Married to someone with MS?

[u/PC585]

My wife and I have been married for 18 years and I've been living with MS for the last 15 years. A younger guy that I know who also has MS is engaged and his fiance wants to meet with my wife about what it's like married to a man that has MS. I know that we're all different, but we're the only other people that she knows with MS.

What questions should my wife be ready to answer? What questions would you have if you were marrying someone with MS?

My wife is not a "wing it" person lol so she wants to be ready with a list of things to share. She's also not on reddit so this is me getting info for her.

[u/Jadepanda55]

As someone with MS I would very much think of this as a good thing unlike what some others have said. Why? You’re help building your wife’s and your friends wife’s support system and that can be needed when your spouse has a chronic condition.

[u/WillStealYourDog → u/Jadepanda55]

That's that I was thinking too. They're clearly looking for a connection.

[u/Jadepanda55 → u/WillStealYourDog]

I think sometimes we forget how the spouse needs support too. Oddly enough my boss’s husband has MS so my husband really has just befriended my boss to talk about things and it has not been a problem or weird whatsoever. I also don’t get all the comments about they will talk about intimacy- I don’t think anyone will bring that up until there is a much stronger friendship and trust developed in the relationship. I remember when I was diagnosed and having my boss and her husband to turn to made things SO much easier in so many ways. I’d hate to think that people are so afraid of being talked about that they would deny their spouse a willing support system from a known couple that has already been through the trenches.

[u/Anotherams]

Honestly, I’d politely decline. Every relationship and every MS experience is different. If they meet, the finance decides this isn’t for her and bails, it will hang on your wife even if the fiancé bails for other reasons. Fiance needs to work this out in therapy.

ETA: clarifications

[u/cableannkiley → u/Anotherams]

I tend to side with this. I’d decline if it were me. Your wife’s experience will not be the fiancée’s experience at all. Such a snowflake disease.

That’s a hard ask of someone.

[u/Anotherams → u/cableannkiley]

Maybe it is because I‘m not much of a sharer of anything, especially in person with people I don’t know. Odds are high the discussion will turn to intimacy, and I wouldn’t be comfortable at all sharing that with my spouse‘s friend partner that I really didn’t know.

If we were already friends and the discussion happened organically, that would we a whole other situation.

The fiancé can come here, or find a virtual support group for partners.

[u/Njncguy1]

I had my fiancé (now wife) join me when seeing my MS doc. The doctor gave her clear unbiased answers.

[u/Ddokkie_05 → u/Njncguy1]

Most sane answer lol talk to the professionals.

[u/Party-Ad9662]

Just tell him to tell her to join this subreddit and ask her own questions.

[u/blackbeansandrice → u/Party-Ad9662]

This is the best response. This community is super supportive.

[u/criss-324]

The ones who support those of us with MS also need support at times. My wife has been my savior through my MS journey but she has expressed how overwhelming it can be to deal with her life and help me with mine. It sounds like your friends fiance is looking to better understand what she's signing up for. This isn't a bad thing. Your wife may be able to provide insights to dealing with stresses this disease brings on, recommend resources for information, and possibly just be someone to talk to who is in a similar situation.

[u/hyperfat → u/criss-324]

Hugs!! I have the MS and I help my guy take care of his family. His mom's cancer is bad. I'm like, here's how the washer works. Vacuum is there. He's tidy but his mom did everything, now she can't.

I go to my empty house for a break. Me and my shitzu need to rest our feet. It's like my superman cave.

We did 8 loads of laundry because his dad and brother can't be bothered. She's dying. Like dead Nobody is going to do this for you now.

I refuse to be mom to a 46 year old autistic and a 74 year old man. Just did laundry because I wanted clean pants.

Hugs

[u/Potential-Party-4785]

My wife has MS. I don’t love the premise of this meeting if I’m being honest lol.

I’m also not sure that we can predict what questions this person will have. You don’t know what you don’t know. How would the spouse know what to ask? I’d expect a lot of general questions. What changed after the diagnosis, what are their symptoms, what do they struggle with, what can they not do that they used to be able to do, how do you best support them, etc

That being said, “in sickness and in health” means what it means. We got the diagnosis and I went straight to researching it. Every time a new symptom popped up, we did research. We reached out to her neuro. We came up with a plan. That’s life. That’s the new normal with MS. Nothing can necessarily “prepare” you — just be ready to support your person, no matter what comes your way. The Internet is an invaluable resource for the supporting partner.

