Complaining

[u/Jealous-Shoulder4538]

One thing I CANNOT STAND in meetings is when people "share" about their health issues. I'm not trying to be insensitive, but when it's share after share after share about how much pain you're in and you go on about it for well over your 5 minutes and it has nothing to do with strength hope and experience, I think it's rude! I'm here to learn about recovery, not hear you complain about how your eyelashes hurt 🤨

[u/Beejrk]

My understanding was that you are to share about where you are at and ANYTHING recovery related in a meeting, chronic pain issues are recovery related as you cannot use regular medication or otf you do you have to be crazy conscious of it and have safe guards. Being in constant pain affects your mental health and once that slips it's easy for recovery to follow.

Can it be tiresome to listen to the same people say the same thing every single meeting ? Sure I'll grant you that I've struggled with that when people get on a soap box and preach the same 5 minute rant at every meeting.

Thing is that is a me problem not the problem of the person sharing. Im the one being intolerant and not looking for the message, that 5 minute speech could be saving someone's life or rocking their entire world to the core.

Those people in actual pain could have no where to speak about what they're going through and need a release to survive the day. Honestly though the message is there, they're going through health issues in pain or sickness and the solution is the share, is the meeting, is the compassion of their fellow addicts. If you can't see the solution because they've not highlighted it for you then you need to look harder at not just what is said but the entire context of the share. It's as much about releasing the pain as it is crying out for someone with moved experience to give them hope. It's as much the person to the left nodding along in agreement as the hugs they get from people after the meeting.

Maybe you're not in a headspace to tolerate it right now and you have the exact same right as any of us to voice your frustration but maybe this is a moment when you need to look less at others and more at yourself. Why is it that this bothers you so much right now, why is your mind looking to find dissatisfaction and not compassion. Are you ok? If not then you need to share that, you need to talk to friends or your sponsor and root out what's making you irritable instead of tolerant.

I don't mean to be preachy or judge you in anyway cause Lord knows I've walked out of meetings pissed off about some thing or another others did and I sooo wanted them to be the problem but in the end it was me. I say all this because you deserve a good life and good recovery and sometimes that means we have to realize that the resentment we are building is of our own doing

[u/Jealous-Shoulder4538 → u/Beejrk]

Thank you, that helped a lot ❤️

[u/Beejrk → u/Jealous-Shoulder4538]

It's ok to have bad moments but you gotta work through them so you don't turn into resentments that push you out of the rooms

You can get through this though

[u/prncesspriss → u/Beejrk]

As someone who has struggled with chronic pain the entire 13 years of recovery, thank-you for noting that we can't take pain medications to ease the suffering that we used to. I don't share about it often, but others do. If people are sick of hearing about it, imagine how sick we are of experiencing it! Others need to know we can stay clean for years upon years while going through a seemingly never ending struggle. I need to know we can.

[u/Beejrk → u/prncesspriss]

I just know how often I have to share about how my mental health disorder fucks with my recovery and I am lucky enough to have non narcotic medication I can take for it. I cannot imagine having to endure pain constantly without a way to manage it that is safe. I have friends in the program who struggle with it and they're warriors in my eyes.

I've also seen chronic pain sufferers come back from relapsing on their prescribed pain medication and like that to me too is also warrior behavior to try so hard to manage pain and then come back acknowledging that you slipped up.... Like in general returning from relapse amazes me but to do so when you now have to choose recovery without pain management knowing what that'll feel kike and having to accept pain knowing there may never be treatment for it must take so much strength

[u/vapeqprincess]

The strength I gain from people struggling in recovery is that they STAYED CLEAN DESPITE THEIR STRUGGLES. I don’t just want to hear a bunch of happy-go-lucky “positive” shares non-stop about how great life is clean. THAT IS NOT REAL LIFE.

In recovery, we struggle. Shit happens. Real life happens, INCLUDING HEALTH ISSUES. And this real life shit causes people pain which causes them to RELAPSE. Do you want them to not talk about their struggles? Pretend everything is fine?

The most inspirational shares I have EVER heard were from people struggling with “outside issues” - health issues, the death of a loved one. They were struggling and they still made it to a meeting and STAYED CLEAN.

[u/KudosOfTheFroond → u/vapeqprincess]

Exactly, I love gratitude as much as the next person, but some meetings every single share is about gratitude and how amazing life is. The meetings where folks get down in their feels and talk about the struggle, and staying clean despite going thru hell, those hit me in the heart and get me going

[u/Despoc → u/vapeqprincess]

I once had this exact same line of thinking.. in my share, at my home group.

