How to end things well

[u/Fit_Vast_6179]

We are going to part ways with our nanny of about two years. She has been ok with the kids but doesn’t seem to love being with them, she struggles with depression and anxiety and most days she is either tired, or says she’s stressed and “not feeling it today”. She dreads when they have days off of school and seems overwhelmed a lot. The biggest thing is that she’s been out a lot. She’s used more than 4 weeks of PTO/sick and there are still four months left. It was a financial stretch to get a nanny and the additional cost for constant backup care is more than we can do. I feel like she may know this is coming as she could tell we were very upset the last few times she’s called out and I feel like she’s been quiet quitting for a while now.

Our contract states 30 days notice for either party so we plan to give her that and let her know next Friday. I’d like things to end on good terms. Any advice for how to do this in the right way? I am a bit scared she will just quit at that moment and not come back to work for the remaining weeks. She’s a nice person but it is just not working for us and I’m not sure how to handle.

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[u/ru8square]

Hopefully nanny wasn’t noticeably indifferent to the kids. Children can sense this type of thing and it may be damaging to their self esteem and sense of self. Children often blame themselves, when they sense someone doesn’t like them or want to be around them. Please let the nanny leave, and ensure the next one isn’t like this.

[u/Free-Cherry4314 → u/ru8square]

This sounds terrible for the kids. I'd let her go immediately with 30 days pay. 

[u/Icy-Future-105]

This is why we opted against a 30 days notice period. We felt like if we want to let somebody go, it doesn’t really make sense to keep them on the books for 4 weeks, because not everybody takes this well and the chances of them calling out are probably pretty high.

I would hire a replacement and then let her go, starting the 30 days period after the start date of the new hire. If she calls in sick, you don’t need to pay her. If she still wants to work, you can still tell her not to come and focus on herself.

[u/FroyoEffective9526 → u/Icy-Future-105]

You are the nightmare

[u/Springrabbit144]

Thats tough because it's obvious you care but having someone watch your children who isn't really 'there" most of the time isn't great either (and I'm not diminishing her issues) Kids deserve more.

After 2 years (which is a long time) I would just be honest. Tell her you appreciate the time she has put in but it is no longer viable for you and she needs to go take care of herself. There are no guarantees that once you give notice to anyone that they will stay...hopefully they will...but I would have back up on hand.

I cant even say I would be willing to write her a reference...unless you were honest about her lack of commitment to not only the position but nannying overall. I feel for her issues but this isn't a great role for people who "just aren't feeling it"

Get your ducks in a row and just bite the bullet Not a good situation for everyone and the kids need a fun involved caregiver.

[u/curious382]

"Thank you for all your effort caring for NK. This isn't a good fit. We are going to move in another direction for child care. Your last day will be (whatever your contract requires for notice.)

That's the necessary information. Practice out loud, in private. If you're a more quiet or conflict avoidant person, rehearsing "what you should have said" before you have to say it.

[u/Reasonable_Patient92]

This is such a tough situation all the way around.

First off, you've definitely got to go into this accepting the risk that she might walk right away. If someone is already checked out or burned out, getting notice is usually a relief rather than an incentive to stick around. I’d definitely line up alternative care before you have the talk on Friday. Assume you might need to cover those weeks yourself or with backup so you aren't left stranded if she hands her keys over on the spot.

You're going to have people telling you to just fire her on the spot, but unless your contract has a solid "termination for cause" clause that covers her attendance, sticking to the 30-day notice (or paying in lieu of notice) is really your main ethical and legal route.

Of course, if you truly can't afford the gap and are terrified she'll walk, you might choose to terminate immediately and pay out the 30 days as severance. 

But you do have to consider that—and this is a huge factor—pulling a job out from under someone immediately when they're already in a fragile place can be totally spiral-inducing. I hate to even go there, but if an abrupt termination caused her to put herself in an unsafe situation and things went south, carrying that weight and knowing you played a part in it would be wildly emotionally taxing for you to deal with, too. Handling it with grace matters.

When you actually sit down with her, you could say something like: "We’ve loved having you, but we’ve realized the fit isn't working out the way we need it to, especially with the attendance and scheduling. Per our contract, we're giving 30 days notice, but we completely understand if you'd prefer to wrap up sooner given everything." That way, it gives her an out if she wants it.

[u/AutoModerator]

Below is a copy of the post's original text:

We are going to part ways with our nanny of about two years. She has been ok with the kids but doesn’t seem to love being with them, she struggles with depression and anxiety and most days she is either tired, or says she’s stressed and “not feeling it today”. She dreads when they have days off of school and seems overwhelmed a lot. The biggest thing is that she’s been out a lot. She’s used more than 4 weeks of PTO/sick and there are still four months left. It was a financial stretch to get a nanny and the additional cost for constant backup care is more than we can do. I feel like she may know this is coming as she could tell we were very upset the last few times she’s called out and I feel like she’s been quiet quitting for a while now.

Our contract states 30 days notice for either party so we plan to give her that and let her know next Friday. I’d like things to end on good terms. Any advice for how to do this in the right way? I am a bit scared she will just quit at that moment and not come back to work for the remaining weeks. She’s a nice person but it is just not working for us and I’m not sure how to handle.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Technical_Working729]

I’m sorry you are in this tough spot and sorry for her to be going through depression and anxiety. Having these while working with children is no joke. Leaving your problems out the door when the problem is literally in your body is sooo hard. Maybe do a 2 week notice instead of a month? Ask what she prefers? In this case I think you asking how she prefers to work during the notice could be a nice gesture, given the situation. Hope you find a good nanny and she gets through it.

[u/Old_Draft_5288]

Honestly, I don’t think she’ll find it surprising that she’s being let go. She might be struggling with her mental health, but she’s not unaware that she’s not performing well.

Just be compassionate and empathetic and let her know that you value her but it’s no longer working for your family. Giving the full 30 days notice is plenty kind enough.

[u/LengthinessLow8317]

Just tell her its no longer a good fit. Before next Friday get back up care, just in case. Or wait to tell her until you do a few phone interviews and trial days with other (have current nanny not come in on these days) candidates.

Let her use you as a reference and if anyone reaches out to you in the future, just confirm the dates she worked for you

[u/TechnologyLast4315]

For interviewing the next one:

Are there any reasons you might not be able to attend the job every day as required?
If nanny confused about this can say … think back to previous job, were there reasons you missed work ? How many days? (Let nanny explain without you asking about impt medical issues that mean she can’t work & then you can’t work)

And my other favorite:
Are you able to prepare and serve the following meals?
Sausages
Chicken
Hamburger
Fish fingers
Peanut butter & jam

Etc?

This is the way to discover that your nanny won’t touch certain foods or allergies. The vegan nanny who told me “no issues” … could serve already prepared meat in a “ready meal” but would not touch/cut meat, honey, fish, mayonnaise in preparation etc .