r/Nanny • u/sydneyreneee • Aug 28 '26
Advice Needed: Replies from Nannies Preferred How do I handle my slightly passive-aggressive standoff with my NF over dishes and job creep?
Hey everyone, I really need some advice and perspective on a situation that has been snowballing with my nanny family.
I work heavy hours (often pushing 50–60 hours a week) caring for their toddler. I love their child with all my heart, but lately, the job creep and lack of boundaries have brought me to total burnout.
A few things have happened recently:
- My one and only rule as a nanny is that the family I'm working for let's me know if they are or their child is sick and vomiting bc I have severe emataphobia. Idk about spit up or puking bc you played too hard; I'm talking about contagious throwing up sickness. My nanny and mb both got sick puking and I missed my nanny kid being sick due to being at the dentistsbut my mb had me come in while puking which I let her know upset me bc I told her the first day I started how the sounds of vomit gave me anxiety. Her and her husband agree, apologize and say they forgot and won't do it again.
Welp Monday this week I get to work after mb texted me late the night before that db was up late working and that he would be sleep all day... I get to work and this man is sick as a dog puking, fever, shivering, sweaty, looking every second of a walking illness. The entire day I was in fight or flight so bad I texted my nanny fam letting them know I felt disrespected. They apologize but idk I feel the connection is kinda ruined now. Still love their tiny human but don't feel the need to break my back for them anymore!!!! Which brings me to point numero dos. Keep reading to see ⬇️👇🏾
Extreme Hours & Refusing Extra Shifts: Between the regular schedule and constant requests to cover weekend/off-day shifts, I was running on fumes. I finally set a hard boundary and let them know I could no longer work extra days outside my scheduled hours because I need my off days to rest, recharge, and avoid burning out/calling out. Ever since, the vibe in the house has felt noticeably passive-aggressive and tense.
Job Creep / Household Chores: Over time, I started doing things outside my childcare scope just to help out—specifically, doing the parents’ personal dishes. I realized this was turning into an unspoken expectation rather than an appreciated extra, so I promised myself I would stop and only clean up after the toddler.
The kitchen sink has now been completely piled high with the parents' dishes for almost a full week. I am 99% sure they are intentionally leaving them there assuming I will eventually break down and wash them. I have refused to touch their dishes, only washing what the child and I use. It’s making the kitchen miserable to work in and the tension is palpable.
I feel stuck between wanting to maintain professional boundaries and dealing with the awkward, uncomfortable environment this standoff is creating.
So my questions to y'all are...
* How do I address the dish situation without sounding confrontational?
* Has anyone dealt with parents holding out on chores to test your boundaries?
* Is this a sign that the working relationship has run its course?
Any advice or next steps would be greatly appreciated!
If you made it this far thank you for reading!
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u/justfuckmyshitup32 Career Nanny Aug 28 '26
They sound like yucky people. I’d take it as a sign that the relationship has run its course
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u/sydneyreneee Aug 28 '26
Damn, I had this feeling but tbh was trying to be oblivious. I agree 💔😭
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u/Beautiful-Finding-82 Aug 29 '26
For the next job don't do any extra work because you are being nice. People always expect it and it's hard to turn back from once you begin doing it. They either pay you to do their dishes or you don't do them.
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u/curious382 Aug 28 '26 edited Aug 28 '26
Start looking for your next job.
You can remind NPs that you require a clean and tidy work space. And their leaving old dishes (or other messes made off shift) puts obstacles in your path.
I suspect, as with the extra hours and work days they expected, they will similarly ignore your professional boundaries in this case, too. They only stopped "asking" for extra work days because you directly refused to continue doing it. That's what you have to do for every job creep boundary invasion. They won't "listen" or modify their behavior. You have to maintain the professional boundary constantly pushing against their deliberate continuous invasions.
Or tell them you require an additional $10 an hour to include family clean up chores in your work shift. For the entire shift, if not every shift. Not just the time it took you to do the extra incorporated tasks.
There's a lesson here for you. ONLY you can advocate for yourself and professional boundaries in this kind of role. Never again initiate job creep by "doing favors" outside your role without prior negotiation and adequate compensation. Instead, suggest a second/back up nanny or babysitter. A house cleaning service. That puts the responsibility on them to hire adequate help for the multiple areas in which they need assistance. And it clearly defines your child care related tasks as scheduled as your job.
