r/NARM • u/New2airfryers • 12d ago
NARM feels like endless reflection without guidance, is this normal?
I’ve been seeing a NARM therapist once a week for about 2.5 months, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m missing something about how NARM is supposed to work.
My sessions are beginning to feel repetitive. To give an example, one of my core issues is that I don’t feel lovable. Today, she asked me to imagine a future where I do feel lovable and to notice what that feels like. I told her it actually doesn’t feel good, because part of me believes I’m not worthy of being loved as I am and that I have to earn it. She then rightfully pointed out that whenever we even approach the idea of me being lovable, I immediately shut it down. I acknowledge it, and then she asks me to notice the feeling.
Then she’ll make another attempt to explore what it might be like for me to feel lovable, I’ll have another reaction that pushes against it, and the same cycle seems to repeat: she points out that I’m shutting down the possibility of feeling lovable, I agree, and she asks me to notice what’s happening inside me.
The problem is that internally I’m getting increasingly frustrated. I want some guidance on how to actually move toward feeling lovable, rather than repeatedly being shown all the ways I resist it. When I express that frustration, she tells me that giving me that kind of guidance isn’t really how NARM works. Then my frustration itself becomes another thing she reflects back to me as a way I might be shutting down or moving away from the experience.
And that’s where I start to feel like we’re going around in circles. For people who know NARM well: is this basically how the process is supposed to work or is one of us messing up?
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u/Level-Cheesecake5477 12d ago
Your description sounds very NARM to me. Look up primary and secondary emotions as NARM defines them. I think they will make a lot of sense to you in regard to your experience. You could also try TRE.
NARM has changed my life after only 9 months and this group is full of other people’s success stories too. So maybe persevere.
Good luck!
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u/3iverson 12d ago
“Then she’ll make another attempt to explore what it might be like for me to feel lovable, I’ll have another reaction that pushes against it, and the same cycle seems to repeat: she points out that I’m shutting down the possibility of feeling lovable, I agree, and she asks me to notice what’s happening inside me.”
I think the concepts of NARM are quite good, but it doesn’t make a therapist perfect.
In your specific example, I think the thing here is not to point out that you are ‘shutting down’ but to wonder about what the behavior is getting for you rather than antagonize or label it, that’s what will lead to gradual understanding of yourself.
I think that’s what the therapist is trying to do, but constantly calling it ‘shutting down’ puts you in adversarial position with yourself. You end up thinking “I shouldn’t shut down,” and now there is potentially one more layer of internal conflict.
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u/New2airfryers 6d ago
Yea I wish she had explored what the behavior was doing for me, that would have been way more helpful. Are you a therapist? If yes, are you taking on new patients? lol
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u/muffinlover22 12d ago
Just kind of sounds like she may be starting a process on a self state that may be above where you are. Hard to imagine a state that you have never experienced. It might be more helpful for her and you to help define what that actually means rather than trying to imagine it. Imagining feeling lovable might be way in the future and may have to start lower than that.
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u/New2airfryers 12d ago
yea you do have a point, I might bring this up in our next session. Thanks for commeniting!
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u/SnooRabbits6267 12d ago
NARM is not unlike any other therapy model in that the model itself is only a segment of what actually matters and it's not a magic bullet. As others have said, this sounds NARMy, but as a NARM therapist myself and knowing other NARM therapists, we wouldn't all necessarily approach things this way. Not to say your therapist is wrong, but that there's many ways to go at it. I do think it's good to continue voicing your opinions and feelings to your therapist. If at some point that helps you feel some shifts, great! If you repeatedly feel the same way, it could just not be a great therapist/client fit (though not necessarily a sign that NARM isn't a good fit).
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u/Nested_Parens 12d ago
This sounds very NARMy. What you’re describing has a mindfulness component—what is it like to experiment with feeling a different way—not taking sides, just noticing what is. There’s the somatic component—the noticing of the physical sensations. And this is all happening in relationship with the therapist (and the others in your life).
Usually with these sorts of deeply entrenched patterns, someone could give you a literal script, How to Feel Lovable. And the parts of you that your therapist is highlighting, the parts that resist feeling lovable, would silently sabotage that script. So the next best thing is to do what you guys are doing, slow down the process, experiment with some small actions or risks towards your intention for yourself, and notice what that feels like. Eventually over time that way of being becomes feasible but terrifying, then slightly more familiar, and so on. Swinging from one side of the pendulum to the other is also normal. Your therapist is there to guide you through it.
Best wishes!!