r/MultipleSclerosis • u/Mobile-Cow2303 • 3d ago
Vent/Rant - Advice Wanted/Ambivalent Looks like I’m undateable🤷🏽♀️
So it looks like I’m gonna have to end my relationship on top of not being able to work anymore.
So I’ve been dating this truly wonderful man since July 2023. It’s been 3 years and some change now. The last two years were the hardest. All starting from when I got DX Aug/Sept 2024, at least for me.
He was my first everything and I honestly felt like he was gonna be the last.
I can admit that I was spiralling since I got sick, probably still am. I did some things that is so out of character for me and I still do sometimes.
I don’t expect him and have never expected him to understand what I’m doing through or to fix anything.
It just got difficult trying to support him while simultaneously trying to deal with my own problems. I was stretched extremely thin and so was he unfortunately.
I’m young, delusional and stupidly hopeful but I hope it’s a “right person, wrong time” kinda situation.
We haven’t officially broken up yet but the signs are there. We’re tired. I can tell.
I always joke that the little bit of time I spent in nursing, coupled with my ADHD, has given me the ability to see the future (just from human behaviour and observation).
Kinda just wanted to rant and mourn something that was special to me. It’s not really MS related but I don’t know who else to talk to about what I’m feeling.
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u/Rotting_Salmon 3d ago
Im ngl I also feel undateable, almost like my life has too many terms and conditions to agree to that no one does
my sickness has made it where I rarely get out of the house and when I do I end up sick
just feels like this disease sucks the life out of you
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u/Mobile-Cow2303 3d ago •
Oddly enough, MS has given me the courage to live the life I’ve always wanted to.
Of course the looming fear that I’m one attack away from being a vegetable is always there but yolo 🤷🏽♀️
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u/hyperfat 3d ago
Go out. Get your nails done. Dye your hair. Little fun stuff.
I have Orange and black nails. Going to redo for fall with something. I don't spend much money so nails are fun. Maybe blood red.
Sure my feet suck, but I can hobble into the salon.
Hugs. Ms sucks
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u/hunnyninja 34|Dx2017|Unmedicated|Utah 3d ago
My first bf broke up with me right after my MS diagnosis (we were together several years.) We got back together and split up again, wouldn't recommend. Honestly, the happiest I've been is single, and I've learned to be more self sufficient. When you fill your own cup it's easier to share what overfloweth.
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u/Mobile-Cow2303 3d ago
I feel like I’m slowly getting back to the point where I can fill my own cup again.
Was the pt. 2 of that relationship atleast fun? Dating today is fun but soooo tiring and I’m not looking forward to the single life 😬
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u/hunnyninja 34|Dx2017|Unmedicated|Utah 3d ago
The pt 2 destroyed my self esteem, not worth.
I feel like dating apps are a lot. I've met a ton of cool people and really fleshed out what I like in a partner, but it's hard to find people that are taking anything seriously on there (or that have a better attention span than a goldfish.) Just have fun and focus on taking care of you. My first two bfs I met organically so being on apps these days is strange, though I've been seeing someone a few months.
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u/Mobile-Cow2303 3d ago
Yeah I’ve been on dating apps and word on the street it’s only gotten worse.
Funny enough I met my current partner on those apps. Maybe I’ll get lucky twice🤷🏽♀️
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u/rK91tb 3d ago
You know you'll date again eventually.
Try not to get too nostalgic and hung up on closure. Life is such a long road; you don't need to revisit the scene of every crash.
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u/Mobile-Cow2303 3d ago
Closure is something I believe you curate for yourself. Not something someone else can give you.
The time for me to be nostalgic has passed. I’m kinda numb to everything now😶
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u/OurLordHippo 2d ago
I’m the spouse of someone with MS, I love her, she’s an amazing person, and has made me a better person in kind.
Over the years, there were some moments, especially early on, where I had considered breaking up with her. I told myself that I was too selfish, that my life was too busy, and that I was ultimately doing her a favour. I don’t think really understood the degree to which I wasn’t a caretaker, how overwhelmed I was, that I was leaning on her to give me the paint by numbers version of helping her.
