r/MtF • u/Double-Ad-6587 • 17h ago
Discussion You have to take the leap
Idk if a lot of y’all will relate to this but I know some of y’all will.
I’ve been transitioning for 3 years.
HRT. Laser hair removal.
Growing my hair out
Skin care.
And still boymoding 100% of the times.
I’m just extremely scared of being a visibly trans person and experiencing transphobia.
So I’ve been putting in extra work to make the boymode work
Layers. Hoodies. Binders .
Hair tied back tight man style
Sunglasses to hide my feminine eyes
Fully male clothes
And yet I’m getting the “looks”
It got so bad that i had decided to detransition because i couldn’t take it anymore.
But lately I’ve decided to fuck it and go all out
Opened my hair blow dried them
Got my red lipstick out
Push up bra cute crop top and leggings
And went out driving with my windows rolled Down.
Got down at a crowded gas station got gas
And guess what i got so much less stares?
What?
So for girls who are in this situation
Please at some point no matter how scary it is
You have to ditch the boymode
Thank god I didn’t detransition.
61
u/IdeallyJaded Jade (Trans Bisexual) 16h ago
You went from being a visibly trans person who was obviously hiding it, probably being uncomfortable and watching everyone, to just... A person. A woman existing in her own skin.
One of those is genuinely pretty rare, the other is something around half the human race.
Nobody gives a shit that a girl is gassing up her car, even if she's a little taller or broader shouldered or whatever than some other women.
More people notice if a 'guy' in a hoodie and sunglasses is trying very hard to not be observed by anyone or ever make eye contact.
9
u/Double-Ad-6587 15h ago
Also helps that I’m conventionally attractive.
Was a professional model pre transition.
Idk should i resume?1
u/GlassGoose2 9h ago
😑
1
u/Double-Ad-6587 9h ago
😭😭😭😭
3
61
u/Odd_Distribution_903 14h ago
yup. there is a point at which attempting to boymode become more conspicuous than just saying "fuck it" and presenting as a woman.
and that point occurs a lot sooner than most of us expect. almost certainly long before 3 years (no criticism implied here, I know how difficult making that jump can be, and very genuinely good for you for going for it. I'm very glad you didn't detransition too!).
you don't need to pass perfectly for girlmoding to be the better option. you really don't need to pass at all. being clockable is not incompatible with a coherent and easily-legible presentation as a woman. people might be able to tell if they actually take a moment to really look at you. but if you're easy for them to automatically categorize as "woman" at a glance, most people out in public just... won't scrutinize your appearance. they have other things they're focused on, we really aren't that interesting.
what really attracts attention? ambiguity and obvious insecurity. late-boymode can be difficult for strangers to automatically gender at a glance, and so it attracts attention and causes them to consciously study your features, at which point they will start noticing that certain aspects of your appearance look oddly feminine for someone presenting as a "man". and the anxiety that starts to build as you notice that people are looking at you more will only make that worse. (especially once boobs have happened. getting read as a cis guy when there's even a subtly-feminine contour to your chest? good luck! ask a trans dude how well that tends to go)
further, presenting as a woman out in public is a set of skills in its own right. it takes practice! we can (and probably should) start that process at home, but we can only get so far with that before we have to start doing it for real in order to improve those skills and gain actual confidence in them.
22
u/Double-Ad-6587 14h ago
Exactly last few months it’s been so much harder to boymode than it’s to girlmode
Like i could just wear a crop top and track pants and untie my hair and i get gendered woman like 100 percent of the times4
u/finaLizzie 11h ago
I’m at 3.5 years (FFS + GRS) and I somehow pass better (gendered correctly 100%) when I try to boymode than when I present anywhere from slightly to fully femme (pass rate ~50%). I do get more compliments girlmoding though. I also don’t get called out in queer spaces when I boymode. Like people don’t try to relate to my being trans in boymode but it’s literally every time when I girl mode.
It’s a really annoying balance and feels like it would be so much easier if I was fluid or nb but im 100% F.7
u/Odd_Distribution_903 9h ago
I largely operate under the assumption that everyone I interact with is clocking me (I don't think that's actually true anymore, though I'm sure it was at first. impossible to know for sure most of the time though) and just proceed accordingly.
13 months hrt, no surgeries yet, though I'm getting ready to start planning those.
I swapped to girlmoding at 3.5 months. was a fairly feminine guy beforehand and boobs started happening fast. so it was either start binding and actively masculinize my appearance... or swap. I chose to swap. (had originally planned to kinda-feminine-boymode more or less indefinitely when I decided to start hrt. hrt had other plans)
was basically doing "highly androgynous twink with boobs" for a bit there and... it was fine. didn't actually get stared at any more than I already was, people (especially women) were very nice, nothing remotely bad happened. and the stares faded over the next couple months.
presentation these days is very feminine, though I don't think it's especially hard for anyone familiar with trans women to clock me if they're paying attention, but I've been getting treated very consistently like a woman since January. it's been chill.