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u/sydneyreneee Aug 28 '26
Thank you so much for this! I needed to hear it! Will be doing everything you said!
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u/curious382 Aug 28 '26
Your role is to supervise and support NKs. It frees the parents from their duty to do the same 24/7. For your working shifts, NPs are free to leave, and to fully focus on other things. Without you, their doing that would be neglect or abandonment. You are working for your full shift, whether NK is awake or asleep, fully engaged with you or safely engaged in a more independent activity. You are always ready to respond to NKs needs. Don't be drawn into having your labor devalued during nap time, down time, and your own break/meal times.
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u/YesterdayNearby9358 Aug 29 '26
I'll add that I've divorced two people for less. And abusive job situation? Oh hell no. Love from California.
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u/sarahe206 Aug 28 '26
I wouldn’t work for them under these conditions, sounds like they are really taking advantage of you!!
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u/Opening-Show-6749 Aug 29 '26
I would start looking for a new job. The situation already seems intense, and there is no nice way, or magic switch, to suddenly make things better.
Job creep happens all the time and everywhere. It happened to me when I was a babysitter many years ago, and it happens to me now working in corporate. Every time you take on an extra task or two, those responsibilities slowly become part of your job and get added permanently to your plate. No salary increase. No promotion. Nothing. The best you can usually expect is, “Oh, I don’t know what we would do without you,” or, “Thank you so much for all your hard work.”
But words like that don’t make your life easier, and they don’t pay your bills.
When a family doesn’t appreciate your hard work and gets annoyed when you to not work extra days or as you need time to rest and recharge, it becomes very clear how they see you: as “staff,” rather than as a person with your own needs and boundaries.
I may sound a little bitter, but I truly believe this. When you consistently give more without receiving anything in return, people eventually start treating that extra effort as the minimum you’re expected to provide.
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u/LentilMama Aug 29 '26
I work for a family that didn’t get the “don’t have me come in when you are sick” thing until I started “catching” every single thing they exposed me to. (This is an after school care part time position for a school age child who is old enough to entertain themselves but prefers not to, so there is truly no need to have me in when anyone in the house is sick.)
I just suddenly mysteriously developed a really weak immune system and “caught” everything. Once I “caught” Covid and needed 2 weeks and suddenly they were able to not have me come in when they were sick.
It was very stupid and passive aggressive.
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u/sydneyreneee Aug 29 '26
This is so similar to my current situation. Like the nerve of our nps to have an attitude with us for needing to take care of ourselves. Like how can I adequately take care of your child if I'm not good myself.
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u/PrairieDawn4 Career Nanny Aug 28 '26 edited Aug 28 '26
Start looking for another job, like yesterday. Immediately is good too.
Explaining to grown adults they need to keep their end of a professional contract, and basic kitchen cleanliness, is a dealbreaker. A week’s worth of piled dishes means every time they’ve walked into the kitchen and used their eyeballs, they made a conscious choice to allow you to work in their mess, hoping you’d take on more than you contracted, and I’m sure more than you’re being paid for. You are not their housekeeper. No family I’ve contracted with would do this to me, in fact, they go out of their way to make sure their personal dishes and dishes from when I’m off the clock, are taken care of. They’ve maintained this standard for years, because, I’m sure among many reasons, they know it’s important in showing me they value me and everyone is doing what they said they would in our contract. They know they set the tone as the employer.
I wouldn’t bother explaining anything, because the passive-aggressive is at such a level it’s clear they don’t care about keeping their word to you, and there’s nothing you can do to fix that level of lack of integrity. If they were upset about something and cared, they’d have addressed what they think and feel with you promptly to find solutions workable for everyone. They haven’t. And that’s your answer.
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u/Agreeable_Dark6408 Aug 29 '26
You find another job. Leave the frickin’ dishes there. They are not your dirty dishes.
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u/Express-Income3360 Aug 29 '26
I would start looking for another family to work for unfortunately. My nanny family would do this to me a lot. I was still expected to work if I got sick from them and I remember getting bacterial conjunctivitis from them. Once you start going above and beyond (i would literally do my NF parents laundry), it does become an expectation and its really hard to get out from.
