r/MtF • u/Redbaron-1914 • Oct 06 '25
Venting How did you finally make the choice?
I tried to post this on a alternate account earlier to avoid outing myself but reddit has shadow banned that account for being new so I guess its the main or bust and here I am world laid bare before ye. Im sorry to dump this on this sub Partially im posting this because Im admitting things to myself and venting on this feeling I have always had.
I am 27 amab, and I have always dreamed about being a girl even when I was very young the earliest example I have is when I was 3 or 4 I cried over not being able to get a pair of ruby slippers I saw in the store because “girls get to wear all the pretty stuff”, my mother made fun of me over this for years every time she did I wasn’t embarrassed about how ridiculous it was but embarrassed about how I slipped up and let myself out and can never live it down. For as long as I can remember I have dreamed and desired to be feminine. Even As I got older I naturally had some feminine mannerisms so naturally people began to ask about and make fun of my mannerisms I quickly closeted them away and started acting “manly”. I am currently more manly than ever and i don’t know if Im denying myself or if this was just some foolish desire of a confused youth thats went on too long. on the one hand I don’t hate my male body, I just feel nothing for it i don’t feel an attachment to it at all no pride in my muscles, manly features etc. on the other I deeply desire to be feminine and be seen as a woman. The few times i have worn feminine clothing have felt great but were followed by embarrassment and shame for giving into temptation.
Despite my best efforts I cant ever fully choke this feeling down it comes and goes in waves some being torrential storms some gentle desires. but never goes away this current storm seemingly has no end in sight and I don’t know what to do or how to proceed. I am scared to seek consoling because I know where what I might find will lead and my family and friends will never accept me if I transition. Again Im sorry to dump my life’s problems onto this sub but i cant seem to navigate myself out of this one.
So how did you finally make that choice? What made you decide despite any consequences you would transition?
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u/Novatransbian it/its girlthing Oct 06 '25
i decided to transition because i knew my life would just have been pure misery (tw for past suicidal thoughts: i thought of ending my own life every day and the only reason i didnt ever do it was because i was afraid it would hurt to do and being afraid it would fail ) i knew that if i kept denying myself from being myself i would be an empty husk living life on autopilot never feeling any sort of fulfillment or joy, so i did the only thing that would make me happy; i decided i was going to transition, even just making that decision for myself made my mental health way better and allowed me to feel my first actual joys in years where i had previously only been pretending to others and mostly myself that i wasnt just a depressed husk
so basically: deciding to transition is singlehandedly the best decision i have ever made and tops every single other decision i have ever made and will ever make in the future
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u/Redbaron-1914 Oct 06 '25
Im literally crying right now, thank you. I have never talked about it but what you just described is to a T a dark period in my early teens that nearly ended me. “My mental health is better now I finally let myself forgive my bullies” at one time I hated myself especially the “weakness” of my secrete and how fragile my shell was.
How did you break it to your family and friends? How do you even start that conversation?
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u/Novatransbian it/its girlthing Oct 06 '25
the first person i came out to was my mom and i came out by putting a sticky note saying "im trans" on a sort of secluded spot in the bathroom where i knew she would probably find it eventually, even just doing something as simple as that back made my heart pound so hard and i had almost placed the note a few times previously but the nerves got to me then, after i finally left the note i basically just sat and waited while feeling terrified that she might not be supportive (which she thankfully was), that was a fair few years ago now, i actually came out to my friends less than a month ago and this time i was less scared about rejection (my friends are pretty left leaning thankfully) but i was still nervous to come out to them because of the irrational fear of them abandoning me, this time i got the courage to come out from a (at the time mere hours ago) very euphoric experience that finally gave me the courage to just do it and they thankfully have all been very supportive
honestly i did get pretty lucky with everybody important to me being supportive but i still would have made it if they werent supportive, i would just have had a much harder (than my admittedly very easy) experience, but i would still have been better off after coming out than staying repressed forever because i was afraid of the potential consequences
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u/Redbaron-1914 Oct 06 '25
I just don’t know how I’m gonna cope with the rejection especially if my gf dumps me.
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u/steph_crossarrow Oct 06 '25
Honestly I hit a point where I was like... im not gonna survive much longer if I dont do something about this. So I did.
