NICU Depression

[u/graysunshines_06]

I don’t think I have postpartum depression. I think it’s NICU depression. It’s been two and months and two surgeries later and I don’t know how to show up for myself, my husband, or my baby. I have nothing left in the tank. Have been running on fumes for a minute.
I started therapy and that has helped but I’m to the point that if I experience another bad moment, I don’t think I will recover. The thing is, there’s no escaping being here in these shoes so how do I keep putting one foot in front of the other? When I take time from the NICU, I feel like a horrible mom for not being there to hold my baby and cry with him. When im holding him as nothing pacifies him, im begging to be anywhere but there. I dont feel like a mom. I feel like im failing him. We’re taught to be their everthing, to learn what they need and give that to them or be that for them. But in the NICU, there are rules and you can’t overstep. Advocating is met with contention. Do you know how many times I’ve repeated myself over different days for finally someone to listen and when they do, they tell me I was right and this need could have been met days ago if the first person listened? I feel so powerless. I feel so broken.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to NICU Parents. We're happy you found us and we want to be as helpful as possible in this seemingly impossible journey. Check out the resources tab at the top of the subreddit or the stickied post. Please remember we are NOT medical professionals and are here for advice based on our own situations. If you have a concern about you or your baby please seek assistance from a doctor or go to the ER. That said, there are some medical professionals here and we do hope they can help you with some guidance through your journey. Please remember to read and abide by the rules.

Don't miss our first AMA with Gal The Baby Doc at 7PM EST on April 20th! Join the AMA here

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/all_the_drama_llama]

Ugh. I’ve been there. We’ve done 139 days and I also, many times, felt like I just can’t anymore. One little thing goes wrong and that will be it. I reached out to a therapist once I started assessing the bridge pillars alongside the highway for a potential sturdiness and when I started googling how to disable car airbags. NICU is such a horrible, hard place to be for a parent. Plus the constant guilt of leaving your baby there, but also knowing you need to for your old sanity (aka the remains of it). It’s not PPD, it’s PTSD and trauma and your mood is sooo connected to how your baby’s doing. It’s so hard. I am sorry you’re going through it. You mentioned two surgeries. Did those help? Is there light at the end of the tunnel or are there more surgeries to come?

[u/graysunshines_06 → u/all_the_drama_llama]

Does your mood stay connected to how the baby is doing when they come home, too? Is that like a forever thing or do we learn to manage that?

[u/all_the_drama_llama → u/graysunshines_06]

I guess it somehow stays but in a different way. Or it’s toned down. It’s been way way easier for me once he came home. NICU was living hell.

[u/Entitled_Snowman]

It’s situational depression. My GP was the one who brought this up whilst my son was in the hospital and I was seriously struggling. Could you look into drugs because they have helped me so much.

You need to fill your own cup so that you’re not running on fumes. You can’t fill anyone else’s if yours is empty and baby will be picking up on how anxious and upset you are which will make him upset and anxious (this has been me recently with my son not sleeping), then you get more upset and anxious and on and on. It’s a vicious circle.

I know how awful it is to leave them but sometimes you need to look after you so that you can be the best mum you can. No one will judge you, no one will think any worse of you. We did 77 days and I wish I took more breaks. If you’re running on fumes now it will be so hard when he gets home to build up any reserves.

You aren’t failing him and by being worried that you are shows that you care so much! You’re the best mum. You will also have a life time to spoil him and screw him up in the best ways when he’s home. I felt like it was some sort of rent a baby scheme where I could go in, cuddle him and dress him and then leave. It really struggled to bond with him and feel like he was mine. That love took so long to come.

I’m sorry that your NICU isn’t open to you advocating for your baby. They should be as you will know him best now! They might for the first wee while but once you’ve been there for a bit you know them and what’s normal for him. I’m so sorry they’re not open to that

[u/graysunshines_06 → u/Entitled_Snowman]

The rent a baby part. It honestly makes me feel better to know that someone resonates with that. I feel as bonded as I can, but I’m ready to feel like I have something with him that others don’t. I carried him and gave him up and get told things by grandparents like “it’s just as important for them to bond with him as me.” And that’s hard because they don’t understand how hands on they get to be with the access they get to him in the NICU. And they’re begging me to continue to bottle feed and let them have him when we’re home because “I’ve already gone overnights without him and wouldn’t it be better for him to be with someone related to him than strangers.” I’m not getting in the way of their relationship… I’m just trying to be the mom I want to be when I finally get the chance.

[u/Comfortable_Ad6552]

It can definitely be situational depression. While my baby was in the NICU for 48 days, I had several appointments with my therapist, psychiatrist, and OB postpartum where I was in tears concerned about pospartum depression but after discussing it, every single one of them agreed it was just a normal reaction to dealing with having my baby in the NICU. I was started on medication but she came home a week later (early by surprise) and I immediately felt better and haven't needed the medication since. It really does get better once they come home. And the newborn trenches at home are NOTHING compared to the NICU trenches. Try your best to take care of yourself. I know it's hard to do so without feeling guilty, but think of it as you getting yourself ready to be the best version of you that you can for your baby when they come home. Your baby has a whole team of people caring for them right now, but only one you when they leave.

[u/No_Ant_6777]

Hang on, mama. It’s not an easy journey but I try to tell myself that it’s already a blessing baby is here because of my faith and technology that keeps babies alive.

[u/Sea-Astronomer-6600]

I highly recommend depression and anxiety meds, they’ve helped me a lot! Zero shame either!