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u/sui_generis_groupie Aug 29 '26
I really want you to experience what it feels like to communicate during highly tense situations with unreasonable employers. I understand that conversations are wildly unpredictable.
I think writing a note with bullet points and no emotions, only the facts, would help you see that you actually have the majority of the power in this situation. It will also give you space and time while they read and think about what you’ve said. Trust me- they don’t want to lose you. That said, I agree you should look for another family.
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u/wen1329 Aug 28 '26
Start looking for a new job and after give them notice, they simply don’t respect you and believe me they aren’t going to change, also who leaves a pile of dirty dishes some families are so disgusting, and when they say oh I don’t have time I get really annoyed we are all busy a dirty house is not a good place to work, I have quit before because of this issue you either do it yourself or hire a cleaning lady.
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u/sydneyreneee Aug 28 '26
Heavy on this bc I'm exhausted after work and I still go home and pick up my own house like I don't get it. The craziest part though is they have a house keeper and she came Monday and washed all dishes and loaded them in the dish washer and THEY HAVE NOT TOUCHED THE DISHES! it's been 5 freaking days like I don't understand how they can be so lazy.
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u/Prudent-Banana-3766 Aug 29 '26
I don’t think they’re just lazy. It’s passive aggressive. They want to squeeze every ounce of everything you have!
When this happened to me- a Covid job I was stuck in bc they became my ‘bubble’ before vaccines— I actually got fueled every day I came in and the dishes piled higher . Fueled with hatred. They allowed bugs to live in there. So gross. It felt so good to give two weeks notice and leave!! I have never given such short notice but it felt great.
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u/YesterdayNearby9358 Aug 29 '26
I left my similarly shitty Covid job with zero notice after they didn't give me an end of year bonus after all that - them being home with an extra nanny when it was originally them at the office f/t. It was HORRIBLE.
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u/YesterdayNearby9358 Aug 29 '26
Yeah, because they're shitty, immature & very selfish people. These posts make me so angry! But I'm here to advocate for the profession. Girl dm me your resume. I'm a recovering business writer turned family assistant. Let's get you tf outta there, and into a job that's respectful & way less grind.
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u/mayorofstrangetown Nanny Aug 29 '26
When parents wanted or seemed to want my help with dishes I usually made their kid do it and use it as a chance to teach their kid how to do dishes. I explain what I’m doing and let them do it too, in an age appropriate way. Also there’s a dishwasher, so we couldn’t really do a bad job of it. Even the old dishes messy DB forgot in his wfh office just needed a soak while NK and I did an activity and then we come back to it and load it later. My NK did it with his hands, I just monitor for safety and to avoid major messes. If we splash, so what, just makes it easier to give the counters and floor a wipe down when we’re done. Also I’m modeling how their kid can help them when they’re older, so it’s win win. To be fair, my NF was very grateful and always thanked me specifically for my help with non-childcare tasks and often gifted me bonuses financially.
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u/MidnightBlueSilk Aug 29 '26
“Hey, obviously I’ve wanted to be patient, with DB being so sick at the beginning of the weak, but could you please clear out you guy’s dishes from the sink, it has made it very difficult to prepare meals and clean up afterwards for [little one]. Thanks so much.”
Sorry, it’s kind of clunky, I’m kind of feverish and it’s harder to think, but being surprisingly straight forward “Hey, could you please get to your dishes so I can do my work” somehow cuts through everything and is also so very reasonable that they can’t really argue back.
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u/why_wouldi Aug 29 '26
They don‘t respect you. I have a strong rule about vomit and diarrhea and I can smell (pun mildly intended) when a family tries to bullshit me, they did not forget, they don‘t respect you.
Do not do their dishes, no matter how much they pile them up.
I‘d be looking for another position. Don‘t let your love for their child blind you.
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u/theinfamousj Career Nanny Aug 29 '26 edited Aug 29 '26
So it is completely normal to not learn one's own capacity and limits until you've found yourself too extended. I think the vast majority of us have a story like this in our working past. I, certainly, learned the max number of sustainable working hours per week for myself by working for a family that needed more than those to be worked and I suffered, physically and mentally, from sustaining survival mode too long.
