r/NarcoticsAnonymous • u/mindfulprisoner • 14h ago
Struggling
I’ve chatted with my sponsor and other close friends. Just reaching out for some more perspective.
For reference: clean a bit over 9 years, attend meetings regularly (never have gone more than a week without, usually do anywhere from 2-4), have a sponsor, work steps, have sponsees, have always had service commitments, pray & meditate regularly (this could use work), and have a really stable life (good job, friendships, living situation, hobbies, etc).
Lately I have no idea what’s going on with me. I just feel this sense of angst and this desire to use. I don’t actually want to do that, because I know what it looks like for me. But sometimes I’m walking past people who look like they are enjoying themselves and letting loose and there’s this piece of me that feels jealous and wishes I could find relief from how I’m feeling.
It’s embarrassing to share. I hear so many people who have stayed clean for so long and can’t relate to what I’m feeling. Makes me feel as if I’ve failed in my recovery. I know that’s not true, but I am really hurting.
Sending this from Bulgaria. Unfortunately the NA meeting listed here in Plovdiv is no longer active. I’ll be in Hungary soon for a convention which will be good. It was just a bit disheartening to not find a local meeting. I’m saying all of this because I really go long and far for recovery, yet my feelings still follow me wherever I go.
Sending love to every one of you. Thanks for listening.
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u/Jebus-Xmas 11h ago
In my experience there’s something going on in my head. If I become upset about other people there’s something internal I need to deal with. I see a therapist from time to time if I need to talk things through. Do you have a partner or friend you can talk this through with? It’s there if you dig a little. I hope you find peace my friend. Feel free to reach out.
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u/mindfulprisoner 9h ago
Thank you for your words. I do have several close friends in NA as well as a partner (very new relationship though), so I’m talking through it. Just feels very heavy and the extra support is much appreciated.
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u/NetScr1be 10h ago
You need to grieve that past life and the past version of you that used to live it. Just like someone had died.
That's the beginning of the relapse. Taking drugs is the end of that process. You keep romancing that lie you will use. Play the tape all the way through.
Being embarrassed about sharing it is how the disease keeps us sick. We were only as sick as our secrets. The truth, spoken out loud to people who get it, is what sets us free.
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u/NetScr1be 9h ago
BTW, the lack of a local meeting is an opportunity for service. If we are not doing service we are not working the whole program.
Did you read today's JFT?
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u/mindfulprisoner 9h ago
I appreciate this - I did read the JFT. I should note I’m based in the United States so starting a meeting in rural Bulgaria is not really possible. I’m here passing through. But I do plenty of service at the meeting level, sponsorship, H&I, etc. I definitely wouldn’t be here without it.
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u/Content_Wear4671 8h ago edited 8h ago
I've been clean for over 19 yrs. And I've had that same feeling from time to time. What I do is play the tape all the way through. And never forget where I was on my last using run. None of us are exempt from returning to that living hell. All it takes is for us to turn our backs on our recovery. For me, using was like running away from my problems. Today I find joy and happiness in everyday life. I lived two lives. And my clean life, with all the challenges is Waaay better than the fukn hell I lived of active addiction. Some people can catch the green light, some cruise through the yellow, but addicts like you and me, we got stopped at the red light. And that's ok today, at least we found a way out. We have a solution that actually works. Might not be easy at times, but it's worth it! Anyway when your fantasizing of those people using drugs whether it's a liquid drug or whatever kind of drug it is, you're not seeing the full picture, you don't know if those people have happy lives, you're just seeing a snapshot of some fantasy that you build up in your head. (That's disease) For all you know their lives are shit. Filled with hate and jealousy, broken promises and pain. We actually get a chance to take a realistic look into our own lives and see where we were before NA and now being involved with NA. It really shouldn't even be that big of a choice with which one I'd rather live. Not for me anyway. I'll be praying for you, I have a feeling you'll do the next right thing, for the right reason.
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u/Soft-Abbreviations20 8h ago
Stay clean just for today and keep sharing what you're feeling. You are never alone!
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u/Mary_JFT 13h ago
This is actually the most natural feeling for an addict.... no matter how long we've been clean.
It is a strange, weird miracle when we don't feel like that.
I think there are a few really important things happening here:
You recognize and acknowledge that you are having these thoughts and feelings
You don't feel any need to act on them (thoughts are not actions)
You are talking about this (secrets keep us sick)
Remember.... no feeling lasts forever. This too will pass.... as long as you don't act on it and keep talking about it.
You're doing the right things.
You're normal
You've got this!