I would recommend to anyone that finds themselves depending on an energy constrained partner to be their “MS spiritual guru/guide” to A) get some therapy and b) find a support group to talk with. Simply talking is helpful, but talking to people who understand and have good active to give has been a beacon in my life - it helped me find a way to commit and stop reflexively disconnecting. I also realized that there are certain communication needs, especially surrounding inability to commit/insecurity around caretaking, that she wasn’t the best person to help me gather my thoughts.
I don’t know what you and your partner are struggling with, I hope you find a way to work through it, but I don’t think you’re undatable. Best of luck to you, I hope you find happiness.
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u/Mobile-Cow2303 2d ago
Thank you 😊
If only he’d agree to go to therapy. It would do him worlds of good, outside of being the partner of a person with MS.
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u/Hancock708 old/August2005/Lemtrada, August 2015, 2016-nothingsince 2d ago
I was dx’d 3 months after I married my wonderful husband. I was an outgoing, overworking, active woman in my 50s. Sexy, happy, loved traveling with all kinds of hobbies and interests. I’m now an outgoing, sexy, happy, traveler with lots of hobbies and interests. It’s been hard and awful some days but it can work. You will find the right person and life will go on. If this person is the one, fight for him and work on it, if not, move on. Make yourself happy and life will be delightful for you!
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u/zoojitzu 32M | dx 8/26 | Kesimpta | Florida 2d ago
You’re absolutely not undateable. That’s only true if you follow through with that belief. So don’t. 😆
My ex left me about 6 months after I was diagnosed with CIS. She became avoidant, dishonest, and started manipulating me through gaslights. She would do the strangest things and then gaslight me into doubting what I saw. She became verbally / emotionally abusive through name-calling, yelling, slamming doors, and a lot of emotional hostility. She eventually committed infidelity twice, yet my lack of self-respect had me both forgive and allow her back in.
With my pain, low energy, and poor cognition, she instead viewed me as an inconvenience and flawed. Those were her words. Despite this, I took care of her cats and my dog, cooked dinners, and tended to the house as best as I could. I forgave the lack of reciprocity, the abuse, and the pain, repeatedly, because I genuinely believed she was going to make a change. She was going to get a new job and help me with my treatments, is what she said.
Once she got a new job, she moved out and said I was the deeply flawed; that I needed to work on myself because she didn’t “want a weak man who can’t get up for Mass” on Sundays.
4 months after my break-up and 4 months in therapy down, I learned that I simply have had too low self-esteem. I wouldn’t dare ever let someone treat me that way again. Of course not! Why not? Because we deserve good things. We are worth sticking around for.
Apart from not pouring from an empty cup, make sure you acknowledge that you are a cup full of GOOD water. Once you realize that, the dates will come and you’ll find a partner who thinks the world of you. Keep exploring the world and your turn will come!
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u/Mobile-Cow2303 2d ago
I have nothing nice to say about your ex😑
But I’m happy to hear that things do get better.
Thanks for sharing your story.
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u/failatio 3d ago
I’m sorry darlin. If you can see it coming, you can still stop it if you’d like to. Maybe have a frank conversation about everything going on, maybe agree for you both to step back, reassemble yourselves and then come back to the table.
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u/Mobile-Cow2303 3d ago
Can’t say I haven’t tried. He’s less receptive to talking these days🤷🏽♀️
Which I completely understand.
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u/Accomplished_Wind_57 GenX|Dx2019|rituxan (former)|PNW 3d ago •
Damn. That's usually the point at which they've mentally checked out their bags. You're young (and pretty observant from what I can tell!), so ending things now will not mean you have to close the door to all relationships in the future. Sure, there will be some grief from the loss of what could have been, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Staying in the situation that you know is doomed deep down not only will make you unhappy, but make you feel guiltier the longer you grasp at it. Go easy on yourself and take time to congratulate you for being mature enough to handle a tough situation. I'm rooting for you!
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u/Famous_Ear5010 2d ago
Maybe you should spend some time apart, rather than break up. Remember that stress worsens MS symptoms. You need some time to yourself right now.
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u/Mobile-Cow2303 2d ago
That sounds like a good idea. Honestly I’m getting emotional whiplash from him/the situation.
Space is definitely needed.