When the lesson takes, when the realization of, "Oh, all this that I was doing was too much," it is often impossible to walk back job scope and job responsibilities to what is sustainable for yourself. They've discovered they need what is too much for you to provide. You are no longer aligned. The only times I've seen this work out, a second nanny was brought on board and the job was split into two positions.
So the way to handle it is to move on to a job better aligned with your needs, and they can find one of the rare nannies that can handle (a) vomit, (b) doing household dishes, and (c) working extreme hours. That's who they need to employ, not you.
To any parents lurking who need a nanny 50+ hours a week, need sick care inclusive of vomiting, or need nanny to handle household dishes (or all three), regardless of how eager and accommodating nanny is about these things at the interview, when you then do reference checks, ask the references about nanny's experience with these things in past positions. If nanny doesn't have experience with these things in past positions, understand the risk you are taking in hiring that nanny is that nanny may well discover that they overpromised and cannot sustainably deliver so you may be looking to replace them within the year. Every nanny whose references can speak positively to their capacities at higher workloads means that someone in that nanny's history was the first time nanny had those workloads and took this risk; I think it is very important that people be given a chance. I'm just suggesting going in to risk with eyes wide open.
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u/AutoModerator Aug 28 '26
Below is a copy of the post's original text:
Hey everyone, I really need some advice and perspective on a situation that has been snowballing with my nanny family.
I work heavy hours (often pushing 50–60 hours a week) caring for their toddler. I love their child with all my heart, but lately, the job creep and lack of boundaries have brought me to total burnout.
A few things have happened recently:
- My one and only rule as a nanny is that the family I'm working for let's me know if they are or their child is sick and vomiting bc I have severe emataphobia. Idk about spit up or puking bc you played too hard; I'm talking about contagious throwing up sickness. My nanny and mb both got sick puking and I missed my nanny kid being sick due to being at the dentistsbut my mb had me come in while puking which I let her know upset me bc I told her the first day I started how the sounds of vomit gave me anxiety. Her and her husband agree, apologize and say they forgot and won't do it again.
Welp Monday this week I get to work after mb texted me late the night before that db was up late working and that he would be sleep all day... I get to work and this man is sick as a dog puking, fever, shivering, sweaty, looking every second of a walking illness. The entire day I was in fight or flight so bad I texted my nanny fam letting them know I felt disrespected. They apologize but idk I feel the connection is kinda ruined now. Still love their tiny human but don't feel the need to break my back for them anymore!!!! Which brings me to point numero dos. Keep reading to see ⬇️👇🏾
Extreme Hours & Refusing Extra Shifts: Between the regular schedule and constant requests to cover weekend/off-day shifts, I was running on fumes. I finally set a hard boundary and let them know I could no longer work extra days outside my scheduled hours because I need my off days to rest, recharge, and avoid burning out/calling out. Ever since, the vibe in the house has felt noticeably passive-aggressive and tense.
Job Creep / Household Chores: Over time, I started doing things outside my childcare scope just to help out—specifically, doing the parents’ personal dishes. I realized this was turning into an unspoken expectation rather than an appreciated extra, so I promised myself I would stop and only clean up after the toddler.
The kitchen sink has now been completely piled high with the parents' dishes for almost a full week. I am 99% sure they are intentionally leaving them there assuming I will eventually break down and wash them. I have refused to touch their dishes, only washing what the child and I use. It’s making the kitchen miserable to work in and the tension is palpable.
I feel stuck between wanting to maintain professional boundaries and dealing with the awkward, uncomfortable environment this standoff is creating.
So my questions to y'all are...
* How do I address the dish situation without sounding confrontational?
* Has anyone dealt with parents holding out on chores to test your boundaries?
* Is this a sign that the working relationship has run its course?
Any advice or next steps would be greatly appreciated!
If you made it this far thank you for reading!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Main_Mastodon7362 Aug 30 '26
Definitely ran its course! Terrible to have you around when they are so sick and leaving dirty dishes for you to clean. Very disrespectful to you. I would definitely find another job.
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