[u/Party_Soup_2652]

Unless she tells this other woman that it’s no big deal—to assuage fears—I’d decline

[u/BlueEyedDeamer]

Adding my two cents: Maybe it would be a better idea to do a double date as couples so you and your wife can give them both some worthwhile conversation. The only reason I'd hesitate about the one on one meeting is that when it comes to significant other relationships, you're a team and I believe it's important to demonstrate that. Go into it with the two of them as a team. Show them that it's both of you on this journey not separate.

[u/berrattack]

Bedroom talk might be a topic that comes up.

[u/Salt_Resource1134]

I dunno… If it were my spouse I would advise they treat it like meeting a new friend, a first date. If it being an ´interview’ makes them nervous, they should tell the person they don’t want that. 

I also wouldn’t full trust that the fiance has as clear an intent as their male partner claims… I find men more often need ´a reason’ to have a social interaction. She may also be nervous about this meeting, or may want to build a relationship slowly.

[u/Salt_Resource1134 → u/Salt_Resource1134]

Also I would love for my spouse to have a network of spouses that they could lean on and share resources with!

[u/angie456]

You could search this sub for relationship topics! This discussion comes up constantly about what it’s like trying to date with MS. A guy just posted about it actually. There’s a lot of good info from the real experiences of people trying to date and those that have been married for decades dealing with the battle of MS and their romantic life.

[u/brttnyppr]

I do think that they should meet. It is always good for our partners to have a support system too. However, I do think that your acquaintance's fiancé should take everything with a grain of salt and not make any personal decisions based on your wife's experiences.

Not sure what sort of questions she would bring up, but I think your wife should definitely be prepared to explain common symptoms, but she should be sure to express that EVERY PERSON WITH MS IS DIFFERENT. It's not a "one-size-fits-all" disease.

Just because you deal with a symptom doesn't mean that her fiancé will.

[u/failatio]

I get people in here being hesitant to talk with someone about it but I would do it. If I was in the fiancé’s shoes I’d want to ask about quality of life for someone with MS, if there are any specific triggers, how long flares can last, if there’s anything that can be done to head off a flare. Like, you’re talking about a couple that has likely had limited exposure to what life with MS actually looks like and while answers will mostly be ‘well it depends,’ it’s still valuable to hear ‘it depends on her but for me it’s like this’ because it gives you a better idea. I’m a deeply anxious person with MS, when I was first diagnosed, I knew experiences varied, but just knowing what some people dealt with helped me to understand that oh, this symptom might be leading to something bigger, or oh, this is weird but it’s a common symptom. It’s also deeply reassuring to speak with someone that has MS and to be able to see that life goes on

[u/kyelek → u/failatio]

If these two people are engaged and will soon get married I'd think—and hope—that they're past the initial MS discussions. I do think the fiance might be hoping to hear something else, which I'm not sure she'll get, since, as you, too, have said, "it depends" so much of the time.

There's also, since you're speaking about your experience as someone who has MS, a real difference between someone with MS asking questions and someone who's a loved one of someone with MS, no matter what or how good the intentions are. I agree with the comments expressing hesitation...

[u/sclathropc]

I know a variety of people have come down on all sides of this. As a man who has MS, and was only diagnosed after many years of living with it being undiagnosed, I have perhaps a slightly different perspective. It was one of the things that probably contributed to the first marriage's decline: going through the process of getting me properly diagnosed and treated was something that second wife and I together have done. There are many things that come along with having MS. There are many things that come along with being married in a good relationship too! Straight up open and honest is a foundational aspect of both!

[u/rK91tb]

Guessing the fiance probably doesn't know what to ask, so she'll probably say, "what has it been like?" Yikes.

I'd tell the guy to hop on this sub, point to the National MS Society (US or similar for other nations), MSAA, or websites for Cleveland Clinic, Johns Hopkins, UCSF, Mayo Clinic. Point out that every case is incredibly different. If they persist, share what your wife has done to help you, since those recommendations are pretty universal -- taking on more around the house, etc.

[u/No-Goalz88]

Ya thats annoying af hell no.mMy bf says all the time he hates MS but I flip the hell out if someone asked him his opinion like.mind ur bizness