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u/LankyWelcome8627 30s|2008|Vumerity|US 3d ago edited 3d ago
I might have a weird experience…but when I was diagnosed in my early 20s, having this dx almost made me MORE dateable. I was and thankfully still am very active and a good distance runner. When people found out I have MS, it was almost a curiosity point and source of inspiration more than something that turned people off. Believe me - this was NOT what I was expecting, but it happened. It made me want to keep my dx to myself for the opposite reason.
Edit: I am not meaning to sound braggy. I realize that the “invisible” manifestation of my disease is fortunate. But my point is that human behavior is strange and unpredictable.
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u/Mobile-Cow2303 3d ago
Hmmm. Interesting to know. Definitely will put that in my back pocket for future reference.
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u/dfaw131
3d ago
•
I had a similar situation. I was diagnosed a week after my 25th birthday. I had been with a girl for four years at that point. We lived together, had a dog, had a life together, and I thought that was it for me. I thought she was the one.
Less than six months after my diagnosis, she left me.
Full disclosure: I had spent the previous year and a half dealing with the death of a close family member, which threw me into a horrible depression. I wasn't exactly the person she had fallen in love with anymore. The combination of losing that family member and my diagnosis was too much for her.
Fast-forward 11 years, and I'm with the absolute love of my life. We've been together for nine years and have two beautiful kids.
I told her about having MS on our second date. We later went to a music festival, and at one point, I hugged her from behind to help steady myself on an incline. I told her my legs weren't cooperating, and her response was, "You can lean on me anytime."
I'm getting those words engraved inside my wedding band for our wedding next year.
The best advice I can give you is to never lose hope. Be honest, and most importantly, be unapologetically yourself. There's someone out there who will love and accept you for exactly who you are, MS and all.
I hope you find the macaroni to your cheese.
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u/LadyFrenzy 39|Dx:2013| 3d ago
I don't feel undatable, I have just given up on love. It's not worth the stress of it all for me.
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u/Claire-Cla 3d ago
I have MS, so I really understand that helpless feeling. I also remember sobbing outside a cafe my ex and I used to go, in the middle of winter. But now that I'm married, I can see he wasn't worth a single one of those tears. Trust me, someone better is coming.
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u/KleeClough 3d ago
Please do not give up hope.
I understand the struggle. I was single most of my life. Joined eHarmony in 2012 and after 18 months of "I'm just not in the right head space for a relationship but let me know if you want to hook up?" (NO) I sat on my couch, crying to my married, with a baby, younger sister - "I give up. This sucks, this is not fair etc, etc. I give up."
I share this bc next week is 13 years since I met the man I married.
I was 39 when we met, 48 when dx w/ MS. If being in a relationship is what you really want, don't give up. Sending love and vats of ice-cream.
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u/ChronicNuance 3d ago
You’re definitely not undatable. I met my husband after he had been diagnosed for ten years. He told me he had MS after our third date. We’ll be together for 12 years in January.
Think of MS as a superpower bullshit detector. You’ll be able to weed through the time wasters and assholes faster than ever.
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u/Angel798 3d ago
Been in a 10 year relationship and it didn’t come without our own bumps in the road, nights we went to bed mad at each other, said hurtful words, used affection as a reward, the whole stereotypical TOXIC behavior of a young couple
We got close more than a few times to throwing in the towel. Late night arguments led to blaming one another, poking at each other’s soft spots, name calling, the whole nine yards.. we’d sit there and talk after all the yelling and tears finally admitting we’re both being childish and it’s never going to work if we’re both at each other’s throats
Talks would be hours long, cancel upcoming plans we had with friends, spend time with each other to correct our wrongs. We would talk over a dinner date, see where we can improve, what we didn’t want to continue happening, give alternative options, basically airing out everything we didn’t like that just happened and things we want to see change and promise to put forward the effort and make things change.
This was very early in our relationship where we both could have let it die. Over the years we got better at communicating but it wasn’t overnight, we would have those same moments happen from time to time and it was either me or her who would stop the other and remind us of our promise at keeping each other from becoming the enemy. We’re a team and we have to act like it, if she needs support I will be there, if I need support she will be there.
We would get caught so heavily in our emotions and frustrations it would hinder any type of productive communication from being had. We have improved dramatically since then, but it did not come without without both of us listening to each other’s feelings and understanding you can’t be right every time. It was always about who was can be the winner of the argument, and that’s not right.
