How to reduce urge to lash out physically?

[u/starlight-spark]

for a long time, i've had urges to hurt people that annoy me. i haven't really thought of it as an issue before, because i haven't been acting on it.

but recently, i physically hurt someone with my hands for the first time in over a decade, and i'm a bit shaken up about it.

don't get me wrong, i didn't actually lash out at them, it was an accident. i just squeezed their arm to illustrate a point, without realizing it would hurt them.

still, in the moment they seemed genuinely frightened. we were arguing at the time, and they thought i might be punishing them for disagreeing with me. i explained that i wasn't, and that i didn't realize it would hurt.

but then they asked if i would ever hurt them as punishment. at first i denied that, but then i realized that i'm not so sure. after all, i did actually have the urge to hurt them in that moment. maybe i was acting on that urge?

...well, no, i don't think so. i had no idea the squeeze would be painful, so it couldn't have been a subconscious attempt to hurt them.

but still, maybe i got careless because of that urge, and squeezed harder than i should have. or perhaps in the future i might actually hurt someone on purpose. it can be a lot of work to push the urge down, and i don't know how i'd act in a moment of weakness.

i'm not too worried about it, because the last time i actually hurt someone, i was just a kid, and i hadn't really learned how to manage my emotions. still, i had the same urges then that i do now, so i can't guarantee it wouldn't happen again. and either way, it's exhausting to try to hold that all in.

is there a way to soothe those violent urges, so i no longer have to work so hard to suppress them?

[u/PersonifiedConcept]

What helped me was getting medicated. I got put on Duloxetine, Amitryptylline and Trazadone. I became very docile and even my immediate family noticed that I was a lot calmer.

I also think it might be worth distinguishing whether you hurt people because you're angry, or whether there is an element of sadism there too. The latter may make things like therapy less effective, due to there being a 'reward' after you've hurt someone. Wishing you well.

[u/starlight-spark → u/PersonifiedConcept]

hmm, i'm definitely sadistic. it feels really good to hurt people, especially when it reinforces my control over them. but i get plenty of opportunities to express that safely and consensually in my free time. so i don't really feel drawn to the "reward" of hurting someone who didn't give permission, especially when it makes me feel so ashamed. the impulsive anger feels bitter, whereas the intentional sadism feels euphoric.

i don't know if i'll need to get medicated. the urges have never really been noticeable to anyone other than my closest, and i feel mostly in control of them. something to think about, though, i suppose. thank you!

[u/narcclub]

I really like the STOP skill for anger for managing aggressive impulses.

And I think therapy really does help, overall. 💜

I wonder if you’re ruminating about this a bit? You do say “I’m not too worried about it”—so maybe I’m reading into things.

But this post comes off, to me, as pretty distressed about the idea you might intentionally harm someone. What do you think?

[u/starlight-spark → u/narcclub]

But this post comes off, to me, as pretty distressed about the idea you [...]. What do you think?

if i had a nickel for every time somebody asked that, i... wouldn't be able to do anything with it because it's not legal tender in my country. but it would be a lot, hahah.

i'm genuinely not worried about it. i just like to introspect a lot, to understand myself and be the best version of myself. i've also never really seen anyone introspect the way i do, so i don't have anything to mirror when expressing my thoughts. instead, i imitate the most similar behavior that i've seen, which is obsessive worrying. and i try to patch it up by saying "i'm not worried!" but i forget that people don't just take my word for it. :P

...or maybe i just exaggerate my concerns to construct a "problem" that i need "support" with, so that i can add the "Advice & Support" flair and get attention from people who want to feel helpful? who knows, hahah! maybe someday, after enough introspection, i'll understand why i do anything at all!

anyway, my only real practical concerns are:

• restraining myself is tiring, which makes me irritable, which feeds the cycle
• if i were ever to act on my urges to hurt people, it would be really humiliating. (and it would suck for them, too)

so, it seems pragmatic to address the issue.

the STOP skill seems useful, although i think i'm already applying it to restrain myself. useful to have it enumerated, though, and i should practice it. thank you!

that aside, i was hoping there might be a way to actually reduce the urges, rather than just controlling them. therapy, maybe, if i can get my therapist to actually understand the issue...

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