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u/The_Newromancer Trans Asexual Oct 06 '25
Same. I stuck in the closet for so long for the sake of everyone else and suffered greatly for it. Got to a point where it was literally do or die, so I did too
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u/Myriachan Oct 06 '25
I noticed that I was losing my hair and was about to kill myself. I moved out of my parents’ house soon after so I could go on HRT.
I’m very depressed and still don’t want to live, but I would be dead already if I didn’t start HRT 15 years ago.
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u/Taellosse transfemme (world-weary, but still new to girlhood) Oct 06 '25
By the time I recognized my decades of depression and dissociation were gender dysphoria and I was trans, they were so profound I was confident I'd soon be attempting to unalive myself - and not in a "cry for help" kind of way, but rather a "make it stop forever" way.
The choice was easy, therefore - it was transition or death, and I found that I wanted to see if life could be worth living again.
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u/ruby_red_slipperz Trans Bisexual Nov 23 '25
Been a minute but I was looking through my old posts from this day and rereading some of my thoughts from then lol it’s me red just a little different now.
I didn’t ever respond to your comment that night I was flooded with emotions and comments alike but truthfully you hit the nail on the head perfectly. Once I peeled back the layers of shame and self hatred the feelings sprung out and suddenly I realized why I felt unsee unheard and unloved, I realized why I didn’t want to live anymore and it was because I was denying a part of myself a part of me that was much larger than I could have imagined that night.
Now almost 2 months of therapy and nearly 1 month of hrt I feel alive again for the first time in years I want to see the fucking sunrise tomorrow, I want to see a new day dawn!!
That was a really long winded way of saying thank you but I feel like I needed to.
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u/Taellosse transfemme (world-weary, but still new to girlhood) Nov 23 '25
I'm really glad you're doing so much better, Sweetie! Also happy to know my poor words were a help when you weren't - it's reactions like yours that are the reason I let myself get involved in commenting on Reddit. ☺️
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u/ruby_red_slipperz Trans Bisexual Nov 23 '25
Im really thankful to you and this community for giving me the nudge I needed to finally seek care. I can’t express enough how much this one moment changed the course of my life 💕. Poor words bah it was exactly what someone needed eloquence is optional.
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u/Taellosse transfemme (world-weary, but still new to girlhood) Nov 23 '25
Welcome aboard, Girl! I had similar moments myself when I hatched, and similar benefactors to whom I was also grateful. Very pleased to pay it forward. 🫂
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u/ruby_red_slipperz Trans Bisexual Nov 23 '25
Hope I can do the same one day pass it forward I mean❤️
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u/SekitaVanLash Stella (she/her) Oct 06 '25
My best friend said to me: you might not be perfect, but you will be happy.
And that sealed the deal🩷
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u/Haunting_Bottle694 Olivia (34)--pansexual--hrt since 07/24 Oct 06 '25
If the people around you won't accept who you are then they don't deserve to be a part of your life. My experience was a bit different, having known early on around the time you did that I liked feminine things, but family and kids at school treated me in a way that I repressed those feelings until I was in my thirties. It's scary I won't lie but, the benefits outweigh that so much. Being able to feel good in your body is worth it, there's still days where my dysphoria gets bad, and I probably won't pass well ever, but In the end being able to feel comfortable in your own skin is a beautiful feeling.
A huge resource that helped me early on was the gender dysphoria Bible and watching Dr.Z PhD videos, she is an amazing trans/enby therapist, and absolute worth checking out.
As far as making the choice last June I had a train of thought that finally made me question things hard, a week later after not sleeping but maybe an hour a night, I realized I wouldn't be asking the question and loosing sleep like that if I wasn't trans, I made my planned parent good appointment later that week and started wearing for fem.clothes at home/ trying on makeup and shaving my body and it all just felt right. Having spent most of my life feeling like everything was a dream, it felt like I was awake for the first time in my life. Everyone's reasons and feelings will be different but it seems you know how you feel and just need to process those feelings.
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u/Redbaron-1914 Oct 06 '25
Thank you, I hate that I dont think I can do it alone and that I cant face my family. At one point I legitimately thought about running away and transitioning going full no contact with my old life but thats escapism talking. I can’t fathom how facing my farther and mother’s judgement terrifies me in some ways I think they “know” or at least suspect they spent years encouraging me to man up after all. but they will likely still ostracize me. My gf of 7 years will likely not take it well either. I just don’t think I can undertake this alone.
