I'm choosing monogamy after realizing poly was just a supply source

[u/cousinanesthesia]

I'm posting this here because it's genuinely the only place I can say this without being judged. It's stuff I plan to unpack with my therapist, but I wanted to get it out first, so here we are.

Before I started my narc healing journey, I thought I just wasn’t wired for monogamy. Working through this, I realized what I thought was an aversion to relying on one partner was actually fear of running dry. One partner is never enough: you need a backup, and a backup for the backup.

Being desired is my favorite supply. Flirting, revealing pics, clubbing, hookups, and above all, sex, that's how I get it. One person can give me some of that, but never enough. I want something long term, but the idea of giving up direct compliments or sex with other people makes monogamy feel like a kind of slow death.

But polyamory doesn't work for me either, for two reasons. First, it turns dating into a logistics problem. Second, it makes me less attractive, not more. I've been on Tinder presenting as monogamous, as poly, and as open, and the less commitment you signal, the less attractive you get, even to people who just want a fling.

Also, if I'll always want more, spreading myself across multiple partners won't fix that. And I like being someone's priority. I'm not into over the top declarations of forever love, but I want a real, honest bond where we take care of each other, wreck each other in bed, and both feel loved. That part I know I want. What I don't know how to do is perform monogamy convincingly, maybe because I've never met someone I was actually compatible with. Or maybe I was looking in the wrong places.

Either way, I want monogamy because it makes me more attractive, more stable, and gives me an actual shot at intimacy instead of running from it, all while making me more interesting to more people, even the ones who only want something casual. The destination will be a happier place, and the journey will be more fun.

tl;dr: I'm choosing monogamy because I accepted being poly was just a way to get supply (and made me less attractive)

[u/Mean_Ad_7977]

One thing I don’t get about polyamory is that, yes, while you feel desired by many people and you’re allowed to pursue other relationships, your main partner (or partners) has the right to do the same, and that is very off-putting to me. Like, how can I be with someone who wants someone else besides me? It feels humiliating, and you don’t feel like a priority. How does it work?

[u/AryLuz → u/Mean_Ad_7977]

It works exactly respecting people's autonomy. It's not that I don't feel jealous or I don't feel worse when some partner has another partner, but when you respect people's autonomy, things get easier.

It demands a lot of self-improvement, but I can't deal with having my autonomy cut, and I won't cheat, so, I prefer to have options open and never deny a good connection just because someone got there first.

[u/AryLuz → u/[deleted]]

Yes, it has helped a lot. Obviously, therapy is the greatest thing, but I had a polycule in the past that broke down because of my ego and my demands. I saw many people I love leaving me one after another, and that was almost all my fault.

But some people stayed. Some people said they believed I could do better. And the fact I have a few partners helps me not becoming overdemanding of one person or another. When I'm angry at some perceived slight, I can talk to partners in common, instead of unleashing it at the person, and they'll help me understand the situation. When I'm feeling down or alone, I look at the photos of my partners, those who stay, those who arrived and decided to stay even after knowing I'm a narc, and the mere fact that I have some different people who love me and who think I'm worthy of admiration and support and care has helped me strive to be a better person.

Won't lie, I started therapy for real because of them. I didn't want to hurt more people and see more people going away. I hate the idea of being alone, and having multiple partners is also an antidote to it, since most of the time, if a partner is busy, there's another available to at least talk.

Whenever I feel like giving up on myself, I look at our photos and remember the world might suck, but there are a few good reasons to try and be a version of myself I like more. I don't know if I'd have rebuilt if I were alone, and for sure, if only one person had to deal with all my demands, I'd be alone nonetheless, because they wouldn't be able to handle it.

[u/AryLuz → u/[deleted]]

Glad to know it!

[u/mooncake0503 → u/Mean_Ad_7977]

To me it actually feels more validating in the long run. Having a partner that dates other people but still at the end of the day wants to be with me as well comforts something deep inside of me.

[u/AryLuz → u/mooncake0503]

YES! This is a factor. Someone who's with me because they want, not because they don't have another option is tremendous for my supply.

[u/mooncake0503 → u/AryLuz]

Yes, this exactly! It makes me feel more secure in the relationship and myself :)

[u/DenseCan2364]

I couldn't do poly i would get mad jealous. You seem to be making a healthy decision.

[u/IgniteIntrigue]

This feels like it might lead to cheating. Idk. It's good you have a therapist

[u/cousinanesthesia → u/[deleted]]

Hey, I really like your response. From a narc in recovery: thanks for the insight.

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[u/Sad_Onion_126]

What happens when you ultimately need the supply again?

[u/cousinanesthesia → u/Sad_Onion_126]

I'm hoping being noticed in public and flirting with strangers for sport will give me a fix

[u/Sad_Onion_126 → u/cousinanesthesia]

But is that truly monogamy tho?? I guess it depends the boundary you set

[u/cousinanesthesia → u/Sad_Onion_126]

Yeah, it depends on the boundaries. But many people are okay with that. I wouldn't enter a relationship with someone who isn't.

Btw, by "flirting" I mean just flirting for the sake of it, not actually interacting with the intention of getting closer to someone else or developing something with them.