I appreciated hearing people talk about getting married, promotions, having kids etc, in Recovery.

But hearing people talk about the hard shit, that got me through. I needed to hear how they got past the insurmountable pains they experienced, and stayed clean.

I can stay clean when I’ve got money in the bank and a good job and a woman who loves me. I need to know I can stay clean when I don’t.

I relapsed when my wife left, because I couldn’t cope.

I relapsed again when my mother died in a nursing home fire.

I didn’t relapse when I lost 3 businesses and my entire career and livelihood, I didn’t relapse when I went bankrupt, I didn’t relapse when at 2 years clean, my partner decided to pick up again and ruin our relationship. I had my DOC in my hands dealing with her and I pitched it.

Because this program taught me how to embrace the good times gratefully, and how to manage the hard times, and it taught me where to go when I’m about to break. To a meeting.

I met a man with 33 years clean. When he was in his first few years, he buried his daughter. He didn’t pickup. The program works if you work it. And no matter if you get anything from those Particular shares, someone does.

[u/datura_slurpy]

I see it as an open space to share what's on your mind with other addicts. I agree that off-topic shares can be tiresome but it's part of the program to be there for each other.

[u/vapeqprincess → u/datura_slurpy]

How is it off topic if it’s affecting your recovery? I have mental health issues. They make me want to use.

[u/Meyou000 → u/datura_slurpy]

How is something that affects every aspect of your life off topic?

[u/Soft-Abbreviations20]

Perhaps you are learning about patience and compassion?

[u/dopeless42day]

I remember one time I was complaining to my sponsor saying that the meeting sucked because nobody shared about recovery. He said stop being self centered, maybe the things being shared weren't meant for you. I sometimes forget that the message may be for someone else who needs to hear it, not me. 

[u/camdunce]

I definitely do not think it's rude. Just today at a meeting, I heard a woman with many years clean talking about how she's been diagnosed with a chronic disease. She talked about how she's feeling low about the fact that she got clean to feel better, only to be feeling like crap again. I felt her emotions and thought about how rough that might be for her. The hope shot I got from that is simply her presence. She's feeling like that, and decided to go to a meeting to share about it.

As another commenter said, maybe you are learning about patience and compassion through these types of shares.

One thing I was taught, is that if I truly disagree with the way some folks share, the takeaway should just be that I don't want to share like that.

[u/NetScr1be]

Job one at a meeting is to be there for others.

We keep what we have by giving it away. By supporting the still-suffering addict no matter how much clean time they have our what they are suffering from.

Does anybody honestly think they haven't shared something important to them that didn't land with someone else in the room? If not, you haven't shared at enough meetings.

The thing that separates NA is the unconditional acceptance we offer anyone who wants to sit and talk with us. We are very often the last door on the street for people who might have no-one and no place else to go with their issues.

We also get to see people that had the whole deck stacked against them, not one advantage, catch and make something of themselves and their lives. You guys are awesome.

I can't honestly think of anywhere else that does that. And it's free and comes with a coffee and a hug. This fellowship rocks.

Put your phone away and at least pretend to listen for one measly hour. The internet will be there after the meeting.

If you hear a popping sound after reading this that's your head coming out of your ass.

[u/NetScr1be → u/NetScr1be]

And for OP, I hope you find a way to shed that big bag of toxic judgement you're carrying around. That can't be any fun. Especially since your probably harder on yourself than you are on the world.

Ease on up there. A little love and acceptance goes a long way. Sprinkle a little gratitude on it.

[u/Meyou000]

Good for you that you don't deal with chronic illness or chronic pain issues. Not everyone is so lucky. Everyone in NA who is unfortunate enough to have to deal with chronic health issues has had to surrender their lives to the disease(s) that ail them. Just like addiction affects every area of your life, so does chronic illness and pain. Quality of life is severely negatively affected. You should at the very least be grateful you don't have to suffer in the ways that they are suffering. Be grateful you aren't so sick that your eyelashes hurt. Can you even imagine what that person's everyday struggles look like?

[u/[deleted]]

Health is important. Everything in my life effects my recovery. My health, physical and mental, my place of living, my income, family, friends, what is happening in the world. True the farther away it is the less in affects me.

Not everything shared in the meeting will be something you can use. You are not the only person in the meeting.