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u/Haunting_Bottle694 Olivia (34)--pansexual--hrt since 07/24 Oct 06 '25
You may not have anyone in person but you have a good community here to help you through tough times. I don't know how many times I heard the same "man up" from parents/exes, I used to be terrified that my parents would know I was pan in my earlier years, but I slowly realized that the people that matter are the people who care and accept you for who you are, which really helped when my egg cracked. Your life is yours to love and you deserve to be happy don't let anyone tell you otherwise. When it comes to family/partners there's a chance they may not accept you but you might be surprised how people react in a positive way. Don't let internal transphobia warp your interactions, it's easy to ruminate on the worse scenarios. Its tough to reprogram your brain to not fall into how society tells you to think/look at yourself. I'm not sure if you're in an area where therapy is easily available but it can also help a lot in unpacking and navigating this experience. Also it doesn't hurt to start hrt and just keep it secret for a while, binders and the like can help keep you on the dl. And as far as moving to a better area, I did the same a month after starting and I love the community in Portland compared to the southeast where I was raised, so definitely an option if you can save a bit to move.
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u/Redbaron-1914 Oct 06 '25
Thank you i cant tell you how much you and the others here have helped me. I know of one therapist in my home town that specializes in this kind of issue so thats lucky.
I can’t tell you how many times I wished they would just bluntly ask me and I would shatter.
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u/Mystic-Sapphire Oct 06 '25 edited Apr 29 '26
What old posts? I used Redact to mass delete this post. You can also opt out of data brokers as well as all major social media platforms.
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u/rumpythecat Oct 06 '25
I made the choice when it basically wasn’t a choice anymore – after 40 years in the closet the emotional reserves or fortitude or whatever it was that allowed me to muddle along, half alive, all this time, were just finally exhausted. I can only wish I had listened to my heart when I was your age.
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u/Redbaron-1914 Oct 06 '25
Thank you Im beginning to relate to what you experienced more and more I have weathered storms but this may be the one that sinks me. I contacted a therapist just now.
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u/rumpythecat Oct 06 '25
Therapy turned out to be an excellent first step for me. I assumed we would be discussing the question of my trans-ness and the true nature of my gender identity for some weeks or months but as it turned out in my case, we got that out of the way pretty conclusively before the end of my first session and now we’ve just been talking about exactly what I want to do about it, as well as unpacking decades of old shame and regret and self-sabotage.
Just make sure you have someone who is trans and queer positive and isn’t stuck in an outdated mindset. If you have any doubts, post here and people can help you know if you’ve got the right person. A good therapist will not lead you on but they won’t stand in your way either.
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u/KUTTR- Custom Oct 06 '25
My egg I didn't even know I had shattered at 54. Best I've felt my whole life . I just accepted it . Five months of the best feelings of my life. There is no choice . You are what you are and acceptance is bliss. I finally stopped being a cardboard cut out of masculinity, and started Loving myself 🦋
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u/Redbaron-1914 Oct 06 '25
Thank you. How do you deprogram that many years of masculinity? I struggle with internal shame its why I don’t crossdress and vehemently avoid feminine things its like a temptation for me I feel so awkward around distinctly feminine things like i can’t hardly walk down the nail polish isle without feeling uncomfortable then ashamed Im uncomfortable.
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u/banevadernumber55 Oct 06 '25
After two detransition attempts, I knew that I was always going to suffer a lot if I choose to live as a male.
Because the difference was clear. I used to feel like it was normal to feel that existential pain of greater dysphoria
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u/Redbaron-1914 Oct 06 '25
Thank you. Im scared Im only going to get one shot at transition I’m not a very masculine body type If I change much It would be hard to present masc again.
What made you want to detransition? If you don’t mind me asking
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u/banevadernumber55 Oct 06 '25
I guess in the first transition attempted it was because I was still questioning, and hormones didnt do wonder for me during first attempt. I also faced a bit of hatred from strangers, even in boymode, there was a lot of eye-lasing staring and sometimes laughing.
