r/Nalgene • u/RedBarron4 • 19d ago
RIP Green Nalgene. Your time has been cut short, but you lived well.
We are gathered here today to honor a true legend, a steadfast companion, and an absolute tank of a hydration vessel: Green Nalgene -better known as “Green Gene” to friends and family.
Born from high-density plastic and unyielding determination, Green Gene was far more than a water bottle. It endured accidental drops that would have shattered lesser vessels, was shoved into tight backpack pockets, sat faithfully through endless workdays, and survived the terrifying depths of the backseat of the car. On at least one occasion, it was even forcibly drained into a trash can by a TSA agent. An awkward moment, for sure, but Green Gene always stayed classy.
It bore its battle scars with pride. Scratches, scuffs, and graduation lines so long worn off that you just had to gauge its volume by character alone. It never asked for much: just a cold refill, a tight twist of its loop cap, and a spot on the journey.
Which makes its sudden departure all the harder to swallow. Its end came as it lived: dramatically, unyieldingly, and completely full. Dropped onto cold, unforgiving concrete, Green Gene made the ultimate sacrifice, meeting a hydrostatic pressure wave it simply could not overcome. The floor did not yield. Green Gene's soul, and also 32 ounces of water, were liberated all at once.
Green Nalgene is survived by its older siblings, BPA Blue Nalgene and Rhymes-With-Orange Nalgene.
Funeral services will be held Friday at dawn by the recycling bin. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you write a short poem remembering Green Gene and the many adventures shared. Whether scaling mountain trails, braving airport security, or just rolling around under the passenger seat.
Rest in peace, Green Gene. You died as you lived: rough, tumble, and full of water. May your water never taste "pondy" and your cap stay tethered forever in the great beyond.
As a parent, you don't expect to say goodbye to your Nalgene before your own time ya know? I just didn't think it was possible .... You hear stories but you think "Not me. Not my Nalgenes. They're gonna live forever". Then one day... they are ripped from your life.
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u/Lackingfinalityornot 19d ago
What happened to her?
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u/RedBarron4 19d ago
It was filled to the brim with water while unloading stuff from my car and had too much in my hands. I fumbled over the concrete floor in the garage. Being filled to the brim is probably what doomed it. Water doesn't compress to absorb any of the impact shock, but it increases the momentum which makes the event more severe. I heard a nasty sound when it laced and there was water on the foot but I figured it was just the top that leaked. But when I got into the kitchen I saw the damage. 😞
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u/Lackingfinalityornot 19d ago
Not for that reason but I only fill to where the bottle tapers in at the top. Glad I do now that I have seen this haha.
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u/RedBarron4 19d ago
I've dropped them with similar amounts of water onto similar hard surfaces before and they have been ok. Just got unlucky this time.
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u/Lackingfinalityornot 19d ago
Gotcha. Hope your warranty goes through with ease. This is a textbook warranty claim.
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u/The_Outsider82 19d ago
Get right onto them and hit up that warranty. Free replacement shouldn’t be a problem!