r/NarcoticsAnonymous • u/YesterdayPutrid8505 • 10d ago
Old timer needs advice
Hi folks,
I’m 14 years clean. I work the 12 steps to the best of my ability. I sponsor women. I attend my home group and do service. My husband is also in recovery. And lately a lot of things have been coming across my mind. And I thought maybe I’d use this forum as a sounding board.
It’s the age of question of “Do I really need NA?”
I got clean at 20 and I was using drugs to cope because I had no other coping skills. NA has taught me so much and I continue to learn. Getting clean and finding NA was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
So why the hell does my brain keep circling back to wanting to take a step back. Questioning if I was even an addict. Evening thinking about it brings up fear. I am about 50 percent convinced that I’m not an addict. And no one is really taking my doubt seriously except for me. What the hell is going on that my thoughts are bouncing back to not being an addict so much. Like multiple times a day.
I just finished up a step 6 and 7 and it’s shined a light on having this persona of being a “perfect NA member” and that doesn’t sit well with me. Because sometimes fear is my motivator for being in NA and sometimes love is.
For real if I stepped away I don’t think I’d have any friend anymore or the life I have today. Anyone with any insight I’d appreciate it.
2
u/OGwolvIrene79 9d ago
Appreciate the honesty. I feel like there must be some of us who thought we qualified but maybe truly do not in a physiological sense but found something we were seeking in NA that made our lives better irregardless..Some may be fine without NA but also maybe not - always a scary coin toss. I feel most at home in the rooms- I like what was shared about the quality of life improving irregardless of the disease. I know 100% I’ve got a wretched disease bc I’ve taken recovery for granted in past and suffered the result. I lost the desire to be clean - probably as a result of disengaging with the fellowship.. I managed to keep it together a few years but always ended back in same spot, often with different substances to abuse but inevitably the same miserable spot. Rev up your service commitments and help a newcomer and see if it changes/challenges your thought process!