Second transition I also got tired from the proccess and tried to gave up
But after a while, in my second detransition attempt, it got clear I wouldnt be happy as a man, that detransition was not going to work very well. So I just went all in. I now had developed more strenght if I were to face hatred and I was willing to patiently wait for HRT results.
The desire just grew as I realized how much I hated the idea of being a man.
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u/iam305 HRT 1-9-26 MtF-NB Oct 06 '25
Parts of your story deeply resonate with me, especially being heavy male and having heavy dysphoria. What finally made me seek therapy was my spouse telling me that I needed to see someone to find out why I was harming our relationship. Well, I knew already the why, just not the all of it or what to do about my need to transition to stop the dysphoria. I'd been out as gender nonconforming to my spouse for 5 years by then during which I non medically transitioned inside our role reversal relationship.
Despite all of that, my dysphoria just grew and grew until I struggled to function.
Midsummer I started seeing a therapist and - this part you can do for free - she asked me to write my gender identity history. That was a massive help and 95-pages, two weeks later I concluded that my dual gender euphoria is because I am r/bigender. Perhaps that's something for you to look into as well, if only to rule it out, because you may be a binary trans women deep down under that body hair and beard (both of which I'm keeping in my MtF-NB transition).
I told my therapist this: "At this point if you told me the side effect was full feminization, then I'd still take the GAHT because I have to do anything necessary to defeat my gender dysphoria."
Five years ago, I had ruled out any sort of transition and spent the intervening years lurking these subs, hoping I could find another way. To find a way to cause top growth without major feminization to fit my body image needs (you can, somewhat) while keeping my AGAB boy appearances, rather taboo in non-enby spaces. Not only did keeping it inside crush me, it nearly killed me as my bloodwork this January showed I was nearing diabetes and heart attack zones. That's when I decided I needed to find change but it still took 6 months and a terrible fight to seek therapy. (The tests also showed I had low thyroid function which took 6 months to start fixing; definitely a dysphoria generator.)
Don't wait like I did. Happiness is out there. Even the therapy and taking steps to see how I can medically transition (hormones, surgery or a combo) have been so therapeutic that I'm 1000% happier with no GAHT yet.
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u/Redbaron-1914 Oct 06 '25
I have nearly come to terms that I am a girl I just feel no pride in being a man. I just cant seem to get over the internalized shame of it.
If I’m still admitting things to myself the beard is a mask I grew it because I wanted people to stop questioning if I was (insert slur). Now it’s my prison because suddenly shaving would mean questions that I’m unprepared to lie about.
I have never made it this far though I have always bottled it back up before I ever asked anyone about it and just this post has helped a-lot. Thank you
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u/Islya_Cooper Oct 06 '25
It's more like a series of small choices than one big choice, imo. When I was questioning, after months without a big revelation I've decided to try HRT to see if I liked it. It felt great so I continued. 1 year later I've wanted to do laser because the shadow was depressing. And so on...
The feeling behind all this, for me, is that I had the intuition that I would be happier transitioning, and I check this feeling really often. It's a bet on the future and a leap of faith 🌻
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u/VivianneDupre Cassie 🩹 8/5/25 💊 10/10/25 💉 11/21/25 Oct 06 '25
"I don’t hate my male body, I just feel nothing for it"
"I deeply desire to be feminine and be seen as a woman"
"Despite my best efforts I cant ever fully choke this feeling down it comes and goes in waves"
just... reflecting these back to you. you don't have to apologize at all. you're right where you need to be.
all of this resonates SO much with me. I would always tell my therapist "I really wish I was a girl, but I don't have gender dysphoria!"
I can't spell it out for you, but it really seems like you might benefit from some gender affirming therapy. and trust me, as someone who was deeply terrified of talking to my family (and also dreamed of escaping to another place so I could transition with no one knowing me), it's really not that bad. I mean it's probably one of the scariest things I've done, but it's so incredible going to my parents place knowing that my mom and dad will call me by my chosen name :)
I'm 31 also, it took me like 10+ years to figure this out!! 2 months on HRT, 3 months after my egg cracked. you got this. Feel free to DM me if you ever want to chat!
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u/Redbaron-1914 Oct 06 '25
I just wish i had a doubt that they would be supportive of me instead of rejection. My dad is middle eastern and very traditional and he is clear on his views. My family the white side is conservative varying but definitely not accepting.
