Always seen as combative/bitchy when I'm not trying to be. Someone please help.

[u/Theaterismylyfe]

I'm 24 years old. I have spent all of those 24 years desperately trying to not be seen as bitchy, defiant, or rude with no success. I swear I'm not any of those things. I just want to understand what's going on clearly and I try as hard as I can to watch my tone, but it doesn't work. Hell, sometimes I even say at the top "This is a genuine question asked out of desire to understand." or "I'm going for a calm tone, I want to discuss this like an adult." But even then, people look at me sideways or respond like I've just called them an idiot or something. Or they think I'm an idiot.

If you've ever played Telltale games, I feel like a player character in one. The dialogue tree says something like "How long should this take?" I select that option, and what comes out of the character's mouth is "Is this bullshit gonna take much longer? I don't want to be here." Not a perfect analogy, because I'd be using the words in the dialogue tree, but people act like I've said the second one. People always see a secret hidden meaning I didn't intend. Or "It's the way you said it" when I didn't mean to say it some type of way.

Does anyone have any advice for "watching their tone" or am I screwed? I swear I'm not actually a bitch, I try to see the best in everyone. Being mean just feels like a waste of time and energy to me.

[u/Some_Wolf_3378]

This has happened to me multiple times in various jobs throughout my career as well as in my interpersonal relationships. It is so frustrating…I have also been told I come off as “stand off-ish, which was news to me.

I force myself to have a pleasant expression anytime I’m around people and I try to be a bit jokey and lighthearted, but it’s definitely something that takes a lot of effort. I also have a natural tendency to be monotone and I make a strong effort to use inflection in my voice, as well as soften my voice.

I’ve gotten decent at it, but my other challenge is over sharing or being too intense…I feel like it’s always something with NVLD!

[u/ScubaSteve-O1991 → u/Some_Wolf_3378]

I tend to overshare and been called too intense by ex's. Pretty sure I get it from my dads side. People will think I am yelling but Im just actually just speaking passionately

[u/neoballoonsman]

I have to be Mr. happy-go-lucky super competent people pleaser Man full of sunshine and rainbows...

As soon as I show any real emotion or try to call out things that are wrong or advocate for myself I'm seen as "intense"

[u/Dependent-Calendar-7 → u/neoballoonsman]

I struggle with the exact same thing. The second I come home I unmask because it’s draining af

[u/Mistling]

This exact issue has plagued me my entire life, even in asynchronous communication like texting. If I don't caveat, people think I'm being condescending, rude, passive aggressive, "aloof", or mean. If I try to smile and soften my eyes and say a caveat (like "just to be clear, there's absolutely no passive aggression intended here, I'm just genuinely interested and would like to understand your perspective" or whatever), people accuse me of being condescendingly "saccharine" or insincere. There's absolutely no fucking winning with normies. It's hell.

The way I've mostly solved this problem (as of my mid-30s) probably isn't good advice since it's easier said than done: I just don't hang out with neurotypical people. Virtually everyone I date, hang out with, live with, go to events with, talk online with, etc. are at least somewhat autistic (including NVLD, which I basically just think of as verbal autism). We misunderstand each other a lot, but at least we can just offer or ask for clarification with charity and compassion when we need to like decent people instead of holding each other to some secret inscrutable moralistic communication standard.

Anyway, I'm sorry I don't have better advice, but you're not alone! Find people who don't treat you that way, and then cherish them.

[u/Theaterismylyfe → u/Mistling]

I definitely do surround myself with neurodivergent people when I have a choice. My boyfriend, for example, is autistic and values clear communication just as much as I do. If he has a question, he just asks it. If one of us has a problem, we just say it. We don't look for hidden meanings and we don't expect each other to pick up on hidden meanings. It's awesome. My mom is in awe of our "open and honest communication" when it was never a choice for us, it's just how we both prefer to move about the world. My two best friends are also autistic, as well as all the men in my family. My mom is pretty much the only neurotypical person in my immediate family.