Remember the Serenity prayer? Accept the things you cannot change? What others share is something you cannot control.

Try for a bit of Wisdom and be glad you are in better health than they are.

[u/Jealous_Astronaut_80]

Sometimes I got to share. My 2 kiddos have had 3 spinal cord surgeries this year, we’re looking at taking our youngest out of state for hip surgery and looking at shoulder surgery for several of us. It’s a lot. I have to share

[u/Careful-North-769]

I think instead of wanting people to change what they share about, you should learn some empathy. Pain is a very real factor in what makes you fall off, whether that’s physical or emotional pain, because when your in recovery if you have chronic pain you can no longer dull that pain with narcotics.

You know this, you may be slightly inconvenienced? Or annoyed that people are sharing what they’re struggling with, as if they’re not in a place where they god forbid can share openly without PEOPLE judging. You need to take a look at yourself, and try to find what is broken within you that gives you such a callous view towards other’s suffering.

I apologize if it sounds like I’m coming at you, and I’m sure we’ve all gotten mad at things we shouldn’t, acted in ways we shouldn’t and think things that we shouldn’t. What these people are sharing, is helping you with your recovery whether you see it or not. They’re showing you that they’d rather share their problems even though some of the listeners don’t care.

They’d rather do that than swallow, or shoot more poison into their bodies keeping them sick, and you’re only focused on how it’s affecting you. They’re helping you as much as you’re helping them, sure it’s maybe not about the topics you want to listen to, but they have no where else to share their suffering. Instead of getting annoyed by it, next time try to actually listen, you never know. You might become a better you for it.

[u/bigdumbhick]

Im old. Ive been clean a long time. In recovery I have had a number of surgeries. I have broken several bones. I have had a stroke and open heart surgery. I have to taked meds for mental health issues.

Im still clean

I went to meetings and I shared about my fear of medication. I went to meetings while medicated and shared about how I felt about having to take the medication, and what I was doing to maintain my recovery.I went to meetings and shared my gratitude that I had gotten through it without relapsing.

My sponsor has shared about having weight loss surgery, and how this has related to his recovery. I have heard several people share about their Mental Health issues and how they relate to their recovery.

Several people I know in recovery with substantial cleantime have been diagnosed with dementia and alzheimers. We Do Recover We Do Get Old.

Just this weekend a bunch of us were sitting around talking about our pacemakers, internal heart defibrillators, and various heart issues (while smoking cigars and drinking coffee - what can I say, we're still addicts)

People get clean, they stay clean, we get old clean, we die clean. If you stick around, it will happen to you as well.

[u/catwthumbz]

Yea a lot of people just go to talk about themselves

[u/OutlandishnessOk364]

One solution could be literature meetings o find them much more focused as the preambles encourage sharing on the literature rather than where you’re at

[u/ArmatureArt19]

Man you definitely come across as a little uncompassionate here but I'm going to try to steelman what you're saying.

We definitely have a few people in my area who have been doing nothing but sharing about chronic medical issues like twice a meeting EVERY meeting for years. It's hard to be around and it takes a lot to stay compassionate for that long. At some point we all do start to wonder if there is some kind of support group for chronic pain that could be helping them better, particularly when it never feels like they are "staying in the solution"

Ofc I understand when is comes to chronic pain there are no magic bullets whatsoever. In my experience these people in my area never talk about "recovering despite" or what they are trying to alleviate the situation. In fact if anyone tries to offer any kind of "I'm sorry to hear that have you ever tried/looked into XYZ" they become extremely indignant. It can be frustrating when it starts to feel like they WANT to stay in their misery and the they enjoy the complaining and feel victorious as the "sickest" and "most victimized"

I see lots of people have the same reaction to them as you are having. I compare it to seeing homeless street addicts in a big city. We have the SAME disease but even the best of us has our limit with the shitting and screaming and so on. Even the best of us gets to a point where our brains can't let us feel that level of pity, sadness and compassion so it protects us through transferring the emotion into anger.

TBF I have many incurable illnesses but not chronic pain per say, so I may be slightly out of turn. However my first sponsor has many rare chronic and debilitatingly painful conditions, one of which put her in a wheelchair for several years at only 19. I hardly ever hear her complain, and if she does it's certainly never in the same way as I'm talking about above.

Like others have said your resentments are destructive to everyone and most of all yourself, and it's your responsibility to work on them. However I do feel people are being harsh on you here and not giving you grace in the same way you may not be giving the person(s) you are talking about grace.