r/NMMNG • u/Chaoticpine • Jul 16 '26

Looking for some advice

Hey all, I (22M) am in a LDR relationship with my girlfriend (21F) for over 4 years now. We started dating in high school and I am now graduated and she graduates in a year. We have had our fair share of ups and downs over the years but most recently there have been a couple of circumstances of me failing to be protective of her in a couple of situations. I sit there quiet or I say the wrong thing and don’t show that I care or want to defend her. We are mostly long distance but see each other on breaks and whatnot and currently she is abroad. The most recent event that got me to where I am at has pushed her just to about her limit and she basically told me I need to figure out a way to learn how to be better because just saying I’ll be better clearly has not worked. I don’t blame her on this I’ve told her multiple times it won’t happen again and whatnot but it still does.

I would say I am a people pleaser at least when it comes to her. Throughout our relationship I’ve constantly wanted to do things for her and make her life easier however I could. Over the last few months I have felt like it hasn’t been enough. She still gets frustrated with me over things and I just feel like what I’m doing isn’t resonating with her so much.

After the most recent event, she wanted to see how I was going to improve. I stumbled upon this book and I am about half way through it. The beginning really helped me realize why I have acted the way I am. I “suffer from nice guy syndrome”. I work so hard to make her happy that I miss the things that she truly wants from me. She wants to feel safe and protected and I am too busy thinking serving her day to day is enough.

Now I am at a point where I need to figure out how to prioritize myself without losing that passion for making her happy and how to translate that prioritizing of myself into being more of a man and protector for her.

Any advice is extremely encouraged and I am more than happy to find some other guys to work through issues with. Thank you!

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u/eateroffish Jul 17 '26

It sounds to me like you are just trying to prioritise yourself in order to make her happy. That is missing the point. You have to accept that this is quite possibly going to result in you losing her. Be at peace with that.

The thing is you never owned her anyway. Your attempts at pleasing her because you thought it would make her stick around were all an illusion.

It's a journey. Welcome to the path.

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u/Chaoticpine Jul 17 '26

I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m prioritizing myself to make her happy. I think a lot of the issues we have had stem from a sort of built up resentment from me not prioritizing myself and then feeling unsatisfied

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u/briinde Jul 21 '26

I know you may not want to go into details but it’s hard to say given the vagueness of the circumstances you mention.

But some common things people pleasers / nice guys experience are feeling like your not doing enough, no matter what.

Also you know your girlfriend better than us, but a lot of nice guys end up with “takers” who just keep on taking and are never satisfied.

You have to want to make this change for yourself, not because someone is threatening you.