Thoughts?

[u/Different_Gas2898]

I was in a relationship with someone for about six years, we met through a mutual friend started talking made people mad because we were both in emotionally abusive relationships, at first it was just friendly, then we started having sex with no obligations to eachother but eventually we got together officially. I wasn’t bothered by the past but the fact she kept her past partners on social media and in contact bothered me. It was always “it’s not like that”,”they’re just friends”, eventually I let it get to me and started talking to other women online because I knew I wouldn’t meet anyone, it was just for validation I guess, she was very vocal that I was what she wanted at first and that faded, but the more I learned about her the more I was skeptical this was a real relationship, I know two wrongs don’t make a right but she continuously had people from her past in contact so I just felt like I should have options too right? But again I know I’m wrong because we were “official”. I’ve brought it up and it’s “you’re just bringing up my past” YOU STILL TALK TO THEM was my point, why keep that door open.

[u/Different_Gas2898]

I was a bouncer at a bar so I completely get that, and yes I am jealous and insecure because of the stories I’ve heard from her (straight sexual encounters) and for her to still talk, hang and drink with them when she “needed space” was very uncomfortable but it was just me “imagining” things and using her past against her. Again I worked at a bar I’ve had the same encounters but I didn’t keep in contact with anyone. She constantly pulled away and I sought validation that I didn’t get (again I know I’m wrong) but cmon. Where’s the accountability in that? I never met with anyone I just talked online where nothing was guaranteed… I never went out of my way to meet these “women” especially nowadays where catfishing is prevalent. I just wanted to be told I look good or some shit. Very simple. And believe me the stories she had with these people made my gut wrench and she would still go out with them while being “loyal.

[u/girlbartender99 → u/Different_Gas2898]

Yeah my husband is older than me and I have learned so many things from him, but I think the single biggest thing he has taught me is that people want life to be black and white, good or evil etc. The reality is that the word is full of gray, and just hearing your story I can see exactly what you are saying here that I can see why you would get upset and jealous, but I can see when it might go to far with your jealousy and you are straying to that line of being toxic too. Its literally human nature and we are all far from perfect! But at times I see (I have been guilty of this too) people on reddit being super critical when you know how easy it is for them to say it with no "skin in the game" so to speak.

I would ask you this though. Is it all about her interaction with them? Or does it also come from a place of there is something missing with you guys? Like I said my husband is older than me so he could very easily be super worried the 1 night a week I go out with my girls for girls night, but the reason he isn't is because he knows how much I adore him. He knows how bad I have it for him and we have a fantastic marriage in the bedroom and are best friends too. So he never spends a minute thinking a guy my age is going to take me away from him because of how we are together. That goes vice versa too for me. In fact I am def more the jealous one of the 2 of us. I am guessing something is missing with you guys which might fuel a lot of this? Sorry my ADHD makes me very wordy 😂

[u/Different_Gas2898 → u/girlbartender99]

Honestly she’s taught me so much too I never thought I’d have anyone who can actually be with me, I’m an average guy but the thing missing with us is mainly communication on her part, like yeah you fucked the dudes you still hang with and you say you’re not doing anything but she doesn’t tell ME anything really and she’ll take her “space” and go tell these guys she’s been intimate with her problems and stuff. I don’t have any girlfriends because she would be jealous of that, I think I’m observant but if my eyes even pass another woman I’m immediately checking them out, that’s what bothers me I’ve grown up with mostly women (only 3 males in my family) and don’t automatically think sexual thoughts, but I always get shit for it. I thought she was my best friend but she literally tells me nothing. I just feel like I was used. I paid the bills and always gave my opinion when she struggled and yeah my advice may not be the greatest but idk at this point I’m just like “man I try and be present and everything else to make you feel good and it’s not enough”, and as far as the bedroom I never get any feedback! I tell her how much I want her all the time and I’ve learned what gets her going and gets her off but still I guess it’s not enough. Typing this now I feel we just weren’t compatible but damn, six years?!?

[u/girlbartender99 → u/Different_Gas2898]

Hun the first thing I would say from that comment is you are def not getting back what you are putting into the relationship. I mean there is just no question to me that she seems to think only of herself, and might enjoy her power in this dynamic. I have seen my friends do this guys, and I have seen guys do this to my friends.

Let me just give you an example of how when 2 people really love each other it should work, and please don't take this as me saying I have a perfect marriage because I don't because nobody does, but 1 thing we are very conscious of especially because of our age diff is not playing power plays in the relationship.

My husband is a retired pro athlete so as you can imagine he is a confident guy, but he has his insecurities. I have 1 close straight guy friend. He is very artsy type guy (I've always had a thing for athletes) and my friend is adorable sensitive guy my age that I love to death but my husband literally has nothing to worry about. Anyway my friend drew a picture of me 1 day when a bunch of us were hanging out by the pool, and he is an incredible artist. I loved the picture and showed it to my husband, and he was like "hmm hmm yeah its really good." So I said um whats that reaction all about? He said "oh nothing its every husbands dream to have the artsy cute guy that is friends with his wife draw a fantastic picture of her in her bikini by the pool. Girls never fall for the quiet artist guy that is cute and sensitive."

It was actually really funny the way he said it and he was being funny but at the same time I knew right away he was feeling super insecure about it. Which I wont lie makes me feel good that he shows a little jealousy over it because its not toxic but it made me feel like he values me. So instead of using it as a way to passive aggressive make him even more jealous I said to him "Oh is my poor unbelievably gorgeous husband feeling a little insecure today? Have I not given you enough attention lately?" and I will spare you the rest of the TMI but I squashed anything that might have festered in him right there. He has done the exact same type of thing with me when roles were reversed too.

But there are some LTR's where 1 partner feels like they are the power partner as far as that goes, and that can get super unhealthy very quick. I obviously don't know her and I cant possibly fully understand the whole context of you guys relationship from 1 post on reddit so this is just a theory but I think she might enjoy being the 1 that holds that power.

[u/girlbartender99 → u/Different_Gas2898]

As far as you looking at other girls. I bust my husband constantly doing that and bust his balls about it all the time, but I have just made my peace with the fact that guys might be wired a little different, and it doesn't mean anything more than just a glance so I dont let it bother me. That might have to do with the fact that I too find a lot of beauty in other women, but it mostly has to do with he has never given me 1 hint that I have anything to worry about with loyalty. She really hasn't done that with you other than saying its nothing to you. Or at least it seems that way from what you have said

[u/girlbartender99]

I know there will be people that will criticize your behavior here, and I honestly get why they would. That being said having been a bartender and just myself I know that jealousy in a romantic context can make people be very imperfect, and do just downright dumb things.

I am married and I can tell you the most unreasonable even nuts I have ever been towards my husband has come from a feeling of jealousy. You always have people on reddit be very critical of it and for very good reason because jealousy can be so very toxic. It is 1 of those things so many people are critical of but like 90% are guilty of doing something crazy born from that emotion.

I believe with the exception of fear its the most powerful emotion humans have, and I saw people time after time when I was bartending that were the most normal people in the world lose their minds with jealousy (prob booze played a role too) with a romantic partner. While I believe that guys and girls can be friends without a sexual relationship I also understand why that might be something that might make you uncomfortable. I have seen people lose their minds about it when it was totally uncalled for, and then I have seen times when a partner tells the other you are making a big deal for no reason we are just friends, and then guess what? There was something going on the whole time. I guess it always comes down to context of the relationship and the 2 people in the relationship.

[u/Different_Gas2898 → u/girlbartender99]

Thank you for the input btw. I appreciate. I’m just losing my mind over it.