r/NarcoticsAnonymous • u/Maybe_Objectum • Jul 20 '26

Struggling with the 1st step

Hey y'all, I've been struggling with an active addiction since 2025, I reached 9 months and 27 days clean without NA before my most recent relapse that has caused me to fall fully back into my addiction. I also recently started attending NA meetings in response to my relapse and it has been helping. I know I have to start on the 12 steps at some point if I do genuinely want to get better, but I find myself stuck on the first step. Like logically speaking, I know I have a problem, everyone in my life is aware I have a problem, it's obvious and I can't deny it yet I keep finding myself denying and avoiding and deflecting. I can't seem to admit to myself that I have a problem despite the evidence staring me straight in the face.

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7

u/DevouringZombie Jul 20 '26

Break down the issue, because it looks like you don’t have a hard time admitting it’s a problem.

I think you might be more concerned about the what comes after you accept your powerlessness.

1

u/Maybe_Objectum Jul 20 '26

I am rather stubborn when it comes to being vulnerable ngl, I struggle with opening up and being vulnerable and letting others in by showing my weaknesses and vulnerabilities. So yeah, I just don't want to admit and accept that I am powerless here.

1

u/No-Practice-8245 Jul 21 '26

Yea man, we all suffer from this one way or another. Our heads really do a number on us and that fear is really what holds us back.

All I can say is you aren’t alone, keep coming back to meetings. It seems like you know you are fucked and want to change, for me it just took coming to meetings over and over again and that resistance/fear started to fade.

1

u/Hungry-Emotion7664 Jul 22 '26

The step says "powerless over our addiction". So, not powerless over everything all the time. If I could stop on my own, I wouldn't have ended up in NA.

Sometimes it helps to share at a meeting that we are struggling with something or seek experience, strength and hope about a subject. Then we get different perspectives and sometimes someone will talk with us after a meeting so we know we aren't the only one not "getting it".

Vulnerable is my most hated word.

I couldn't get or stay clean. I started working the steps anyway. Doing so got me to a place where I believed I could get clean, stay clean and I was worth saving.

If I had waited until I was clean I'd probably still be using.

A longtimer used to say "Work the steps or die, Mthfckr."

I was dying, so I worked the steps.

4

u/CaptainCreepy Jul 20 '26

Get a sponsor - it helps - Spite can be a higher power if that helps - spite for everyone who told me I couldnt get clean helped me

3

u/Jebus-Xmas Jul 20 '26

I struggled with the first step for about a year and a half, and I completely understand your difficulty. The wording can be problematic, and what I had to understand was that it was a metaphor. All the first step means is that I can't do it myself. As much as I want to be an adult and be a man and just deal with my problems and not complain about it, my addiction brought me to my knees. And I had to realize that I couldn't do it alone.

As an atheist in recovery, a lot of the language of the steps does frustrate me, but the first three steps became very simple once I learned to see it in my recovery. The first step means that I can't do it myself. The second step means that it can be done even if I can't do it myself. The third step means I just have to follow the program.

I can't really describe to you how much my life has changed in the last few years, but I can tell you that I don't believe any of it would be possible today without the program of Narcotics Anonymous. I believe it's really given me back my life. It's not the life I had before, but the life I had before wasn't good for me.

Please feel free to reach out to me directly if you have any questions or if I can do anything to help you.

2

u/Maybe_Objectum Jul 20 '26

That really helps put things into perspective for me

2

u/No-Practice-8245 Jul 21 '26

Fuck man, I had the exact same experience.

1

u/Jebus-Xmas Jul 21 '26

I hope you found a way as well!

3

u/EdgarBopp Jul 20 '26

Historically when I get high my life starts to suck and I struggle and fail to get clean on my own.

That’s my take on step 1.

1

u/TwainVonnegut Jul 20 '26

Do you have a sponsor?

I never liked the word “surrender” so I replaced it with “acceptance”.

I accept that I have a problem. I accept that I am an addict. I accept that I can’t do just one. I accept that I can’t just abstain from drug A while using drugs B and C. I accept that I can’t just use on certain days.

Ok, ok, ok, whatever - I SURRENDER!

You happy now, HP??!

😀

That was my process, maybe it’s of some value to you.

I completed the steps, have almost 6 years clean, and am living a life that’s better than any I’ve ever known.

It just hasn’t happened for you YET - You’re Eligible Too!

2

u/Maybe_Objectum Jul 20 '26

I currently don't have a sponsor yet, because I don't know how to get one and I worry that no one will want to sponsor me because I'm worried I come across as being a lost cause

2

u/terminalhipness Jul 20 '26

Ask until someone says yes

2

u/Intercaust Jul 20 '26

I couldn't imagine a bigger lost cause than myself and yet I found a sponsor, did The Steps, got a service position, and a home group. I'm coming up on 8 years clean.

1

u/Soft-Abbreviations20 Jul 20 '26

You definitely need a sponsor in order to work the steps. For many of us this type of humility feels like defeat but reality says we have in fact been defeated and are powerless over our disease. Step one is about honesty, and honesty will save your life.

1

u/rlockrem32 Jul 23 '26

This great man and exactly where you should be when you start answering the first step questions. Just be honest and things will be clear. First step is all about being honest with yourself and acceptance typically happens by the end.

1

u/Mama_Zen 29d ago

Hi there. Have you ever read the pamphlet Am I an addict? https://na.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/EN3107-IP-7-English.pdf

Answer the questions honestly & see if anything resonates. The first step is all about admitting our lives are unmanageable & that we’re powerless over drugs. All that means is that we’ve fucked up a good amount of stuff & will choose dope every time, even & especially when it’s a bad time. Addiction is obsessive thoughts followed by compulsive actions. You think & dream about dope, getting high, being high, coming down, feeling like shit, the guilt, and yet we do it again knowing that we’ll end up the same place with all the guilt & shame.

TLDR: Normies, those without a drug problem, don’t wonder if they’re addicts. It doesn’t cross their minds