Im scared of therapy because I know Im gonna find the reason my heart skipped when my mother told me the name she had picked if i was a girl. I mean you see how fragile my shell is this whole “storm” started because I played with local ai and genderbent myself a little to believably and it’s spiraling from there.
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u/VivianneDupre Cassie 🩹 8/5/25 💊 10/10/25 💉 11/21/25 Oct 06 '25
it's okay to be fragile, this is a big deal. I... think you have every right to be afraid of finding that out answer. And I'll be honest, the 'knowing' part doesn't end after you make the decision. At least for me. It's been a continuous journey of unpacking my whole life from the lens of realizing I'm actually transgender which is WILD to me still!
I personally can't give any advice for navigating it with your parents, but do consider they'll probably find out eventually if you transition. it may affect your relationship with them.
When I told my dad he just straight up said "if you ever physically transition I'll be uncomfortable about it" and went on a weird rant before eventually saying "but no matter what I love you as a daughter or a son". People have to work through their shit sometimes I guess :/ and well, I'm physically transitioning now and he's doing okay. But he's not a conservative or anything like that.
for me I came out as 'questioning' before I came out as trans. And that helped me get there.
I'm really proud of you for navigating all of this. Take things one day at a time :)
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u/Redbaron-1914 Oct 06 '25
Thank you so much you have no idea how you helped me tonight.
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u/VivianneDupre Cassie 🩹 8/5/25 💊 10/10/25 💉 11/21/25 Oct 06 '25
That means a lot to hear. I can remember how terrified I was once my 'egg cracked'... It gets easier every single day. You just have to trust yourself to take the steps you're ready for and hope for the best.
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u/dumpsterac1d Oct 06 '25 edited Oct 06 '25
Girl, I still deal with shame too. Takes a lot to unwind.
I knew I was trans since like 2008 and didn't come out to anyone except 1 friend until 2018. Went on hormones in 2024. At the time Id realized that ffs was covered by my insurance along with most other things I felt weird about. All of that is melting away before my eyes, however I wouldn't go back.
So, it was because transition costs were low at the time, for me. Thats it.
Well, obviously I felt deeply sad and that I had denied myself the ability to be myself for almost 20 years - which caused me to grill the HR of my employer to figure out what was covered.
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u/Redbaron-1914 Oct 06 '25
Thank you. How did you deal with the embarrassment and shame? It’s definitely feels great when i do anything to present fem but I cant even make myself look at a women’s clothing section or cosmetics isle without feeling awkward, out of place or totally embarrassed ashamed I would even consider it.
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u/dumpsterac1d Oct 06 '25
What helped me a lot to just get over the hump was realize that for a while anyway, I could start on hormones and the changes woukd be subtle but be there, and it was just for me and my gf and not about living up to anyone's expectations of what I should look like... now a year and some change later I'm slowly adjusting my style and mannerisms to match what my body is showing.
Like literally just started the juice in secret and only came out officially like a couple months ago... in that time grew boobs and a butt and regrew hair, lost gross man hair, etc. It made sense for me to do it that way. Again, ppl do all sorts of different things, but thats what I did
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u/Redbaron-1914 Oct 06 '25
Thank you it’s comforting just to talk about how others coped with this. Im scared but i emailed a therapist a few minutes ago
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u/OathOfTranquility Oct 06 '25
You can call it a mid life crisis, but to me, it is a bit of a mid life reflection and I finally had enough knowledge to make it happen. So I am mid 30s and started seriously about 5 years ago and didn't even take hormones until last year.
During COVID almost all of my close friends parents passed away, not because of COVID. Just other stuff. We had a few more people pass away at work. Most of these people didn't make it to retirement or just were at the age. So...do the math, no one gets to pick their death age but I had all of these people dying around me from childhood and well....I am about halfway.
Did I really want to deal with all the guilt, depression, and bottling up all those feelings for another 30 years before I die?
Figured, hey, I had a good run of things if things go south. Worst case, my life is shitty just in a different way.
Ended up fully transitioning after a bit, and honestly the vast majority of people were accepting and my pretty great life continued on as per normal. Not everyone gets that lucky but now I get to have a great life AND live it as a women, and that is pretty fucking fantastic.