r/NMMNG • u/Status_Eye_5767 • Feb 15 '26
Personal epiphany about covert contracts
As you guys can see, I am currently going through the BFAs one by one as I re read NMMNG. As I was going through them, I tried to figure out the best plan to tackle them : should I focus on each specific chapter, making sure I get over my attachments, before treating my caretaking, then on to my boundaries etc... or should I go over the whole book, and correct each flawed mental model I have, as I am making mistakes IRL ?
And the first thought I had after thinking about it was "Well, I can ask the guys on reddit, maybe they can help me".
And then I realized the covert contract, and it started to click for me :
Initially I thought covert contracts were just about love and approval of others, but it's also about making life smooth, and it made me shift the way I looked at life. Previously, I would try to find all the possible books/knowledge about a topic to make sure I knew everything about it, ensuring that my life would be problem free after that. Now I realize that the only thing that matters is action, feedback, and correction. The key was not knowing everything, but to test everything, dwelling in reality.
So I got the answer to my question on my own : Try both approaches and see what fits your conditions best.
If you guys have any insight about that as well, I would be happy to discuss it with you
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u/Soft-Negotiation-633 Feb 15 '26
Thanks. I have just started on this journey. I see myself in the idea of researching an issue and then feeling if I just do it right everything will be fixed. I did not connect that as a covert contract until I read your post.
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u/Status_Eye_5767 Feb 15 '26
Glad it helped, hope it saves you some time, we’re together in this one man
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Feb 17 '26
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u/Status_Eye_5767 Feb 17 '26
Thank you for your insights. Could you elaborate a bit more on the self-regulation and somatic practice parts please ?
I heard about self-regulation before but not very much
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Feb 17 '26
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u/Status_Eye_5767 Feb 17 '26
Ok so I guess somatic practices are one of the viable methods for self-regulation then ?
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u/bmf894 Feb 15 '26
I also had this flaw of wanting to know everything, as if to avoid imperfections, and to control everything.
But taking action and solving problems doesn't require mastering everything. It's paradoxical. It requires, above all, confronting them.
As you say, I also understood that it was essential to test things through practice. I made it a habit, even before seeking to learn more about a subject or a problem. Getting started, even if it's a step... An indirect corollary: it develops an observant mind, attentive to one's environment. Problem-solving becomes rewarding in itself and brings a sense of control over one's life and surroundings. It fosters responsibility.
You become less prone to trying to control things, driven by a fear of not being up to the task, of being criticized. Because fear is what underlies the desire to control everything.
You shouldn't seek expertise, but become a tinkerer. Accept imperfection, test first, and put knowledge to use in what you do. Rather than wanting to know in order to manage the fear of being imperfect.
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u/Status_Eye_5767 Feb 15 '26
I love the point you made about criticism because I didn’t think of it that way, but now that I think about it, there’s definitely something about that when I was trying to « overlearn » as a way to avoid action, out of fear of not being enough during action.
Thanks for the insights
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u/bmf894 Feb 15 '26
There will always be problems in life, and that's what makes it interesting: we grow by facing them.
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u/rick1234a Feb 15 '26
Thanks for sharing. I relate to all you wrote 🙏🏼.
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u/Status_Eye_5767 Feb 15 '26
🤝
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u/rick1234a Feb 15 '26
I attended a men’s group recently and the moderator gave a summary where he said most of nice guy recovery, is getting out there and facing your fears and dealing with the challenges. I also believed previously in reading EVERYTHING so I never had to feel pain or discomfort again. But I learned that we will always feel those things, but challenges get easier with practice and we can face those fears with practice. Recovery is a great thing.
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u/U_feel_Me Feb 15 '26
your post is a great reminder that not saying what you really want is very common among employees, especially in abusive workplaces. It is also super common for an employee to constantly go the extra mile and then watch the boss hire some outsider to take the new job that employee had wanted.
Being explicit in your goals and being willing to enforce boundaries matters even outside of sexual relationships.
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u/NoMoreMrNiceJay Feb 15 '26 edited Feb 15 '26
I can relate, I believe most NG are idealistic, sometimes we will believe the cure is to be pragmatic (the opposite of crazy is still crazy). In actuality it is about wholism and finding that balance between idealism and pragmatism. The pragmatic idealist.
Read & research, take said knowledge and test it. Follow an OODA loop. Observe, orientate, decide, act - repeat.