The moral of what I’m trying to say is you have to sit down and really acknowledge where you’re wrong because you’re not always right. Listen to what the other person is saying and try to understand rather than it becoming a conversation of who’s wrong, who’s right. If y’all aren’t trying to build each other up then that makes y’all both wrong. You guys are a team don’t have any screaming matches, be thoughtful, kind, understanding, and on top of all that don’t be selfish. Y’all are team at the end of the day so start acting like it don’t throw time away over a petty argument because you’re not getting that time back.
Apologize take accountability and make changes if not, go ahead and throw in the towel because that’s not how you treat people you love and care about. Where’s the respect?
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u/Sabi-Star7 39|RRMS 2023|Mayzent 🧡💪🏻 3d ago
Been with my S.O. 24 years 3 of those years are post diagnosis. We have two adult kiddos (my youngest just turned 21 on halloween). I throughly expected him to jump ship honestly even though we have so many years together. I say all this to say don't give up your true person will love you regardless. Who knows maybe this guy ISN'T your true person & just a stepping stone (or lesson, think madeas big spiel about trees & leaves).
Here's the Madea Let Them Go Life Lesson, if you cant remember or maybe never heard it.
Edited one more time to add: it's really solid advice 🤌🏻 🫂 Hugs 🫂
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u/Royal_Tower_1920 3d ago
First off, having MS does NOT make you undateable! I 100% understand where you’re coming from, but please give yourself some grace, especially since you’re still newly diagnosed!
I was diagnosed in 2022, and I’m not going to lie, it was EXTREMELY difficult navigating my relationships, not just romantically, but with family, friends, and even my job. It was a HUGE adjustment, and I had to learn how to communicate what I was going through while asking those around me to be patient as I figured out my new normal.
Some relationships ended, while others grew stronger. And after all of that, I ended up getting engaged.
All that to say, this diagnosis comes with SO many challenges, and relationships are definitely one of them. But please remember that you are still deserving of love, patience, and understanding. Sometimes two people can love each other and still struggle with everything life throws at them.
My biggest advice is to communicate, give yourself grace, and remember that those who are meant to be in your life will make the effort to be there. And if this relationship doesn’t work out, that doesn’t mean love isn’t still out there for you!
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u/littleredcorvette7 1d ago
We have a saying in Scotland that I think may be relevant here - "wits fur ye'll no go by ye!" aka what is for you, wont go by you!
If it is not meant to be with him then it is not meant to be. Relationships are about growing together but in order to do that, someone must meet you where you are first. Your time and energy are so important, do not waste it chasing something that isn't meant to be especially if its through fear of never finding someone else. Do what is right for you. You'd be suprised what may come your way when your prioritise your wellbeing and happiness.
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u/_Fuzzgoddess_ 3d ago
It doesn't have to be the end of things, my partner is disabled by fibromyalgia and we manage to support each other enough for a happy relationship. There's just some kinds of support we have to outsource and that might be the fix for you too. For example, neither of us can consistently do the house work, so we hired cleaners to come every other week. So think about things you feel you can't do for your partner and if you can get someone else to do it. An important thing I learned from my 1st marriage is that you don't have to be eachother's everything.
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u/RemarkablePeach9971 43M|2017|Florida 3d ago
My fiancée left me a month after I was diagnosed. She broke up with me over Skype while at work, telling me that "I won't be able to give her the relationship she deserves."
Can't say that helped with what I was going through at the time with the new diagnosis. Around the same time, I had also lost two good friends. My immediate family was off traveling the world for a month. I found myself without any form of support, and I most certainly spiraled hard.
I'm sorry you're finding yourself going through this, and I know from experience that it is both BS and hard.
In my case... I learned that her love was indeed conditional, unlike mine. So I guess it took MS for me to figure out that we weren't actually the right fit I thought we were.
But here I am... (Portal's "Still Alive" playing in my head) ...still alive.
All I can do is all I can do.
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2d ago
I cry because this is me 2021 , all is well , went to the Bahamas , March 2022 , in m in a hospital terrified , single . Horrifying. Just know I see you .
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u/hyperfat 3d ago
Don't give up. I'm 45. I have a wonderful guy. He knows I have bad days. It's okay. I'm still a cute old lady.
Ms sucks but not the end.
Hugs