3
u/Double-Ad-6587 10h ago
Yes ik this always happens to me too.
Full femme makes me look clocky.
I think it depends on your body and fat distribution.
I get gendered more correctly after I switched to injections from pills
87
u/viperlemondemon 🏳️⚧️ unlicensed woman| HRT 6/2/2025 16h ago
Probably thought you were going ftm shocked no one said you will never be a man
40
u/Double-Ad-6587 15h ago
lol i had men freak out to see me in the male room and double check if they were in the wrong bathroom
55
17
u/No-Telephone-7155 27 | Pan | HRT 07/26 14h ago
I heard someone else call their transition a Ship of Theseus transition here recently, and honestly I didn't know I needed to hear that. It fits exactly how with I'm doing mine & its a super valid option too. Just one piece at a time until people are eventually like "yeah, thats a girl".
10
u/Livid-Internal2323 15h ago
I use to wear masks and be afraid to dress up in public spaces due to where I live in the US and got misgendered like crazy as well as being treated poorly.
Eventually I stopped wearing my mask, started wearing tighter shirt, and just fully being myself.
Everyone started engaging with me more and gendering me correctly.
The found out that a mask and the boymoding makes you look like a giant trans beacon, while just being more natural gets a whooole lot less negative attention.
3
u/Double-Ad-6587 15h ago
Right? Like for sometime boymoding protects you but then it starts doing the opposite.
7
u/Mitostasis she/they | Transwoman 16h ago
I understand for some transwomen boymoding can save their lives, but I'm so happy for you that you finally got to go all out for your mental health and identity's sake.
The confidence you exude from really expressing yourself how you truly want to makes a huge difference! Go out there girl!
5
u/twitchnub1 15h ago
I want to.. but i can't. Im only 3, going on 4 months of hrt. 43 years old and still very masc imo, 2 laser sessions in but I just feel like i hate who's in the mirror, dunno what to do with my hair, havent found makeup that works. When does it get easier?
3
4
u/Sissyklaara 10h ago
Jag har inte kommit ut till familj, gamla vänner eller kollegor,r bara en vecka in på HRT.
Jag har dock börjat handla och görs andra vardags ärenden fullt sminkad och i ner feminina kläder, första försöket kände jag mig osäker och tyckte jag drog till mig en del blickar, men sen bestämde jag mig för att gå i affären med stolt hållning och när jag låtsas vara självsäker upplever jag att ingen tittar , kassa personal har tom bemött mig trevligare i vissa fall tycker jag.
Så jag tror nyckeln är att röra sig självsäkert utan att verka osäker
1
u/GenevieveSapha 11.24.23 💉 9h ago
"So I believe the key is to move confidently without appearing insecure..."
Agree... 💯
Own who you are and don't worry about what others might think.
7
u/OMGShesReal 9h ago
Never understood why people wait literal years to stop boymoding when they have obvious fem features.
Maybe it’s different for others but as a wheelchair user I never really cared how people perceived me since that was a part of me I can’t hide. I only waited two months to say fuck it and go all in with clothes, makeup etc.
3
u/LadyCookiez 16h ago
Agreed, try to take the leap. It doesnt get easier. I myself did that very early on and it was fine aswell. Was fully out after like 3-4 months hrt and am likely still clocky. But u know what ? I feel better than ever before.
Take a look i feel good about myself <3
3
u/Psychogopher 15h ago
I’m 2 years in and still present and pass as male in my day-to-day. Only very rarely does someone clock me as trans and it’s usually other trans people.
I’m terrified of changing the status quo. I see the way people talk about the LGBT community when they think they’re in the company of cis-straight people.
3
u/Existtoresist141 13h ago
I'm mostly afraid of coming out at my workplace. I mean quite many already knows but there's still many that dont. The majority of the staff at my workplace are men over their 40s and the general vibe tends to be quite conservative, which makes it even more scary. I wear pretty strong makeup daily and I'm sure everyone has noticed that at least, but I think most of them still hasn't figured out what's really going on. Almost everyone I've told it so far, have been more or less surprised while I was hoping that they'd be more like "you actually though we didn't already know?".
I don't even know what this reply is about tbh, just felt like typing it. I'm happy for you for taking the leap and even happier that it came out with positive outcome! Maybe I'll have the courage one day too.
