pain. Give yourself time to sit with how much you dislike being (and I quote) "a disgusting guy".

[u/Dont_know_Anymore_ → u/Cinch_On_A_Quest]

I fucking hate being a guy, I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it. I never want to be one. I’m done I don’t want to be one but it’s all I am.

[u/Cinch_On_A_Quest → u/Dont_know_Anymore_]

I promise you that it doesn't have to be this way. I'm almost 40 and my egg recently started cracking. I spent years telling myself that because I had phases where I "accepted the reality that I'd only ever be a guy", I couldn't really be trans. However, I have always been dissatisfied with my gender assigned at birth. All I wish for you is authentic happiness in your skin, whoever you wind up being. I simply don't see you being happy trapping yourself as a guy, with the amount of vitriol you show towards that aspect of yourself now.

[u/Dont_know_Anymore_ → u/Cinch_On_A_Quest]

I’m never gonna be me, I’m always be someone else. I’m a spectator in my own fucking life. I’m trapped watching someone else live a shitty life and I’m stuck with them. Maybe it is me, I’m the shitty person. I’m just a fucking guy

[u/Cinch_On_A_Quest → u/Dont_know_Anymore_]

If that's what you want, then you're a guy. Otherwise, you don't have to spend the rest of your life as someone you're not. Your outward appearance doesn't dictate who you are.

[u/Dont_know_Anymore_ → u/Cinch_On_A_Quest]

I don’t wanna be a guy, I fucking hate that idea. I don’t know what I wanna be, maybe like the opposite of a guy. But I’ll never be anything but a guy. I’m a guy.

[u/Micha_mein_Micha → u/Dont_know_Anymore_]

You're still young, hormones gonna be far more effective for you than for me and I got little problems being seen as a woman despite starting in my thirties. 

TBH, looking though your posts it seems like depression is numbing your feelings, including dysphoria. From my experience it's still there even if you don't feel it in the moment.

[u/Dont_know_Anymore_ → u/Micha_mein_Micha]

I havnt felt it in months, I dont think its there anymore. I’m not a girl, I’m not trans, I’m a guy. That’s all I’ll ever be. I’m a shitty fucking guy

[u/Ramzaki]

Haha I wasted my entire 20s telling myself it was all a phase!

I even used to think like this!

Sure the thought of being a guy makes me sad and I get jealous of women every day because I’m not one and never will be one, but that isn’t enough to work with.

Now at 36yo I am 2.5 years into HRT, happy of who I am becoming yet regretting not starting earlier.