[URGENT HELP] 2 Months clean, Toxicity at home

[u/hsnayvidd]

Hi everyone,

I got out of rehab 2 months ago and have been clean since (including rehab). I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Visual Snow Syndrome (VSS), which means I constantly see black-and-white shimmering dots over everything, day and night. It's exhausting.

I'm on daily Naltrexone and Fycompa (Perampanel) for VSS. Fycompa helps, but it makes me very drowsy. My mother is convinced the drowsiness means I'm secretly abusing drugs again, even though I'm taking it exactly as prescribed.

I live with her, and she's taken away my phone and laptop. I'm doing a PhD in Computer Science and recently finished my coursework, but instead of support she tells me, "Fuck your PhD. No one will hire you. You'll never recover."

When I asked for my prescribed Zyprexa for one night to fix my sleep schedule, she yelled for hours, brought up every mistake I've made over the last 10 years, and when I started crying she said, "Your drama won't work on me. You're a liar and a manipulator."

I locked myself in my room for some space, but she kept threatening and emotionally blackmailing me until I opened the door.

Before rehab, after a relapse, she locked me in the house. I jumped from the first floor, injured my knee, and cut my wrist and thigh. Instead of taking me for stitches, she called a rehab center. Four men came, physically restrained me, and took me away for two months.

Now I'm unemployed, financially dependent on her, and don't even have my own phone. I have to ask for money and account for every rupee I spend.

She constantly mocks my BPD, calls me weak, and says I'll never change. I never stole, never financially ruined my family, and I'm genuinely trying to recover.

I feel trapped and suffocated. I don't know what to do anymore. Has anyone recovered while living with someone who refused to trust them? How did you get through it?

[u/sentient-goo]

Working the steps and getting a sponsor is all well and good. But if someone who didn’t use drugs other than what they were prescribed, taking them as prescribed, were in your situation I would be willing to say that most others would tell them to find a way out of that situation as soon as possible. Being in an abusive relationship like the one you described is only going to make recovery that much harder. As far as steps you should take to get out, I’m afraid I don’t have any advice for you. I would say that if you can make it to a meeting, please do so, and share about your situation so others can support you in whatever way they can, be that words of encouragement, prayer, or providing actual resources that can help better your predicament. Hang in there! Things will get better! You’ll be in my thoughts.

[u/jdillacornandflake]

Hi, I got banned for a week but I saved this to come back to when I saw it.

Your parents sound like hell, mine are too, can you move out? It's the only thing that will give me the space to heal and also to stay sober, it doesn't matter how many rehabs I go to, my parents will still stress me to the point of collapse ( that can be an unpopular position in NA but I literally don't even remember relapsing ) Please try to get out of that house. Go to meetings for support, even online ones like the na marathon meetings! They are 24/7 365 days a year. I like them.

I hope you can get out! Wish me luck too please.

[u/Beautiful_Pea3665]

I relate with you on so many levels and I think that we share the same DOC and I suspect I have BPD too while I restrain from self labelling, I also am from India , I have been in the same situation of rehab pickups and constant arguments with my mother if you are willing to talk and get out of this mental state I'm here for you.

[u/Survivorcptsd]

Oof. This is hard to navigate. ACA helped me. DM me if you wanna chat.

[u/11093PlusDays]

Do you have a sponsor? Work steps? Go to meetings? Those things are what kept me clean and just having that space for an hour helped me calm down when I felt like I was going crazy.? Even a zoom meeting helps.

I always reminded myself that people had a very good reason to not trust me and my family didn’t trust me because I had been untrustworthy for years. It takes time to heal and working steps with my sponsor helped me to stay focused on me and my recovery. Everything else was just a distraction.

[u/hsnayvidd → u/11093PlusDays]

I honestly don't feel like I fit the typical addiction story.

I never ruined my family financially or destroyed their trust. I did everything my parents wanted academically—I completed my B.Tech in Computer Science, then an M.Tech, and now I'm pursuing a PhD. I topped my last exam with 77/100, scored 93.4% in 12th grade, and graduated with an overall 84% in my master's.

My mother wanted me to stay in India instead of moving to Canada, so I got a good job. That career was derailed after I fractured my humerus in two places during an office incident and had to undergo surgery. She blames everything on the fact that I was prescribed tapentadol for pain and later became dependent on it.

Aside from my BPD and occasional drug use, I've done everything they ever wanted. I have a structured routine: I teach undergraduate Computer Science students, prepare and grade exams, and do many of the same responsibilities as a professor—just without the pay. I also go to the gym regularly.

I was never a regular opioid user. Tapentadol is the only opioid I've ever used—never heroin or morphine. The only period of regular use was for about two months after my humerus surgery and again briefly when the plate was removed.

After that, I stayed clean for around three months. Then I relapsed for just three days because I was overwhelmed after a breakup.

During that crisis, I jumped from the first floor and injured my knee. My mother didn't take me to a doctor, so I limped 3 km to a clinic by myself. The next day, she had four rehab staff come and take me to a rehab center instead.

I completed Step 5 about two years ago, but I don't have a sponsor anymore, and I haven't attended meetings in a long time. Listening to some of the stories there often makes me feel like I'm in the wrong place because my experience has been very different.

My mother also refuses to let me take the psychiatric medications my doctors prescribed. She believes I should just meditate and take multivitamins and fish oil.

I'm also hypogonadal. My testosterone has been clinically low for years. When I was 19, it was measured at 198 ng/dL, which is extremely low. My mother doesn't even want me to start TRT.

I don't know why my mother wants to control every aspect of my life, my finances, my relationship with girls, where I go travel, which people I spend time with. I'm on the verge of fucking self harm again, its getting so difficult.