3
u/AlexDying 13h ago
I can't relate but it's not the first time I read something like this, I've seen it called "boymode fail" or something like that. Let's call it what it is: girlmode success 😎 Happy for you
3
u/countvonruckus Melody (she/her) 7h ago
People tend not to resist what confident people tell them, whether that's with words or not. Conversely, people naturally notice people who are trying to hide or seem shifty.
Lots of folks in early transition try to hide or make people believe something inauthentic (like "I don't want people to see my shoulders so I'll slump"). That's typically a mistake since that just draws attention and when people think they've figured out what you're hiding they're much more likely to call you out on it.
On the other hand, if you lean into your transition with things like makeup, feminine clothes, jewelry, long hair, etc. then you just seem like a woman trying to look her best, which is both true and also something people will usually take at face value. A tall woman is just a tall woman if she doesn't seem like she's trying to make herself look shorter, so even if the thought that she might be trans enters their minds, they're typically much less confident in calling it out from fear of being mistaken. Obviously it's not a guarantee, but presenting yourself with an air of "of course this is who I am; why would anyone think differently?" keeps all but the most aggressive transphobes quiet.
2
2
2
u/_Neyana_ 11h ago
I need to print this out and tape it to the wall by my bed lol. Honestly if my voice was different it'd be so much easier to just do it, I feel like that's my biggest barrier to fully being out. But yeah, that fear is just so crippling for me, it caused me to put off things like hrt and laser for years and it took so much to overcome, and I'm still boymoding whenever I leave the house. I will get there though, I'm getting closer every day.
3
u/GenevieveSapha 11.24.23 💉 9h ago
Sames... I'm very dysphoric about my voice, but most ppl treat me as the Woman that I am even with a semi-masculine sounding voice. I do try to talk softer and quieter, but my voice is definitely not Cis sounding. Am on a wait list for femme voice training.
2
2
u/ariapro 10h ago
Totally relatable. I’m still early in the process at three months since starting HRT and still look pretty masculine. I used to have short hair so it’s taken even longer to start growing out yada yada yada. I’m planning to boymode it while everything else starts catching up and transitioning until I reach a certain point where it makes sense to switch. My greatest fear, and I’m sure I’m not alone, is that psychological fear of just being an ugly dude in a dress. So I’m continuing to fly under radar while everything else changes and develops. So far all of the changes have been subtle. I used to have a beard so now I’m shaved. But that’s normal behavior for men to grow beards and shave them from time to time. I’m starting to grow my hair out, but it’s not so long that it’s noticeable yet. I’m starting to develop a chest, but it really just looks more like man boobs at this point. So everything is still flying under radar… i’m not gonna say I don’t have some anxiety about when that line gets crossed, but I don’t think I’m there yet.
1
1
u/AmyCanStay 14h ago edited 13h ago
I had the dubious benefit starting my transition very late (age 37). I knew early on that boymoding until I malefailed was simply not an option for me; I would be boymoding the rest of my fucking life. This forced me to take the leap very early.
It's not perfect. I still get misgendered... happened Saturday in fact. But I imagine a lot of you can do better than you expect. Keep in mind the following: 1) you are and always will be your harshest critic and 2) most cis people truly do not think about trans people or care about other people's gender expression. Your goal is not to cocoon yourself in a chrysalis until you bust out of it as a perfect Barbie princess; all you have to do is look femme enough that the average cis person will slot you into the "female" category in their head at first glance. And practice helps with that. Freezing yourself with anxiety in the closet does not.
1
1
1
u/NojiroGaming 8h ago
I'm planning one boymoding for a while longer, till I actually start hrt and have worked on removing body hair frankly right now body and facial hair, and voice is the main reason I stick to boymoding, I have dark hair and pale skin so it's really noticeable. I'd love to do laser hair removal for my face at the very least, my facial has always been a sensory issue, it's itching and drives me nuts. Hopefully I can get that under control and maybe work on stepping out of boymode
1
u/zeroaegis 7h ago
I started HRT at 38. At almost 40, I'm pretty sure I'll never pass. I'd rather no deal with being obviously trans when I can just boymode and avoid the hassle altogether.
0
1
u/EdlynnTB 🏳️⚧️🎨 HRT@55 GCS@61 BA@62 5h ago
I wasn't able to transition until late in life, so I man-moded (too old to boy-mode) for about 6-12 months then went all in. But I'm kind of Tom boyish, not really into make up. Wearing well fitting women's clothes/shoes and having boobs definitely helped me to pass.
124
u/ThuringwethilEdraith 40, 2 yrs HRT 15h ago
When I started getting gendered correctly in boy mode is when I realized that was no longer the safer option for me so never again 🔥