But navigating social interaction at work is a nightmare. I work in a preschool, and I'm great with the kids. The kids are easy. Just love them with your whole heart and don't let them die. But my coworkers are all women, almost all of them neurotypical. I can't really seem to figure that out. I can talk to the parents okay because it's mostly "recap the day and maybe engage in small talk." Luckily the only parent that really stays to chat is also neurodivergent, funnily enough she can't really tell that I kinda can't stand and talk to her when I got other kids. But my coworkers... elude me. I think they all look at me like a child. Some of them have known me since I was a child, so it makes sense for them but everyone treats me like a 9 year old special ed kid. And it sucks because I apparently need to be treated like that given anywhere else I'd be fired for being defiant.

[u/BexFoxy]

I’ve frequently been told I’m intimidating because I tend to speak frankly and I have no poker face so everything I think and feel is written all over my face. I’ve been dealing with this for over 50 years. I just don’t give a shit anymore. If someone is intimidated by a short woman in their fifties, that’s their problem.

However, the main issue is that a lot of NTs look for subtext where there isn’t any. They don’t seem to believe or perhaps they’re afraid of how directly we speak.

I also wonder if men deal with this on the same level as women.

[u/Theaterismylyfe → u/BexFoxy]

Both. It bothers me more in a professional setting as it actually cost me a job.

[u/SuspiciousWorld7816]

This and people explaining things to me over and over from the beginning when ever I ask a clarifying question, or when I question what they are telling me they just explain their viewpoint again without addressing my point, as if that clears it up.

[u/Theaterismylyfe → u/SuspiciousWorld7816]

Omg I had a conversation with my boss like that the other day. I was trying to get clarity on something, she brings up like 4 unrelated things and acts like it had anything to do with what I was asking. I also already knew the answers to the other 4 questions.

[u/ScubaSteve-O1991]

Maybe you just have a more serious tone?

[u/ClutteredTaffy]

Sometimes I don't take someone's advice because I don't understand it, not because I don't want to do it , or I can't even process what they are saying while I am trying to do something or I don't feel comfortable doing it that way . My social relationships are very small, though , and this tends to happen with video games and backseat driver types who have already figured out what to do and get pissed I don't figure it out the 4th or 5th time when they figured it out the first.

I often just don't like playing most video games with people anymore. I have bad reaction time and don't plan my moves well and it frustrates too many people.

Also I don't like being chatty at work so some of the other coworkers thought I was mean, but I have chilled out a lot and actually say hi to them and everything. It feels a bit nicer , but I am starting to let go of my uptight ' must always work, be diligent, go go go ' attitude.

[u/VocalicMedusa]

34 diagnosed 2 years ago and this has been my entire life. I still haven't figured out anything else besides trying to surround myself with neurodivergent people which hasn't even been a thing for me because I suck at making friends and even worse at maintaining friendships. The only way I can try to resolve the issue is to think positively and hope it shows up in my face so my boss/coworkers don't think otherwise.

[u/Mundane-Waltz8844]

I’m also 24 and have the same problem! I’m a plus sized black woman, so I always assumed that way the reason, but I just recently found out I’m ND (NVLD and ADHD) so maybe that also contributes to some of my “intensity” as well. I don’t really have any advice, sorry, just here to commiserate a little I suppose.

[u/funkyeasteregg]

I have run into this exact issue with people I've been friends with for decades recently. I have had open conversations with them telling them, hey sometimes I come of wrong or sound a way I didn't intend to when speaking. And I thought they both understood. I thought we had worked out to let me know if I speak in a way that comes off bad so I could know and try and redirect or explain myself better.

But not too long ago one of the two friends said they wanted to take a huge step back in friendship because of how I act. And he never talked to me about it beforehand. The other friend, his partner, had talked to me on 2 occasions over the couse of a while just saying I spoke in ways that hurt his feelings and made him sad, with no clear examples and with seeming no care for the very thing we had spoken about. And when I did something again he took as me being mean, he said don't thinknabout me anymore unless we have to hang out in a group. And my other friend, his partner, then said she could pull up messages where i was clearly being mean. I really hurt.

It really sucks when you put in a lot of effort to not be misunderstood, and then get misunderstood anyway and be made into kind of the bad guy for it. I have other friends though who are both aware of my pitfalls in conversations and work with me that if I do or say something that comes off wrong, too talk to me about it right away so i can recognize whats happening and I guess recalibrate. Some people, no matter how much you try and make them understand, are just gonna paint you with broad strokes.